Relentless...refuses to let go...

[freedom77]

Hi all....
I haven't posted in awhile. I've been on here reading though. Everyone's stories and support mean a lot to me as I traverse this transition Out of the FOG.

It's been just over 3 months since going 100% NC with BPD/N mother. She has not given up.
This morning I awake to find emails from her on my phone!!! 

This is quite shocking, as the woman has never before composed an email in her entire life (that I know of  ). I released a bitter chuckle as I read "I can't believe you'd abandon me during a pandemic. Only someone as truly evil as yourself would do that to a wonderful mother and grandmother as me. And I don't even know how to use a computer, or do emails...you always handled all that stuff for me...."

Dear woman...then how is it 10 emails from YOU found their way to ME this fine bright spring morning...??   

She went on to say she doesn't know how to do her banking...get to Dr. appts....get meds...get paperwork done...yadda yadda yadda...

Interesting...you see I still have access to all of the portals to the above mentioned woes...because mother is being truthful in that yes, I did manage many of her affairs when she'd don her waif gloves and take to her bed when even the most mildest of inconvenience came to town...and I dutifully fulfilled this "responsibility" for years...so yeah I can log on to her banking...her appts...her meds...yadda yadda...

And guess what...she's managing JUST FINE. All her bills are paid, her banking is in perfect order, meds picked up on time, appts kept, transportation arranged...everything that I used to do for years, and years, and years, and years...is still getting done without so much as a hitch. Must be magic.

That, or the more likely scenario that she's figured out how to do it herself...something she could have done all along. It was just far more satisfying having ME do it all.

There was more ugliness to her messages. Trashing me, name calling, the usual...but here's the grandest of them all..

She stated that I taught my daughter to disrespect her..."and to disrespect a wonderful grandma like me, is to disrespect God." Wow. Just. Wow.

She's up there in the ranks of God now.

She's also demanding to know when "this nonsense behavior of yours will end". In other words, when will we return to the status quo.

Never.

That's when.

[littlevoice]

wow. thank you for sharing all of this..it is exactly what I'm going through...all of my life I've been so fearful for my mom because she's an "idiot"...for the first time, I realize she's been playing me all along. wow.

[Andeza]

Disrespecting God... I can't even. I just can't. I'm losing it over here. Laughing that is! I'm laughing my butt off!

Oh wow, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this though. I hope that you will be able to enjoy the humor of it eventually, I really do.

Her tune has not changed even a tiny little bit. She is certainly determined, and kicking that broken vending machine so hard she's gonna break a toe at this rate.

Hang in there, Freedom. Soon you'll be moving, getting some distance, leaving no forwarding address (hint hint) and then you can systematically block block block her at every avenue of attack. Trashed no more! Yeah, that's the light at the end of the tunnel.

[treesgrowslowly]

I have an NPD mother I am NC with..

Your post. I get it. As the adult child of a narcissist, I knew before reading it that moments after writing you are "truly evil", she would state some caring things you did for her. And yep, there it was. You are both "truly evil" and also somehow someone who took care of her computer and email needs. Cause that us what evil people do. Good grief.

I have gotten those sorts of emails too. "You're evil and terrible and I am not abusive at all but if you don't listen to me I will never forgive you but also lets have a relationship i miss you".

The ramblings of a PD are intense, in their bizarre mixture of fog-inducing rhetoric. Fear... guilt... obligation. I am sorry you got these. I block all emails.

I am glad you have such a view of this gaslighting and nonsense. Before blocking them i had a trick I used. Everything she said about me I would tell myself "actually she's talking to herself".

In other words when your mom wrote "when will this nonsense behaviour of yours end", imagine she is sitting in front of a mirror saying that to herself.

Every thing my mother said I was , is actually how she is. 

It isn't you who is in a nonsensical state.

It gets easier. Stay true to yourself. I do not for one minute regret protecting myself from her abuse.

Trees

[Psuedonym]

And I don't even know how to use a computer, or do emails...she says, in the email, she is sending you. 

There are a lot of similarities here in language to what I get from uBPD M (Negatron), including:

abaonded! I"ve been abandoned (especially during a pandemic!)
your behavior is 'ridiculous'. Yep, gotten that one a lot.
Neg is an atheist so doesn't bring up God, but does frequently refer to herself as 'the best mother in the world!'
Instead of calling me evil mine likes to tell my H that I'm a: liar/mentally unstable/not normal/ungrateful/childish/and ridiculous. And then also wants to know when I'll be visiting. Like you, the answer is: never.

Mine also learned how to send an email just last week for the purpose of bugging me because I blocked her number long ago. Btw, I've been NC for a year and a half and she still calls constantly (I just ask H to delete them without ever looking at them) so don't expect that to stop any time soon. I would consider blocking all forms of communication from her, because they're insanely stubborn.

