Total lack of concern for others

Started by Adrianna, May 09, 2020, 06:49:18 AM

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Adrianna

So update my ubpd/unpd grandmother is in a nursing home. I have not seen her since November when she told me I don't give a damn about her, I put her there to die, then when I started to leave she told me to go to hell. Fun visit! She was diagnosed with dementia with behavior issues and apparently that's why her emotional abuse turned into verbal as well. She tested positive for the virus but is asymptomatic. Totally fine. She's 98.

Her son ,my father, who no doubt is unpd , has a lot in common with his mother but without the BPD drama. He enjoys bossing people around and since I said no thanks to that game, and my son moved to another town so is not easily manipulated, he's had the paid housekeeper for that role. He does not treat her kindly, is a bully and thinks he's entitled to special treatment.

The overwhelming desire for these people to watch people do things for them never ceases to amaze me. We are but servants to them, like watching a dog do tricks. We serve no other purpose. With my grandmother she only seemed to value me when I was performing a service, and if she would fabricate things for me to do just to watch me jump. She's say jump and I'd say how high. It was truly sick and I became very bitter about it, because I did want to help, but resented being manipulated once I found out what was happening.

My fathers housekeeper is in quarantine. Her husband has it. She was there Monday doing his chores, which included wheeling the trash bin to the end of the driveway. He calls Tuesday and says he needs me to get his prescriptions and I need to wheel the trash bin back up the driveway because he doesn't want to look at it on the sidewalk. At first I agreed . In reality it's likely his Houekeeper is also infected from her husband so that means the trash bin could be contaminated too. I was going to wear gloves which he said just throw them in the bin after you're done wheeling it up the driveway. I said that totally negates the purpose if I'm going to open the bin with bare hands to throw the gloves away. Yet I was still going to do it and would bring sanitizer. He seemed pleased.

Then when he said he found another housekeeper for Friday I said great have her do it. By then hopefully the virus would have been somewhat inactive or at least less active on the surface and she won't have to possibly expose herself.  He was speechless. He said today's Tuesday that's not until Friday. I said right it's three days, suck it up and deal with it. The trash bin isn't hurting anyone sitting there. He literally had no concern for my well-being at all and just wanted to boss me around because that's what they live for. A caring normal father would say hey heads up don't even come over for a few days my housekeeper could have brought the virus over, stay away. Not this guy!  No concern for me at all.

I said since she's getting your groceries I'm sure she can get your prescriptions too and why not sign up for home delivery of your pills? He wasn't very interested in that, saying when the housekeeper came back she would always gets his pills. Of course, they live for attention. Where's the fun in having them delivered through the mail when you can watch a girl take your cash, run to the store, pick up your pills then hand deliver them to you with the receipt which he no doubt checks for accuracy along with the change she gives him. Again they take pleasure in watching others perform for them. My grandmother was exactly the same way and would have me run to the store for prescriptions or Tylenol which she claimed to need then ends up she didn't, just had me do it for the joy of watching me be inconvenienced and serving her. Truly sick.

I had to call my son to warn him not to go to my fathers since he would likely try to get him recruited. Like clockwork he called my son. Said he needs him to go over to talk to him about something. Another one of his tricks. You go over and it's absolutely something unimportant which he could have asked on the phone. Again looking for narc supply. My son is staying away. My father is lacking his narcissistic fuel aka attention with his regular housekeeper out so looking for other fuel sources. He has no concern for my son either. It's been a hard pill to swallow that my "father" truly does not care about anyone including me and my son. Who says a man has to care about his family? Society? For years I was frustrated because I kept thinking surely he must care, he's my father. That fog has lifted now. My father is unable to truly care about another human being and he's proven that to me over and over. The lack of concern he showed for my mother when she was alive was truly astonishing.

