Here again

[Feeling sick]

I thought things ha got better, we have had a good spell. But last night I FaceTime a friend and my partner, became furious at something I said, told me at the end that we were done. She was fed up with my behaviour and that that I had not changed. I had had a bit too much to drink, so I couldn't quite remember everything that we had said but I truly didn't think it was any of the things she hates. ( making fun of her, making her feel small, belittling her in front of people). I was so worried I asked my friend what I had done that could have upset my partner so much they said I hadn't done anything. We have been here before, I end up crying, and apologising for it all and trying to do better and it not again. This time I cried and state again to say sorry, but she was not interested. I am now not wanting to go downstairs, as I am going to go through it all again, or I will be ignored, cold eyes like I'm the worst killer ever. I feel terrible, upset, frightened, . I don't know what to do, say that will work. Help.

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe read in the toolbox in this websote and find some tools to avoid such conversations and to put up boundaries.

Also some pds get a since of anxiety and abandonment when people theybdepend on for narcissistic supply are giving attentiin to others. 

[Feeling sick]

Thanks. It feels like a replay of all our big fallouts, I always done something to her, overshared stuff,  made her feel terrible. It's always left me feeling as if I'm the evil person and she is the viictim . I keep trying to work out if  it's me with the pd and she's the  ok one.  The coldness, lack of affection is really horrible, I feel frozen out af is she's MCing me.. there's also a kind of over affecting to everyone else, like I'm on the outside, our boys are getting all the affection, that I'm used to. Like my bad behaviour is being rubbed in my face.  The pain of all this is  so bad, I just want it to stop and go back to where it was. How did I get soo careless.

[Feeling sick]

Sorry, me again. I'm really struggling, I'm  ready to break , to have that conversation when I break down, admit everything, say I'm sorry, will try and be a better person, that I'm the one doing her 'bad' . I Keep thinking I've blown it this time. It's always me feeling like I've done the betraying, if I hadn't called my friend, we might have been ok, if I hadn't had a drink. I keep doing the what ifs, but I think maybe this was a crash that was on its way anyway?  I think she likes being the victim, the drama of it all , and I can't ever get it right.,

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you have come to a point where you are mighty confused. Do you have access to a counselling centre, some CoDA meetings, a trusted friend, family members you can trust? You need a reality check. Your perception of the situation is different than your partner's and it might help if you could find some clarity. You could start a diary where you document what you did and what your partner's reaction was. You could write down how you feel, just to bring some order into your experience.
Sounds like you trust this friend that you facetimed with. What does he say to your situation?

[Feeling sick]

I do trust him, known each other for years, he's a good friend. I talked with him last night, and asked what he thought. He said I hadn't done anything to make her feel bad, and that he felt she was trying to have an argument with him. I got drawn in and reacted . It's an old argument about my work and how useless and pointless it is, with threats to withdraw any cooperation/ support if I continue with how I view it. (Photography).
I defended and eventually asked her to leave. So I have made her look bad, not agreed, and now  being emotionally  frozen out. Speaking but that's it.

[GettingOOTF]

I’m sorry for your situation, it sounds awful.

Alcohol tends to magnify our feelings and lower our inhibitions. You say you’d been drinking to the point where you don’t remember exactly what you said. My ex and I had some of our worst fights when alcohol was involved. Both on his and my side, so I’ve been where you are as well as on the receiving end.

I gently suggest looking at the drinking. Removing alcohol from my life really helped with my emotional regulation. It also allowed me to see situations for what they were vs what I thought they were. My communication with others improved dramatically and there were far fewer misunderstandings in my life.

I also support notright’s CoDA recommendation.

I hope you are able to find support and resolve this issue.

[Starboard Song]

notrightinthehead is, as usual, very right in the head.

A journal of these events is a great idea, as is a trusted FOC person on whom you can rely for advice and guidance. This can give you confidence in yourself, or clarity about the nature of this relationship.

I see you are new to the forum. Welcome!

Take a moment to check out our Personality Disorders page, where we describe all the major types of PDs. Considering that list will help you determine if anybody in this relationship is even likely to have a PD. You may determine there are just problems, and no pathology at all.

Our Toolbox has tactics: what to do and what to avoid doing. Good luck to you. Do remember as you read that all of us exhibit some of these attributes some of the time. Displaying some of those tendencies doesn't make one disordered.

So much good strength to you. Count to ten, stabilize, and then begin your new day.

[Feeling sick]

Thanks for this, I don't usually drink a lot but this time yes I did. I think avoiding alcohol is a good idea from now on. I just want to say  I have altered quite a few details, as I'm really anxious about being recognised.