[Ladymm]

Freedom77,

I feel angry just as I feel in my body all the feelings one endures when is called names and judged from a mother. When this happens to me, I feel like Im her robot, which she programmed to serve and adore her and is now not working as she wants and she is now slamming it to a wall.

I feel you did the only right thing to protect yourself and recognized the abuse.

I went very low contact with my gm who happens to be ill now. My mother the flying monkey asks me every time why I don't call her. Where is me in this?

Once it was daily life for me to be used as servant and therapist for these figures. And feeling guilty for being alive. But not only being neglected, also being judged for not taking care of them is evident abuse. And I see that to a good degree you recognized that! But I think many of us were brought up to be their serves and have no right now to become self actualized outside that.

I think being judged by a mother hurts so much, because the survival mode "you will die now, you are abandoned" kicks out from childhood survival mode. And I think they know it hurts and this is why they do it. Maybe the pain is always felt but not reacting to it and trying not to judge ourselves is key I think.

I sometimes think if these mothers really feel pain. But I can't imagine that, because I think pain is a part of an emphatic reaction, and I never saw real empathy in these figures. If I see my child upset, for example, I will feel a bit of fear or pain and I will try to calm the child. I never saw this in my mother. I think in reality what these pd people feel is just shame.

May we all see and recognize all forms of emotional abuse as clear as daylight and keep ourselves far from them.

[PeanutButter]

Im so sorry for the email attacks. 'What a wonderful mother' they show her to be.
The contradicting 'guilting you' and simultaneously 'vilifying you' reminded me of something jerry wise mentioned that acknowledged this type of parent push/pull
"Take care of me, but you are bad!"
I find the abandonment claims so ludicrous yet typical.

[Amadahy]

Sorry.  I hate this sh*t.  However, it is firm validation that you made the absolute right and healthy choice for you and DD.  Thank goodness you are getting Out of the FOG.  Hugs and a reminder that you are not bad, evil, uncaring or any of those things.  Most of us, including you, have spent countless years trying to hold up a one-sided relationship only to be called such.  (My Nmom's favorite for me was that I was "cold." I despised that label and she knew it.)

[freedom77]

Thank you all for the great replies, they are very appreciated. It's very comforting to "talk" with others who get it...because people who don't understand pwPDs don't.

Yes, isn't that it exactly?! I hate you, you're foul, wish you'd never been born!, btw when are you going to call me back? I hope you're okay, do visit soon! 

Mmmkay...I definitely want to call and visit someone who simultaneously hates yet misses me. I definitely enjoy and appreciate the name-calling, smearing, and reminders of how I should not have been born. I most certainly miss the long list of requisite chores, errands, and never-ending dramas it was always my job to fix.

Sounds great...let's book lunch!! 

[PeanutButter]

Thank you all for the great replies, they are very appreciated. It's very comforting to "talk" with others who get it...because people who don't understand pwPDs don't.

Yes, isn't that it exactly?! I hate you, you're foul, wish you'd never been born!, btw when are you going to call me back? I hope you're okay, do visit soon! 

Mmmkay...I definitely want to call and visit someone who simultaneously hates yet misses me. I definitely enjoy and appreciate the name-calling, smearing, and reminders of how I should not have been born. I most certainly miss the long list of requisite chores, errands, and never-ending dramas it was always my job to fix.

Sounds great...let's book lunch!! 

   

[freedom77]

Trees... thank you for the idea of imaging her sitting at a mirror talking about herself, because in actuality, that is what she's doing and has always done my whole entire life. Projection. I can recall innumerable times she would call me names, accuse me of things, even as a small kid I would think to myself, "but that's how YOU are..." and would be left feeling very confused.

This has actually produced an identity crisis type thing in me. I'm going to post about it today. She's also real big on claiming she is not at all abusive, that I abuse HER....she'll say I "screamed at" her, when in reality, I stated a fact, did not raise my voice one octave...and in fact, she was the one who roared back at me.

[treesgrowslowly]

 Hi Freedom77,

It's one of the main reasons why I had to go NC. It isn't just that they are full of these awful traits, which is bad enough, it is that they affected our self esteem and identity as children and I myself had no possible road to recovery if I kept her in my life into my 30s and 40a.

It would just be that projection, over and over. Nons don't get it. They didn't have an N parent steamroll their identity work as children.

You described your childhood inner feelings perfectly. Thanks for sharing that. Confused was how I felt around my NPD mom too. It helps me to hear others talk about that stuff.

so early on in my NC, I would tell nons I was NC. It was crazy how often I was verbally attacked by people once I told them I had to go NC. It taught me a lot. About how little people understand this situation we find ourselves in.

There are so many ways to explore identity work. I am excited for you. It is not too late to learn who you are and what you enjoy and what feels good. For children of NPD parents, boundaries around our time are definitely needed so that we can discover how we feel. Otherwise other peoples emotions tend to affect us a lot, too much. This comes from having parents who disrupted the SELF boundary early on with their projection. Which again, you described beautifully. Love they self. 

Trees