The old me would have still gone over and possibly exposed myself to the virus please him. The new me says F off, I matter and if you won't have concern for my well-being then I will. I'm surprised that I at first agreed to go over right away but old habits die hard. If he hadn't found another housekeeper, I could have said I'd go over later in the week, not that day, to reduce my chances of being exposed, however there I was agreeing to go over 24 hours after the housekeeper left to please him. It's like a reflex to comply with demands no matter how absurd because that's how we were raised. I guess I've still got work to do on it.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

SunnyMeadow

Quote from: Adrianna on May 09, 2020, 06:49:18 AM
The new me says F off, I matter and if you won't have concern for my well-being then I will. I'm surprised that I at first agreed to go over right away but old habits die hard. If he hadn't found another housekeeper, I could have said I'd go over later in the week, not that day, to reduce my chances of being exposed, however there I was agreeing to go over 24 hours after the housekeeper left to please him. It's like a reflex to comply with demands no matter how absurd because that's how we were raised. I guess I've still got work to do on it.

I'm impressed with the new you! A place of strength is the best place to be. I still work off old habits, the good girl habits. It's becoming less and less as I get older though and I like it!

All these revelations about our parents and grandparents aren't fun, are they? But at least we finally have clarity. They really are only interested in themselves and what we can do for them.

Every time I read about your grandmother still causing havoc at such an old age, it scares me. I fear my mother will still be around at age 98, causing chaos and drama. (please Noooo!) 
:spooked:

guitarman

Your post reminds me when my uBPD/NPD sister wasn't well a few years ago. She's frequently physically unwell. This time she said she couldn't get out of bed as she was too weak and couldn't breathe well. She didn't have any food in and was too ill to go out and get any. I asked if she could get it delivered. No she couldn't do that. I offered to go and visit her by train and buy her some food. I felt so guilty as I didn't want her to starve to death. So I went and visited her.

When I arrived at the station near her I rang her to find out what she wanted from the supermarket only for her to tell me that she'd driven to a local park and was walking around the lake there!

She didn't bother to call me and let me know not to come over. I walked very slowly to where she was. I couldn't believe how well she appeared to be.

That was the last time I visited her. I learnt my lesson.

I now never believe what she says about how serious all her illnesses are. Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why she's so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe don't absorb.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

lkdrymom

My father would pull the same thing your son just experienced. He would call me to tell me he NEEDS to talk to me.  I would say...ok talk.  No you have to come here.  I would ask why and he said he would have to see me. Thankfully I never ran right over...I would go the next time I had planned....and you know what he would say when I asked what was so important that I had to talk to him face to face....his answer would be NEVERMIND.  I believe that they feel they are losing control of their own lives that they have to find and maintain control of something.....and if we loved them we would allow them to control us. My feeling is that probably had a person like that in their life while growing up (in my father's case it would be his mother) so they think this i how it actually works.

nanotech

#4
Quote from: guitarman on May 09, 2020, 08:01:30 AM
Your post reminds me when my uBPD/NPD sister wasn't well a few years ago. She's frequently physically unwell. This time she said she couldn't get out of bed as she was too weak and couldn't breathe well. She didn't have any food in and was too ill to go out and get any. I asked if she could get it delivered. No she couldn't do that. I offered to go and visit her by train and buy her some food. I felt so guilty as I didn't want her to starve to death. So I went and visited her.

When I arrived at the station near her I rang her to find out what she wanted from the supermarket only for her to tell me that she'd driven to a local park and was walking around the lake there!

She didn't bother to call me and let me know not to come over. I walked very slowly to where she was. I couldn't believe how well she appeared to be.

That was the last time I visited her. I learnt my lesson.

I now never believe what she says about how serious all her illnesses are. Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why she's so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe don't absorb.
I've done the same as this. UNPDsis phoned me, distressed and depressed and down. She told me she couldn't put a foot outside her front door, her life was awful etc etc. 
I was worried, I offered to go round, but she said no.,
I went round
She'd gone out.
I texted her while standing outside her front door. She'd worried me so much that it took me a while to believe she wasn't in. I knocked and rang for a long time.
She must have seen my texts? I stood there a long time to give her time to reply. Then I rang her. Nothing. Nada.

