Trying to figure out if my ex has npd (very new here)

Started by Zimy, May 12, 2020, 05:27:25 PM

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Zimy

Hi, all.
So I am very new to this but I'm in a constant battle with myself everyday. I'm looking for some help because I have no where else to go.

I will make this as short as possible. I have dated a guy off and on for six years now. We recently split up because he wanted to try and meet someone new. I was devastated but he came back two weeks later. Even more recently (3 weeks ago) we broke up again. This time it was me who left him. I left because he wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say without fighting with me! I tried very hard to fix things things but he was so mad at me he just yelled and told me to move on.

He was great when we first met but I did soon realize he was an addict to several things. He got very mean and would hurt me mentally and physically. Not to mention most of the time he was in and out of jail/prison. I tried everything to help him.

After he was released this last time he got the help he needed and got clean. This is when I really started to have hope for us. Like I said though we recently broke up and I can't help but feel like it's my fault. In my mind I was always there for him but maybe I could've done more. We had just bought a house a few days before we broke up and we have a son together. He always said he loved me no matter what and would never hurt me. Although he cheated several times he always begged for forgiveness!

I could go on and on but what I'm really looking for here is just some help to rest my mind. I'm beating myself up constantly and I've even considered that maybe I have narsassistic personality disorder! I have all the information I just can't seem to piece it all together on my own.

I just don't understand how him and I could face so much together to finally get away from it just for him to leave.

If you took the time to read this thank you. I appreciate it more than you know...

Edit: I forgot to mention that while we were still together he was seeing someone else. He still refuses to tell me the truth. The moment we broke up he was with her and just forgot about our son and I.

freedom77

Hi Zimy,
Welcome to this site, it's helped me a lot.
I am not qualified to diagnose people, but I highly doubt you are a narcissist.

A narcissist doesn't spend years trying to rescue someone, let alone someone who appears to have zero appreciation for the efforts.

I've been in one-sided, abusive relationships in the past, and what I learned is people really don't change who they are on the inside. Our true self can get covered up with addiction, trauma, and sometimes we lose who we are, but who we really are never really changes. It's always there...for better or for worse.

You sound like a good and caring person, that won't change. Your ex sounds like a selfish opportunist. And even though he got clean, if that's who he really is, getting clean and straight, won't change that inner self.

If his natural inclination is to lie, cheat, think only of his own desires...sobriety can't fix that. My father was like that. He was what we call a "dry drunk". Getting sober and staying out of trouble, was all well and good, and certainly cut down his list of troubles, but he still was what he always was...mean, abusive, and selfish.

If you want my advice, maybe your ex is right, maybe you should forget him and move on. Live your best life for you and your son. Take time to focus on YOU for a change.

treesgrowslowly

Hi Zimy,

Welcome to this site.

You have been through lots. If you read up on gaslighting and love bombing you will see that these behaviours are ways that abusive people use. They do these things in the relationships where they want to feel powerful and in control.

Some sessions with a counsellor would really help you to see that the self doubt you feel is understandable after going through the cycle of abuse multiple times over the last few years.

A counsellor can help you talk about the ways you will assert boundaries so that you can feel more at peace in your life even if you have some contact with him due to your son.

People can say they love us but when they are emotionally stunted and or narcissistic, they actually create really painful experiences for the people in their lives. My guess is that he says a lot of things to pull you in and then gets so angry that he seems like a completely different person from the one who made the promises moments before. In making those promises the abuser is actually already setting the stage for his explosive part of the cycle of abuse. because if he is unable to regulate the emotions, then the promises he makes are actually a big part of the cycle of his abuse.

They don't see that they are doing this. ...and they pull you into this misery.

Unfortunately this doesn't change until they go into treatment and if he is truly an NPD he is unlikely to respond to the treatment, just based on what I have learned about NPD. 

Take care of yourself and your son. Work on staying Out of the FOG.

Trees