Total lack of concern for others

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Adrianna

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Total lack of concern for others
« on: May 09, 2020, 09:49:18 AM »
So update my ubpd/unpd grandmother is in a nursing home. I have not seen her since November when she told me I donít give a damn about her, I put her there to die, then when I started to leave she told me to go to hell. Fun visit! She was diagnosed with dementia with behavior issues and apparently thatís why her emotional abuse turned into verbal as well. She tested positive for the virus but is asymptomatic. Totally fine. Sheís 98.

Her son ,my father, who no doubt is unpd , has a lot in common with his mother but without the BPD drama. He enjoys bossing people around and since I said no thanks to that game, and my son moved to another town so is not easily manipulated, heís had the paid housekeeper for that role. He does not treat her kindly, is a bully and thinks heís entitled to special treatment.

The overwhelming desire for these people to watch people do things for them never ceases to amaze me. We are but servants to them, like watching a dog do tricks. We serve no other purpose. With my grandmother she only seemed to value me when I was performing a service, and if she would fabricate things for me to do just to watch me jump. Sheís say jump and Iíd say how high. It was truly sick and I became very bitter about it, because I did want to help, but resented being manipulated once I found out what was happening.

My fathers housekeeper is in quarantine. Her husband has it. She was there Monday doing his chores, which included wheeling the trash bin to the end of the driveway. He calls Tuesday and says he needs me to get his prescriptions and I need to wheel the trash bin back up the driveway because he doesnít want to look at it on the sidewalk. At first I agreed . In reality itís likely his Houekeeper is also infected from her husband so that means the trash bin could be contaminated too. I was going to wear gloves which he said just throw them in the bin after youíre done wheeling it up the driveway. I said that totally negates the purpose if Iím going to open the bin with bare hands to throw the gloves away. Yet I was still going to do it and would bring sanitizer. He seemed pleased.

Then when he said he found another housekeeper for Friday I said great have her do it. By then hopefully the virus would have been somewhat inactive or at least less active on the surface and she wonít have to possibly expose herself.  He was speechless. He said todayís Tuesday thatís not until Friday. I said right itís three days, suck it up and deal with it. The trash bin isnít hurting anyone sitting there. He literally had no concern for my well-being at all and just wanted to boss me around because thatís what they live for. A caring normal father would say hey heads up donít even come over for a few days my housekeeper could have brought the virus over, stay away. Not this guy!  No concern for me at all.

I said since sheís getting your groceries Iím sure she can get your prescriptions too and why not sign up for home delivery of your pills? He wasnít very interested in that, saying when the housekeeper came back she would always gets his pills. Of course, they live for attention. Whereís the fun in having them delivered through the mail when you can watch a girl take your cash, run to the store, pick up your pills then hand deliver them to you with the receipt which he no doubt checks for accuracy along with the change she gives him. Again they take pleasure in watching others perform for them. My grandmother was exactly the same way and would have me run to the store for prescriptions or Tylenol which she claimed to need then ends up she didn't, just had me do it for the joy of watching me be inconvenienced and serving her. Truly sick.

I had to call my son to warn him not to go to my fathers since he would likely try to get him recruited. Like clockwork he called my son. Said he needs him to go over to talk to him about something. Another one of his tricks. You go over and itís absolutely something unimportant which he could have asked on the phone. Again looking for narc supply. My son is staying away. My father is lacking his narcissistic fuel aka attention with his regular housekeeper out so looking for other fuel sources. He has no concern for my son either. Itís been a hard pill to swallow that my ďfatherĒ truly does not care about anyone including me and my son. Who says a man has to care about his family? Society? For years I was frustrated because I kept thinking surely he must care, heís my father. That fog has lifted now. My father is unable to truly care about another human being and heís proven that to me over and over. The lack of concern he showed for my mother when she was alive was truly astonishing.

