didn't react but felt like it!

Started by Dodo, May 11, 2020, 11:19:39 PM

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Dodo

My sister in law whom I've know for over 30 years and we have always been close (my husband and her brother died 6 years ago from a long illness) so my new partner of over 3 years doesn't like her and has made it difficult for me.  So she asked me if I'd like to come with her on a road trip this summer to visit her daughter and some other family members I've known for years and would like to see.  So I may be gone for a week or so, well my partner who I have mentioned in other posts does not travel at all and we never have plans to do anything, well I knew he'd be pissed and of course I was right ..... I totally haven't made up my mind about going but told him I didn't feel comfortable with being around a bunch of people (because of the virus), but still may want to go (it won't be till July anyway).  Well my partner says "doesn't she know that you are in a relationship" insinuating that she is doing something to him!    I was so pissed but said nothing, If I decide that I would like to go with her I know it's going to be a fight.....what do you think? Am I wrong not to consider his feelings? 

notrightinthehead

But you do consider his feelings! Do you consider your own feelings just that tiny little bit more? And does he consider your feelings? If my partner wanted to go on a trip with a friend he has know for years and see some people he likes, I would be delighted for him.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

1footouttadefog

As someone who is starting to fit in the category of old here is my take,

Do you want to be in a relationship where any time spent with others is seen as a sort of cheating.  At least that is how I am interpreting his comment about your SIL knowing you are in a relationship. 

If not take the trip and set up the new normal.  If he leaves over it then it meant it would never have changed.

If you are okay being isolated at home in his world only then don't go.

Of course there are likely more considerations, my point being that a lot of pd people will isolate their partners and don't allow outside attention and friends.  At three years in its a good time to start boundaries on what you will and will not accept and limits on what you will sacrifice.

Believe me you can never give enough to satisfy them.

Dodo

Thank you I totally agree with your comment " you can never give enough to satisfy them", it's funny cause he is just so OK with everyone (mostly family) coming to us but when it comes to going to anyone else's home, NOPE.  I don't think I'll every get use to this, but for now it is OK, I said to him today that my sister in law is busy with another sister that had a fall and didn't want to leave her right now (because I had invited her here) but why don't I go there.  Well my partner pulled the old doesn't she know that you are in a relationship thing again?  Oh god I wish I  could come back at him with something that would make him realize what a stupid thing that is to say, but I just ignore it.  I know he is always going to be like this but it's so hard to leave!  Anyone have any come backs for that comment????

notrightinthehead

one would not think so because I have to go everywhere on my own
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

GettingOOTF

My experience with my BPDxH was that he wasn't happy until I cut contact with every single person in my life. And then he found other ways to make me feel like I wasn't being a good or attentive enough wife.

Someone here described PDs as a bottomless pit of need which totally describes my ex.

Their issues with other people's behavior are their very own issues that they need to work through themselves. They need to change, not force others to change. This is why the pit is bottomless. Only we can fill our own needs.

I look at my ex now in worse shape physically, still under performing professionally and financially and I thank god I'm not with him anymore as I can see how much more needy he would be and how much smaller I'd have had to make my life to make him feel better about his. I don't think there is any kind comeback to that. To him it's not a stupid thing to say. To him he genuinely believes the things he thinks and feels. He's entitled to those beliefs but others don't need to carry them for him.  And to me that is the ultimate challenge of a PD relationship - both parties 100% feel and believe what they do about the other and these are often directly conflicting thoughts and feelings.


Dodo

Beautiful.....notsorightinthehead, I think you are brilliant

and GettingOOTF .... "PDs as a bottomless pit of need, omg isn't that the truth

ScotsLady

I can relate to this a lot as last year I had a landmark birthday which I had spent with my husband, staying in and having a takeaway as he won't go anywhere then saw my parents the weekend after then a couple of week after that made plans to meet up with friends which he knew about.  Well, on the day he wasn't happy with me going and made every attempt to make me stay, but I went out and it was a lovely afternoon.  Anyway since then I have never heard the end of it about how "I abandoned him" that day to meet friends and how when you have a partner in your life you move on and see less of friends and spend more time with them.  I hardly ever see my friends and hadn't see them in months before this birthday.  My husband just doesn't like me doing anything that doesn't involve him as he has no friends of his own.  So if it was me I would totally go on the road trip as now I'm realising that I need to think of me more and see my friends when I want and not feel guilty about doing so because of him.  I so totally agree about the "bottomless pit"  too as nothing is ever good enough for my husband and I feel the life sucked out of me by him at times!  I hope if you decide to go away on your trip that you have a lovely time!   :)