Feeling all the feels on Mothers Day

wisingup · May 10, 2020, 09:38:11 AM

Now that I'm established as VVVVLC with my mom & she has more or less accepted it, I don't post here often since there is no drama to report or confusing interactions to interpret. I still read daily though & feel the camaraderie of this community who have such similar experiences.

Today I'm feeling it though. Strangely, selfishly? - I'm feeling sorry for myself. I want to call my mom & have a warm loving conversation with her, ask if she's staying in and staying safe, talk about some fun memories. There's a part of my mom that I could do that with. But first I'd have to go through the wringer of guilt trips over my treatment of her, listen to her moans about every aspect of her life and health, and a few intrusive and judgmental questions about my life and my kids. I just cant face that. And because I can't face it, I feel guilty anyway that I am the kind of daughter who does not call her mother on mother's day, and I hear in my head all the extended family talking about how terrible I am and how my mom was ignored on mothers day. I did send a birthday present, as her birthday is this week, but I did not mention MD. I stopped acknowledging MD after it became an annual source of anxiety for me over whether she would be celebrated to her satisfaction or would pout. I spent a few mothers days when I had small children hosting events for her.

And of course, I do feel deeply sorry for my mother. She's not a person with bad intentions. She was broken as a child & has no idea how to fix herself and her situation. Or just can't face the self-reflection it would take to fix things. She lives with her sister now, but this will be their first mothers day living together. Her sister will likely be showered with gifts & phone calls from her kids & grandkids. Oy, that image hurts. I feel like I could send a text or email, but in some ways I feel like that would hurt more than it would help. Perhaps that's just an excuse.

Sending out good vibes to all on this most difficult of days for many.

lydde · May 10, 2020, 06:18:18 PM

I feel your pain. I hate opening Facebook today and seeing all these love posts for moms. I feel disgust. Thinking about hugs and kisses and affection towards my mom, I can't even think about it. I haven't desired it since I was a child.
But I do feel sorry for myself, sorry for missing out on having an actual mom. These posts remind me how my mother doesn't care at all and never did. It will never stop hurting.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way too 😞
Hugs

MIB · May 10, 2020, 09:22:50 PM

I understand and feel the same way, to a large extent. All the messaging around a Mother's unconditional love makes me want to barf - and feel a bit sorry for myself.

But then I think back to the things my mother did. All the birthdays, Christmases, and special occasions she ruined for me. The times I bought or made her cards as a young child, and the moment she got angry she would grab it off the dresser, crumple it up and throw it on the ground. What a horrible thing to do to a child.

So quite frankly, screw her. She ruined so many important occasions for me, I am not allowing her to do it any more. She's lucky I send her a text, because I'm definitely not sending her a Frigging card.

wisingup · May 11, 2020, 08:22:19 AM

Thanks for the support guys! I surprised myself by actually calling her in the afternoon. I talked with my brother first who said she's in a good mood & it would probably go fine. And it did. When she manages to control herself we can have a pleasant conversation. I just know there are land mines everywhere & one can go off at any minute so I am stressed during every interaction with her.

Maxtrem · May 11, 2020, 04:07:32 PM

Quote from: MIB on May 10, 2020, 09:22:50 PM
I understand and feel the same way, to a large extent. All the messaging around a Mother's unconditional love makes me want to barf - and feel a bit sorry for myself.

But then I think back to the things my mother did. All the birthdays, Christmases, and special occasions she ruined for me. The times I bought or made her cards as a young child, and the moment she got angry she would grab it off the dresser, crumple it up and throw it on the ground. What a horrible thing to do to a child.

So quite frankly, screw her. She ruined so many important occasions for me

I went through the same thing when I was looking for a Mother's Day card, every time I read messages: from loving mothers who gave so much, who put their children first... it made me feel very strange! I would have felt so hypocritical to have given her one of those cards

littlevoice · May 13, 2020, 03:32:34 PM

My mom actually called ME at around 2p.m and said "What day is this?"

AD · May 18, 2020, 11:00:07 AM

I went through the same thing when I was looking for a Mother's Day card, every time I read messages: from loving mothers who gave so much, who put their children first... it made me feel very strange! I would have felt so hypocritical to have given her one of those cards
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I always struggle to find a card that basically just says "Happy Mother's Day, have a nice day". There are so many filled with messages like "you've always been there for me, you're my hero". Sadly, no.

Same when I used to buy my parents anniversary cards (I stopped). PD F doesn't do anything for the day, and EN M has sometimes complained when the kids haven't gotten a card or something to celebrate it. Mmmm, its your marriage/anniversary.

sandpiper · June 01, 2020, 04:53:19 PM

One of my friends lost her mother recently & she did one of those social media posts along the lines of 'I miss my mother every day and if you want to complain to me about your mother I will block you. Everyone has disagreements, sort it out.' Her mother was a bipolar alcoholic narcissist/borderline.
I rolled my eyes & thought 'Ignore'.
I figure that if you can't listen to someone who has been abused telling their story then you are living on top one helluva house of cards.

SunnyMeadow · June 02, 2020, 07:49:38 AM

Quote from: AD on May 18, 2020, 11:00:07 AM
I always struggle to find a card that basically just says "Happy Mother's Day, have a nice day". There are so many filled with messages like "you've always been there for me, you're my hero". Sadly, no.

I found a card that said basically "it's mother's day - enjoy the day" and bought it immediately because the sugary sweet cards were turning my stomach. I mailed it because we were NC but I couldn't ignore Mother's Day completely. I used to plan a really nice outing and gift for her

every year but not that year, I couldn't be around her.

She blew a gasket when she received the card. I thought my phone was going to self destruct after the nasty text she sent. "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOUUUUU", followed red hot angry faces. Aren't they a delight?

I figured out the way to be a good, caring mother to my children. Do the exact opposite of what my mother does.

Starboard Song · June 02, 2020, 07:55:08 AM

Quote from: littlevoice on May 13, 2020, 03:32:34 PM
My mom actually called ME at around 2p.m and said "What day is this?"

Oh crap. I spit my coffee out.

moglow · June 02, 2020, 09:07:03 AM

Little voice, I feel ya. Mine didn't call me directly but she did ask my brother about me when she'd not heard from me by early afternoon. She said it "wasn't like me to have not called already." She has no clue what is or isn't "like me" other than that daughter in her fantasy world. (Note - brother and I had taken her to lunch the day before and were scraping for conversation topics as it was.) As per her usual, mother picked up her expectations and ran with them, as if we're to read her mind and comply.