The old me would have still gone over and possibly exposed myself to the virus please him. The new me says F off, I matter and if you wonít have concern for my well-being then I will. Iím surprised that I at first agreed to go over right away but old habits die hard. If he hadnít found another housekeeper, I could have said Iíd go over later in the week, not that day, to reduce my chances of being exposed, however there I was agreeing to go over 24 hours after the housekeeper left to please him. Itís like a reflex to comply with demands no matter how absurd because thatís how we were raised. I guess Iíve still got work to do on it.

« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 09:55:00 AM by Adrianna »
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2020, 10:55:06 AM »
The new me says F off, I matter and if you wonít have concern for my well-being then I will. Iím surprised that I at first agreed to go over right away but old habits die hard. If he hadnít found another housekeeper, I could have said Iíd go over later in the week, not that day, to reduce my chances of being exposed, however there I was agreeing to go over 24 hours after the housekeeper left to please him. Itís like a reflex to comply with demands no matter how absurd because thatís how we were raised. I guess Iíve still got work to do on it.

I'm impressed with the new you! A place of strength is the best place to be. I still work off old habits, the good girl habits. It's becoming less and less as I get older though and I like it!

All these revelations about our parents and grandparents aren't fun, are they? But at least we finally have clarity. They really are only interested in themselves and what we can do for them.

Every time I read about your grandmother still causing havoc at such an old age, it scares me. I fear my mother will still be around at age 98, causing chaos and drama. (please Noooo!) 
 :spooked:

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guitarman

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2020, 11:01:30 AM »
Your post reminds me when my uBPD/NPD sister wasnít well a few years ago. Sheís frequently physically unwell. This time she said she couldnít get out of bed as she was too weak and couldnít breathe well. She didnít have any food in and was too ill to go out and get any. I asked if she could get it delivered. No she couldnít do that. I offered to go and visit her by train and buy her some food. I felt so guilty as I didnít want her to starve to death. So I went and visited her.

When I arrived at the station near her I rang her to find out what she wanted from the supermarket only for her to tell me that sheíd driven to a local park and was walking around the lake there!

She didnít bother to call me and let me know not to come over. I walked very slowly to where she was. I couldnít believe how well she appeared to be.

That was the last time I visited her. I learnt my lesson.

I now never believe what she says about how serious all her illnesses are. Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why sheís so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe donít absorb.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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lkdrymom

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2020, 12:35:36 PM »
My father would pull the same thing your son just experienced. He would call me to tell me he NEEDS to talk to me.  I would say...ok talk.  No you have to come here.  I would ask why and he said he would have to see me. Thankfully I never ran right over...I would go the next time I had planned....and you know what he would say when I asked what was so important that I had to talk to him face to face....his answer would be NEVERMIND.  I believe that they feel they are losing control of their own lives that they have to find and maintain control of something.....and if we loved them we would allow them to control us. My feeling is that probably had a person like that in their life while growing up (in my father's case it would be his mother) so they think this i how it actually works.

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nanotech

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2020, 04:59:12 PM »
Your post reminds me when my uBPD/NPD sister wasnít well a few years ago. Sheís frequently physically unwell. This time she said she couldnít get out of bed as she was too weak and couldnít breathe well. She didnít have any food in and was too ill to go out and get any. I asked if she could get it delivered. No she couldnít do that. I offered to go and visit her by train and buy her some food. I felt so guilty as I didnít want her to starve to death. So I went and visited her.

When I arrived at the station near her I rang her to find out what she wanted from the supermarket only for her to tell me that sheíd driven to a local park and was walking around the lake there!

She didnít bother to call me and let me know not to come over. I walked very slowly to where she was. I couldnít believe how well she appeared to be.

That was the last time I visited her. I learnt my lesson.

I now never believe what she says about how serious all her illnesses are. Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why sheís so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe donít absorb.
Iíve done the same as this. UNPDsis phoned me, distressed and depressed and down. She told me she couldnít put a foot outside her front door, her life was awful etc etc. 
I was worried, I offered to go round, but she said no.,
I went round
Sheíd gone out.
I texted her while standing outside her front door. Sheíd worried me so much that it took me a while to believe she wasnít in. I knocked and rang for a long time.
She must have seen my texts? I stood there a long time to give her time to reply. Then I rang her. Nothing. Nada.

