Stay at home is hard

[Fae Greenwood]

I had a long message and then had to shut things down as uNPDh appeared to be coming into the room. With my normal escapes cut off and him not leaving even for brief periods, I am tired and on edge. I haven't been able to relax for weeks.

Anyway, he's discovered that my email had notifications that pop up on the desktop computer. He rarely uses it as he has two computers in his office but now he has to use the desktop near me. He likes to let me know about a new email. There is nothing I'm hiding from him (I know how to open a private account duh) and it's mostly just things I need to unsubscribe but really? I got an email, what did I buy on Amazon, why didn't I ask him first as  he ALWAYS has a better idea (sadly they usually involve more work and a poorer outcome), who was on the phone, why did I answer it if it wasn't someone I knew, why did I mop the kitchen, why aren't I having grilled cheese if I made it for him at his request, why did I purchase a video he didn't like, etc. He has no internal life of his own and I know he's trying to feed off of mine and I am irked that after decades of marriage he has no clue what I like or what I do so he has to constantly question me over and over and over. He may believe it's a sign of affection but it's not, it's control and at this level it's abusive and in truth he knows that. The irony is he is proud of his mom helping to found one of the first programs for abused women. He hasn't hit me like his dad hit his mom, but the accompanying behaviors, the constant attempt at domination and control,  have been a part of our marriage.

I've changed the passwords for my phone and tablet and I'll shut down the open email after he's probed me a bit to see if I take his bait. "Well, I changed the passwords because of grandkids/hackers/security/system made me/aliens told me to do it."

I think I need to buy a lamp to shine in my face during his interrogations about why I bought a lamp.

I am trying a laugh about this but the stress is overwhelming. Just all the damn time.

[notrightinthehead]

You are a strong woman. Sending you a big hug!

[ICantThinkOfAName]

I hate the interrogations!  Ugh... just the dumbest things.  And yeah why did you buy that when I told you to buy the other thing!  I can't even tell him I'm planning to do something as he will have an opinion about how it can be done better and then all heck will break loose if I don't do it exactly as his perfect planning dictated. 

[Fae Greenwood]

Thanks NotRight and ICan't. I do want to be strong feels like death by a thousand cuts.

Our new(ish) desktop had a Windows app that was attached to my email so that's taken care of. If he opens the right browser, my mail is still open but he likely won't understand why new mail stops popping up. Again I'll wait just a bit before shutting access to that email.

The reason this is really upsetting for me is, of course, because of crazy history. After years of him tightly controlling our finances for all the reasons I'm sure can be easily guessed in this group, he finally lost track of what and how he'd paid bills because it wasn't necessary to keep paper records, keeping it all in his head was just fine. We ended up with a big account overdraft and several bounced checks while other accounts had been double paid. He finally dumped it in my lap. It took about six months to access necessary records and get it cleaned up as he'd tossed all paper and I couldn't even contact any vendors except our bank for weeks but I did it. Since most household spending is done by me, I was also able to set up a general budget for the first time. UNPDh doesn't like to be told no even by a spending plan. He doesn't overspend or buy toys or gamble or anything like that, he just doesn't like to have limits. However now I had some type of plan and a lot less stress. We were fine and moving along without too many rages.

Then there was a job change and an insurance change and an income change. I dealt with that okay. I took a part-time job to fill in part of the gap and gave up a bunch of little things. Again, we got through it. However, we bought a poor quality health insurance policy for our college kids with a fairly big deductible.  One of the kids ended up collapsing and was taken to a hospital. It turned out to be mono and kid fully recovered, but we had a hefty bill. Husband wanted kid to contact the hospital and ambulance companies for a reduction but kid was confused about it. I suggested that if it was that important, he should do it (because he's so good at that, so smart, etc.) plus we had purchased the policy and not the kid. He told me that he didn't have time and I should do it. I said no loud and clear, made a copy of the bills for him, and told him to take care of it if he didn't want to pay. Then I stepped back to see what happened.

Since our kid was an adult, all the bills were in their name. Months went by and they started to get calls about payment. We got letters about payment. Husband said he was going to let our kid be on the hook for the money. We had more than enough money to pay this bill. I was appalled that our kid, who is scapegoat2 (scapegoat1 got so low he didn't have fun anymore so he turned on other kid who cried and asked why daddy was mean when they'd had such a good relationship) would go into adulthood with this on their credit record and it was our fault, not the kid's fault. Kid called crying about the stress. I thought f*** this and paid the damn bill.

Both younger kids came home for college break when dear loving dad discovered that I'd paid the bill. I don't know how. He came to my job and "confronted" me in front of customers. I remember being relieved that he didn't go spinning through the store like a nutter but also realized that it was an escalation. By the time I got home, he'd been raging on and off for hours. He blamed kid for drinking or using or doing something stupid that caused the bill (I didn't see anything like that) and gave his free opinion about kid's character. It was awful. Since then, both younger kids have limited time spent on visits home. I've asked them each quietly if there was a connection to that day and both say no but the timing is interesting.

He also informed me that I was not to ever have anything to do with finances ever again as I was clearly incompetent. I knew it was an issue of control but fine, whatever. When I didn't shrink from that, he then declared that I was not to open any bills. In fact, I was not to get the mail. I was not even to look through the mail on the table . HE would let me know if I got mail. Of course he denied the mail part a few days later though he did complain about my "incompetence." He also cost us a fair bit in late fees and again paying incorrectly but I'd set up a lot of automatic payments and he couldn't do too much damage. He clearly wanted me to ask everyday if I go mail like I was a little kid. Nope not happening.

So when I didn't take the bait, he began to "give" me my mail by leaving it on my bedroom dresser or the kitchen counter or on the sofa where I watch television or by the desktop computer. My mail is often in a pile of junk that he "thought you'd like to look at" so I have weird little piles I have to watch out for. I'm pretty sure that he's tossed some items that he should have given me but with the beauty of email and texting, he's limited in the damage he can do. And yes, I have collected the mail and been raged at. I've also not seen mail so not taken care of something and been raged at. Part of me had to admire his well-crafted double bind. This has been going on for six years. I've begun asserting myself quietly with the mail again but damn, it annoying.

So the thought that he's going to be after me with the email too is a real pisser.

[notrightinthehead]

Fae, nobody should have to live like this.

[1footouttadefog]

Its about control and forcing you to be attentive to him. 

They want to occupy your mind space.  They also tend to objectify others and like to "push buttons" to get a response.  Like winding a jack in the box or pulling a string on one of those toys that makes assorted animal sounds.

I would make a space of your own another room etc and set a boundary that there are certain hours a day you are off duty.

[11JB68]

I can relate to all of this. The nagging, questioning, and the money/control issues. And yes more exhausting with covid, staying home!

[blacksheep7]

Quote: Its about control and forcing you to be attentive to him.   

My gf husband

I'm sorry as I know that it's very exhausting.

take care