[GettingOOTF]

I worked with a therapist. I found this enormously helpful. I was resistant a first but it changed my path.

She helped me recognize that I drink when I’m uncertain about things. I worked on finding ways to deal with uncertainly so I didn’t drink. I generally didn’t drink at other times. A lot of the change for me was recognizing how I felt and not being reactive.

It sounds like a stressful situation with your partner. There is a lot of information and support here and many of us have or had very similar situations to you so most importantly there is understanding.

[PeanutButter]

I do trust him, known each other for years, he's a good friend. I talked with him last night, and asked what he thought. He said I hadn't done anything to make her feel bad, and that he felt she was trying to have an argument with him. I got drawn in and reacted . It's an old argument about my work and how useless and pointless it is, with threats to withdraw any cooperation/ support if I continue with how I view it. (Photography).
I defended and eventually asked her to leave. So I have made her look bad, not agreed, and now  being emotionally  frozen out. Speaking but that's it.

Im sorry for the fear and sadness you are experiencing.
To me it sounds more like it is about her 'policing' your thoughts and beliefs than it is about you actually doing or saying something offensive.
Its common ime to notice a repeating cycle eventually in this type of dynamics in a relationship.
IMO it isnt helpful to grovel and beg or apologise for things you didnt even do. You did not betray her. You did not do her wrong. You did not blow it! You are not responsible for her reactions.
I would only apologise for specific behaviors she could name IE 'name calling, yelling, making threats, etc.
I would ask her to describe the behaviors that were troubling to her so that you know what specifically to work on. 'Making her look bad', 'dis agreeing', etc. are vague and descriptive of her feelings. Do not accept them as your 'faults' imo!

[heron]

Somehow when I read advice in books, like boundaries books, it always seems like it's just to be honest and straightforward and ought to be easy. Yet, it's so hard to do when in the middle of a situation - I know I struggle a lot.

Here you could say something like "I'm sorry you didn't like what I said when talking to my friend. I don't think that I said anything that I would expect to bother you, but I was a bit drunk and I don't really remember, so I can't be sure. If I did, I apologize. A way you could help me do better in the future is if you can remember specific phrases or topics from the convo that bothered you and tell me now. If you don't remember the details either, then maybe we should just let this one go."

This gives you a base you can stick to regardless of what happens. If she gets more specific, you can decide if you believe her, or would say that, or think it's actually impolite, and respond accordingly. If not, there's really not much more to be said besides "If I said something I shouldn't have, I apologize". No need to let the drama build, or have anyone be "bad". We all make mistakes sometimes, hard though some people find that to believe.

[Feeling sick]

Thank you for this, I have just read Dana'  Mornithstar's book on narcissism  and personality disorders Start Here'  I am learning a lot. 
I can see an awful lot of things that ring true for this relationship, but I'm still in it, I'm really scared because I've stepped on her boundaries and reacted when she pushed my buttons, but I can't get out of it. I feel so lonely, still thinking how stupid I've been, how couldn't I shut up?  She being cordial, but not affectionate, cold, but not nasty, as such,. It felt really good before, I relaxed, thought we were doing well, thought I had managed to make her feel I was behaving , that  I was walking the right path, and then I go and say the wrong things to trigger this all off. I should have known better. My partner never forgets an insult or offence, she  brings up everything, even the things I haven't done and makes it like I had.  The good has been so nice I forgot to be careful, and now I'm reaping the whirlwind.  She threatened  that I was on my own now, that I would never make it on my own , has said that no one would love me as much or like her again.  And now she is acting out her threat, she's treating me like a visitor in my own family and it's real agony.

[Feeling sick]

Also beginning to see I' am co dependant and want to rescue people too.

[heron]

Thank you for this, I have just read Dana'  Mornithstar's book on narcissism  and personality disorders Start Here'  I am learning a lot. 
I can see an awful lot of things that ring true for this relationship, but I'm still in it, I'm really scared because I've stepped on her boundaries and reacted when she pushed my buttons, but I can't get out of it. I feel so lonely, still thinking how stupid I've been, how couldn't I shut up?  She being cordial, but not affectionate, cold, but not nasty, as such,. It felt really good before, I relaxed, thought we were doing well, thought I had managed to make her feel I was behaving , that  I was walking the right path, and then I go and say the wrong things to trigger this all off. I should have known better. My partner never forgets an insult or offence, she  brings up everything, even the things I haven't done and makes it like I had.  The good has been so nice I forgot to be careful, and now I'm reaping the whirlwind.  She threatened  that I was on my own now, that I would never make it on my own , has said that no one would love me as much or like her again.  And now she is acting out her threat, she's treating me like a visitor in my own family and it's real agony.

