Starting to get a bit concerned/scared help?

[Bowsy26]

I could use some help sorting this out.  Today while cleaning out a drawer in an end table (projects while stuck at home due to covid), I found a small notebook.  Opening it up, I found pdh had written a whole bunch of stuff in it.  For once, I went ahead and read his stuff (being sneaky he would say, though he did this to our kids and me over the years - no privacy), 

Anyway, some was just the usual npd ramblings but 2 got my attention.  These stories are written as a remembrance, not something being made up.  One was a story of having saved the lives of 2 people.  The first example was a brother and the story was true as he has told it to me over the years though no one else in his family has ever mentioned it.  The other was about a friend he saved who later became a fire fighter who earned a citation and then drove all the way back to our home state from wherever just to thank H.  This seems entirely fictitious but totally NPD since he is the hero rescuing the people so he is then the author of their successes in life. 

The second story was about me and I wish it was okay to type word for word things here as it was so disturbing.  However, he mentions he and a woman falling in love and about not wanting to be married to me or have had any kids.  The falling in love and not wanting his family were not part of the same narration, though.  It was as if one had nothing to do with the other.  The way it is written was very disturbing as it was about dream states, sleep states and waking dream states.  There is a whole section about there being as many lies as truths so what difference does it make if you choose one over the other. 

I have an entry under "Divorced or Separating" titled "Leaving and Decompensation" where I describe a couple of dangerous interactions with him and perhaps I'm being a bit over reactive about this notebook I've found.  It makes me concerned about his mental state.  He sees a psychiatrist for meds (this Psych does not know about his Cluster B diagnosis as H never gives anyone the name of the psychiatrist who diagnosed him so any new doctor never see his old records).  Family annihilator is what popped into my head as I read the story involving me.  Our kids have estranged themselves from us years ago so that just leaves me. 

Would it be a good idea to photocopy this notebook and send it to his psychiatrist?  She can't talk to me I know but they do warn you if they believe you are in danger.  The psychiatrist who originally diagnosed him did that once.  Or am I getting myself worked up over nothing and my imagination is in overdrive? 

[GettingOOTF]

Photograph the pages and make a plan to leave.

Under no circumstances would I contact his psychiatrist or let on that you found and read the book. He probably put it there for you to find so he can escalate.

From what you have written on both posts it seems like your life is in danger.

Call a domestic violence line and ask them for help.

These situations never get better. Either you leave or the abuse gets worse.

I'm sorry to hear about your kids. It sounds like they did what they needed to. I hope you do too.

[Bowsy26]

Thanks for your reply GOOTF:  As I'm reading more and more about this condition, I'm becoming more concerned about myself, too.  RE the shelters, due to the coronavirus, no "group" living situation is allowed in our area so shelters, along with other needed services like halfway houses, etc., are not able to take in people.  However, the shelter is now aware of my situation and my desire to leave, etc.  There are other things they are doing but I don't want to specify JIC npdh is reading this site. 

My friend who lives in one of the senior complexes I have applied to texted me that she learned there are 3 people who are planning to put their notice in over the next month and I am #4 on the application list.  If anyone turns down an open apt or if another person puts in their notice, I could be moving soon, July or Aug 1.  July moving would be great as the 2nd week of July npdh is supposed to be out of town for 3 days.  That would be my moving time; however, due to covid, I'm not sure if the activity he is going out of town for will still be held.  I'm working on getting all the "ducks in a row" things done that I can do with him around all the time.  This site has such good info about what to do.  H went to have lunch with a friend, but since he has no real friends I suspect he may be meeting his current "love".  Perhaps having someone lined up to take my place when I leave will keep him calm. 

[GettingOOTF]

That's very positive about the complex. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

My ex had someone lined up to take my place. It was the best thing that could have happened as he was too distracted with impressing her to fight me too hard. By the time he realized what was happening it was too late.

Stay safe and keep us updated when you can. Many here have been in your situation and there is a lot of support here and always someone to listen.