I went home still not knowing where she was.

Much much  later, I got a jokey reply to my texts.
She treated me as if I'd overreacted.
This had happened before with my sister. 
Great big drama, I respond, then she'd
laugh and say something along the lines of
'Where's the fire??' 😁
Apparently she'd suddenly felt better, the weather was nice, so she'd gone out.
She found if quite funny.
I told her I'd knocked a few times. I heard her take this in then up popped the finger of blame me for turning up unannounced-
I'd seen her front door before she'd had a chance to clean it!
How do they manage to make US feel guilty?
I then spent 20 minutes  assuring her that her front door had looked clean. Sigh.
They definitely get a kick out of asking/ gaslighting you into doing things for them, especially things they don't need, but pretend to need. Then they often like to punish you for believing them!
I went home. I learned my lesson that day too. Finally.
Adrianna the way your dad is treating you is terrible. You are right not to accept it. We have to apply our own standards to their behaviour, and not accept their skewed perceptions of us as 'staff'.
We are all still work in progress and you have my support. As guitarman says, be a lighthouse not a lifeboat x

Adrianna

Thanks for your responses! I know you can all relate. I've had cases too with my grandmother when she exaggerated illnesses for attention. It's all an act. She used to threaten suicide on a somewhat regular basis (believe me suicide threats should be taken seriously but she admitted herself she wouldn't do it since she though she would burn in eternal fire), but as far as I know hasn't done that in the nursing home, probably because she knows, as a manipulation tactic, it won't work on the staff.  However oh the days when I would set a boundary and she'd threaten to off herself to keep me quiet. Sick stuff.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

SunnyMeadow

Quote from: guitarman on May 09, 2020, 08:01:30 AM
Everything is a drama and a crisis and has to be solved immediately. She says no one cares about her. She alienates people by her demanding behaviour but has no insight why no one wants to be around her and why she's so lonely.

Actors need audiences. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe don't absorb.

I used your advice and words yesterday guitarman. Thank you for your post. It helped me get through a visit with my uPDmother. I used the observe don't absorb technique and thought about become a lighthouse not a lifeboat (never heard this one). Very helpful to keep in mind as she went through a few hurts she felt and bad mouthed the people who caused her such pain.


guitarman

#7
I've been coping with my uBPD/NPD sister's suicidal threats for decades. She has trained us all not to dare to criticise her behaviour or bring up the past in case she threatens to kill herself. It's all about power and control. She has a histrionic rage if we do. She either thinks she is going to die because of her serious health issues and no one cares or she she wants to die as no one cares and has no family so what's the point of living. Threatening suicide is abuse.

Thanks for the feedback SunnyMeadow. The "observe don't absorb" quote comes from Ross Rosenberg. He has a website www.selfloverecovery.com and has many videos on his YouTube channel.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

Psuedonym

Boy is that one familiar, Adrianna.

When I was still in contact with uPD M (aka Negatron) she would do the same....groceries and prescriptions and all that. Now she tries to sucker my H into doing things (which he is smart enough not to).

Just last week (surprisingly right around Mother's Day!) she called to say that she was very ill with bronchitis and H needed to take her to the ER. For context, she lives in Assisted Living with 24 medical care on site, including being taken to the ER if that's necessary. But no, H was supposed to go pick her up at the facility which has banned all visitors for obvious reasons, and take her to the ER, which is just about the worst place you can be if you don't want to be exposed....because she's decided she has bronchitis.

H ignored the call, which was in the morning, and called back that evening instead. When he did, she'd pretty much forgotten all about it: oh the nurse had come by and said she didn't have bronchitis and didn't need to go to the ER after all.  :stars:

Absolutely no concern for anyone else. If I had still been in contact and refused to take her, it would have escalated into a situation like the one you described in the beginning of your post. They really are shameless, aren't they?