I went home still not knowing where she was.

Much much  later, I got a jokey reply to my texts.
She treated me as if Iíd overreacted.
This had happened before with my sister. 
Great big drama, I respond, then sheíd
laugh and say something along the lines of
ĎWhereís the fire??í 😁
Apparently sheíd suddenly felt better, the weather was nice, so sheíd gone out.
She found if quite funny.
I told her Iíd knocked a few times. I heard her take this in then up popped the finger of blame me for turning up unannounced-
Iíd seen her front door before sheíd had a chance to clean it!
How do they manage to make US feel guilty?
 I then spent 20 minutes  assuring her that her front door had looked clean. Sigh.
They definitely get a kick out of asking/ gaslighting you into doing things for them, especially things they donít need, but pretend to need. Then they often like to punish you for believing them!
I went home. I learned my lesson that day too. Finally.
Adrianna the way your dad is treating you is terrible. You are right not to accept it. We have to apply our own standards to their behaviour, and not accept their skewed perceptions of us as Ďstaffí.
We are all still work in progress and you have my support. As guitarman says, be a lighthouse not a lifeboat x
« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 05:50:50 PM by nanotech »

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Adrianna

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2020, 06:16:17 PM »
Thanks for your responses! I know you can all relate. Iíve had cases too with my grandmother when she exaggerated illnesses for attention. Itís all an act. She used to threaten suicide on a somewhat regular basis (believe me suicide threats should be taken seriously but she admitted herself she wouldnít do it since she though she would burn in eternal fire), but as far as I know hasnít done that in the nursing home, probably because she knows, as a manipulation tactic, it wonít work on the staff.  However oh the days when I would set a boundary and sheíd threaten to off herself to keep me quiet. Sick stuff.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2020, 11:50:42 AM »
Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why sheís so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe donít absorb.

I used your advice and words yesterday guitarman. Thank you for your post. It helped me get through a visit with my uPDmother. I used the observe don't absorb technique and thought about become a lighthouse not a lifeboat (never heard this one). Very helpful to keep in mind as she went through a few hurts she felt and bad mouthed the people who caused her such pain.


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guitarman

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2020, 08:56:28 PM »
Iíve been coping with my uBPD/NPD sisterís suicidal threats for decades. She has trained us all not to dare to criticise her behaviour or bring up the past in case she threatens to kill herself. Itís all about power and control. She has a histrionic rage if we do. She either thinks she is going to die because of her serious health issues and no one cares or she she wants to die as no one cares and has no family so whatís the point of living. Threatening suicide is abuse.

Thanks for the feedback SunnyMeadow. The ďobserve donít absorbĒ quote comes from Ross Rosenberg. He has a website www.selfloverecovery.com and has many videos on his YouTube channel.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2020, 08:59:15 PM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Psuedonym

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Re: Total lack of concern for others
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2020, 03:55:33 PM »
Boy is that one familiar, Adrianna.

When I was still in contact with uPD M (aka Negatron) she would do the same....groceries and prescriptions and all that. Now she tries to sucker my H into doing things (which he is smart enough not to).

Just last week (surprisingly right around Mother's Day!) she called to say that she was very ill with bronchitis and H needed to take her to the ER. For context, she lives in Assisted Living with 24 medical care on site, including being taken to the ER if that's necessary. But no, H was supposed to go pick her up at the facility which has banned all visitors for obvious reasons, and take her to the ER, which is just about the worst place you can be if you don't want to be exposed....because she's decided she has bronchitis.

H ignored the call, which was in the morning, and called back that evening instead. When he did, she'd pretty much forgotten all about it: oh the nurse had come by and said she didn't have bronchitis and didn't need to go to the ER after all.  :stars:

Absolutely no concern for anyone else. If I had still been in contact and refused to take her, it would have escalated into a situation like the one you described in the beginning of your post. They really are shameless, aren't they?