It's great that you are learning about PDs. It's not stupid to want to have an open, relaxed conversation with a friend where you aren't walking on eggshells. It also could be that you made a mistake and did something you told her you wouldn't - if so, that's worth a little regret and an apology, but that's it - people make mistakes.

Based on what you are saying, it sounds like you believe that there is a path you can walk that won't trigger her - that her being angry is mainly about you and what you did, and not about her. You should consider the possibility that her feelings are actually about her much more than you, and that maybe there is no way for you to not trigger her (ie she will always find something to be offended about). Or, that the only way is to make yourself so small and show so little of yourself, that it's not a way you can actually live and be happy. The books I've read on abuse say that the #1 mistake of victims is to think that they can stop the abuse by not triggering the abuser. To think it's about the victim's actions, rather than the abusers issues.

Just something to consider. Also, from what I read, it's common for abusers to say that you can't make it on your own or no one will love you as much, and it's basically never true. You should read the statement as an attempt to dominate and control you and make you need her, whatever the psychic cost to you, not as a true evaluation of your character or relationship.

[GettingOOTF]

Feeling Sick have you read Codependent No More? That book helped me so much. I recommend it to every single person who is in an abusive/PD/alcoholic relationship. It really opened my eyes to so many things about myself.

[Feeling sick]

Thank you for the book suggestions, I'm working my way through them. But , I think I can see just now a little clearer. He's withdrawing affection just now and I'm desperate for any crumb of that, but as we haven't had a discussion over what happened, it is up to me to ask to talk about it, and when he agrees, I am begging for forgiveness and for us to be back  to .where we were . This is the pattern of our big arguments, it's always me  having failed him and then having to promise not to do it again then he will be affectionate again and I'm relieved. These last few years have been bad as I have been on a development course, which he has not liked, and the job it results in, (which I have just started) he demeans, has said if I don't View it the way he does, then we are done , that it's a deal breaker for him. I tried to defend it but then collapsed and agreed to view it the he way he does. I have really really tried to do that, but in that FaceTime, he told my friend and me again what he thinks of what we do and he didn't hold back. I got defensive as I said and we are here.
Last year he told his love for me was like a fire, but if I kept behaving the way I did I would be putting out the fire permanently and that was fine by him if that was the Relationship that I wanted , because that would be what I got. Ever since then I have been trying not to do that, so why did he push those buttons knowing how I might be.
I have also seen how I have never had any of the power in this, it has always been up to him to decide what happens because I'm always begging for  the crumbs. How come I've never seen this before, and what do I do. He has all the cards, whatever our relationship becomes he gets to choose.
I'm also frightened whether I ask to talk or whether I just keep silent and it's like this forever. It's a no win place to be and it's really scary. Just realised, so much for me trying to change details. .

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! What insight you have! You can see the dynamics of your relationship clearly. Now ask yourself - is that the kind of relationship that you want and that is good for you?

[Feeling sick]

Thank you for this, I do find all of Everyone's posts really helpful, it's becoming a helpline for me. I think I am beginning to lift my head Out of the FOG, and maybe I have been denying a lot of it even since the first  dates we had. I am remembering when I first met him my dad had just died and when I introduced him to my mom, I mentioned three things she would not appreciate him doing, to be careful and that she was vulnerable. Within the first few hours he had done ALL 3. When I asked him what it is about, he thought it was a bit funny, then that I hadn't really meant it, it wasn't that bad, and thar she would get over it.
How come I didn't I didn't have an ahahahaha moment!
I have also realised that when all these books talk of boundaries, mine have either been non existent or very loose and I do have a problem not holding them. Boy did I have Supply written on my head.
And now because of my blindness and actually my continued blindness, I am in this horrible state with two kids and no escape.
I don't want to live like this but don't think I have much choice  just now and I'm afraid of making any decisions , I also don't know what would pacify him so he's not angry.

[Feeling sick]

Sorry it's me again. Having a hard evening. I feel like I'm being played with like  it's a horrible cat and mouse with me as the scared mouse. I am missing the intimacy soo much, how can he talk with me so easily as if there had been nothing and not miss that. Oh and of course it's all my fault. Having some insight doesn't  make the pain go.im in hell at the moment, and even thinking of having the talk makes me sick, because I will have it all shoved down my throat, cos I did it didnt l? We need to have that talk but I'm soo scared , I think I'm still hoping that he will go back to being what he was a week ago ! It's such an overnight change! And yet if he hadn't said those things I wouldn't have got angry. I'm so conflicted