Line between invalidation & sanity?

[heron]

I recently read Controlling People, and I was saddened (but glad to learn) that I have some of the behaviors they describe. (As does wife ofc). Specifically when I don't like my wife's feelings, I will try to talk her out of them.

So I am trying to stop doing this. To understand that feelings just are, however inconvenient they are for me sometimes. To not tell her, or let her tell me, what we think, feel, mean, intend, or are.

A recent example is that I am getting treatment for substance abuse, and she sometimes talks to my addiction counselor. Recently I think he wasn't on her side when she dumped about me because afterwards she said a bunch of mean things about him. Then he offered to come over and go on a hike with me. I mentioned it to her, asking about shelter-in-place and exposure risk, figuring she has a say in that.

She got mad that I was suggesting anyone come to the house, not because of virus, but because she wants it to be her safe shelter from anyone she gets any bad vibes about in any way. She said I could meet him down the street, as long as I didn't bring either of the kids with me. She said he seems sleazy like maybe he's a child molester.

At the time, I was focused on respecting her feelings and her wants for her home. So it wasn't until later I realized the black and white stinkin thinkin of how fast she went from "He didn't say what I wanted" to "he's bad" to "he's a child molester".

What do I do about these kinds of cognitive distortions that respects her emotional autonomy but also my belief that it's an unproductive & irrational way to view the world and I don't like having my life be more difficult because of it?

Do I just have to accept that because I'm staying, I'm accepting how she is, including all of these kinds of things? I'm just very outspoken and not very good at pretending I agree when I don't, or not saying crazy things are crazy.

I also don't know how to love and respect someone like this. But in my culture divorce is not acceptable and so I'm committed to staying (with certain limits).

Thanks in advance for advice.

[bloomie]

hi heron - I really like how you are open and insightful to issues that you may have and are working on those. I haven't read Controlling People and am curious about it. Thanks for mentioning it.

It seems you found a good way to handle your wife's desire to not have your friend/sponsor in her physical space. I don't think we have to pretend we agree with someone when we don't, but we can respect their decisions, right to their opinions, and boundaries and negotiate a compromise like you have done.

A really good podcast that works through so many aspects of boundary setting that I am finding clarifying and helpful when faced with what seems to me to be irrational behaviors and attitudes in my own family member is called Beyond Bitchy. I started at the first episode and am working through them and think you may find the content validating and practical help: https://beyondbitchy.com/podcast/page/8/

I believe we can't change how another person views the world, but we can set reasonable limits on how their views impact our lives.