First NC Mother's Day

[gcj07a]

Today is my first mother's day while NC with unBPDm. I've been NC since September 1 of 2019 and it has been WONDERFUL! However, lots of guilt and sadness and "what ifs." This is doubly hard because my F filed for divorce around the same time I went NC (for the same reasons) and that should be finalized in the next week or two. I keep imagining her sitting alone in her apartment (she's immuno-compromised and has been hiding alone for weeks) thinking about how her son and husband left her. I know my enSis has been checking on her, but still I fear she'll kill herself or something. Anyhow, mother's day this year is very difficult. I have my delightful grandmother (dad's side) and mother-in-law and wife to celebrate, but I'm pissed that this nonsense is ruining what would otherwise be a good day.

[bloomie]

gcj07a - that you have compassion and sadness for your mom as she experiences the consequences of her choices alongside feelings of gratitude and celebration for the stellar women in your life shows that you are a caring and kind person. It is a strange thing to grieve a lost parent that is still living. Complicated and messy at times.

I am glad you shared!

[blacksheep7]

Hi gcj07a,

I hear you.  The first nc M day is difficult because of the Guilt.  Yes, because we were brought up in the fog: fear, obligation & guilt.  It's normal but it will subside with time, believe me. 

The guilt I felt in my first year nc was very painful, I thought more about her needs being a widow, alone, bla bla bla than mine.  We did not decide to nc lightly, having endured much pain.  For our protection and mental health.


better days ahead
take care

[BettyGray]

Yes, the first of each holiday is the hardest. Mothers Day is particularly tough because it was always a hard day anyway, even when we were in contact I hated this holiday so much. It all felt so insincere. Greeting cards were sickening and made me jealous of those with good-enough moms.

After NC, it took me a couple of years to begin to feel ok about it. Now it's just another day - like you, I celebrate with my MIL and SIL, as I have no children of my own.

Each year and Mother's Day that passes will sting less and less. In the end neither you or your dad is responsible for her well-being.  She made you believe that, but it isn't true.  Enjoy the day with those you love and who love you.

[Andeza]

Today is my first nc mother's day as well. It feels weird, kinda surreal, but not bad. I have a decent mil, and this is my second mother's day being a mom. So far the weather is gorgeous, the baby is happy, and I'm thinking about planting some veggies in the garden.

It's works different from last year, when I would feel pressured, and fight the pressure with every fiber of my being, to call my UbpdM on her "special" day.

I agree the day has been hugely blown out of proportion. These, largely, hallmark holidays are filled with rooms of guilt inducing commercials and societal expectations that everyone has a good relationship with their families. We here know better. Not all parents are cut from the same cloth. And not all parents should actually BE parents.

I wish you the best with your family of choice. As for me? I saved almost $100 on flowers and cards this year. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

gcj07a - One thing I noticed about your post is that it seems to reflect that NC is not about being mad at someone, not loving them, or wanting to lash out or punish anyone. Instead, it is knowing what is the healthiest thing for ourselves mentally and emotionally. It is an act of self-preservation. When we get to that point, there can be an element of grief and loss. However, there is also such clarity. While difficult to be here, it can also set us on a very good path moving forward. I am happy you have other women in your life to celebrate today. I think it is amazing how much goodness we can see around us when our focus is not diverted elsewhere. 

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! It's been a horrible day, but maybe less horrible because of y'all's encouragement. My wife is an RN on a unit with covid patients and she had to work a 12 hour (turned into 15 hour) shift today while I stayed home with our 3 preschool age kids. Trying to be a good dad while social distancing and dealing with all of my emotions drove me to social media where I saw the parade of "normal' mothers day pictures posted by en-sis. Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day.

[Andeza]

Please give your wife my sincerest gratitude for what she does. And to you as well, for being the good guy that you are that's willing to take care of the kids even when it's hard. Sending virtual hugs.

[KeepingMyBlue]

Each year and Mother's Day that passes will sting less and less. In the end neither you or your dad is responsible for her well-being.  She made you believe that, but it isn't true.  Enjoy the day with those you love and who love you.

Confirming this.

Hugs
Blue

[Morocha2015]

If it helps, I'd offer that you and your F leaving her could be the kindest thing you could do. It's possible it could force her to look inward and question what she may have done. My HPDm has been seeing a therapist because of this, which gives me hope for her. Her life would be so much better if she could see her own behavior and what it does to others.

And I agree with what others have said, it gets a little easier ever year!