Just a guy trying to figure out life

[heron]

Wanted to say hi, hoping to get some advice here at some point. I have been married for 5 years, 2 kids, with a DW I believe to be a (high-functioning, mild) uBP/EDD. From the beginning of the relationship (which got serious rapidly - living together in 3 months) she had mood swings and many triggers that were strange to me, lots of fights, cycles of rage (sometimes with name-calling / cursing / verbal abuse) followed by "honeymoon periods" where she's extremely nice, cheery, everything is fine, until day or weeks or (occasionally and nice when it happens) months later when it happens again.

So from the top 100 traits & behaviors, things that I see commonly include Abusive Cycle, Always/Ever, Anger, Blaming ("Everything bad about my life is your fault"), Circular Conversations, Denial or Dissociation (after a rage she will say either "that never happened", or it's my fault, anyone else would have done the same, I can't tell if she's lying or genuinely doesn't remember), Fear of Abandonment, Mood Swings, Name-Calling (she's called me more names during every year of our relationship than my whole life prior), Normalizing, Push-Pull, Raging, Selective Competence (she's incredibly competent, but in abandonment situations like if I step away at a social event she'll suddenly act as if she has the capacities of a child), Shaming ("You are a horrible person who has made my life a nightmare."), Testing ("You need to quit your job so those women don't flirt with you.")

I have my own issues as well, and I think I somewhat fit a couple of the PD descriptions. I find it really valuable to read about other people with similarly strange personalities and problems to me. My DW, who grew up with an alcoholic, uPD dad, and built her identity around getting totally away from that, is totally allergic to any kind of amateur diagnosis of anything that sounds the slightist bit "weird" or bad.

For years I exercised Denial and Selective Amnesia to forget the rages and pretend, in between, that we had a normal relationship, as did she. We just tried to enjoy the good times. Over time, both of us have built up a lot of anger & frustration & scars that make the marriage challenging. For me, it's been very important to my own healing & growth to stop denying these regular, awful, crazy interactions ("She screamed at me and our kid for an hour because we ate the last banana"), stop letting her deny or bury them, learn to trust my own memories and feelings, realize that I deserve to be treated better, work through my own fears of abandonment/failure that prevented me from every considering leaving.

I work on boundaries, like I sometimes walk out of Rages, Blames, and Circular Conversations & make it clear I'm not willing to be talked to like that anymore. (She spins it as "I'm not willing to listen to her say things I disagree with or don't want to hear", whereas to me it's about not being spoken to abusively and about her anger level and whether it seems like we have a chance to have a productive conversation).

In general, somthing frustrating is that these changes seem to make our relationship worse, while I hoped they would help things. Like, it's so much harder for me to enjoy the good times or relax with her now that I have open eyes about these recurring patterns. How can I enjoy sitting on the porch and sipping a glass of wine as the crickets chirp, next to the person who has chased me out of the house screaming at the top of her lungs? And her reaction to my new standards isn't "changing her behavior or perspective or respecting me more", instead it's threatening to divorce me even more often than she used to.

Or, say, she wants me to fix my Chronic Broken Promises, so I work on that and realize one reason is she takes things as a "promise" when all we did was discuss them as a possibility (which she of course completely discounts and disagrees with 100%). And another reason is that during rages I sometimes agree to ridiculous things ("You will always make the kitchen completely clean immediately after use, no matter if you are watching kids, working, on your way out the door, etc.") and then I (naturally) don't do those ridiculous things. This is something I can fix myself, without her cooperation, by avoiding those rages and by learning not to make promises when I'm being yelled at (or actually considering whether it's a promise I can keep). So, I have worked on this lately, and I tell it to her when it comes up ("I would have to think about that, I'm not going to make promises I don't mean anymore to stop you from being mad at me"), and instead of seeing me as more trustworthy (my dumb hope), she seems to hate that she lost a tool for control & blame.

Anyway, not really sure what to ask here. one think I have is about the Blaming article and validation vs. boundaries. I am very invalidating, it's part of my personality to be disagreeable, especially if I feel blamed or attacked at all which of course is usually around hear. I've had some frends and therapists (low to medium PD experience) who think that validation is the answer, that if I validated and empathized (even when being blamed/criticized/falsely accused), it would stop the escalation and prevent all the worst fights. But when I read about stopping abuse, or some of the material here, its more about just recognizing and getting out of those situations. I can see why she'd really like validation, and it would be good for me to practice, but it also feels like participating in dumping on myself, and it's much easier and more natural to me to learn to just say no to those interactions. Let her figure out how to discuss trigger topics (or not). But then again maybe I'm making an excuse to not push myself. I don't know. Where is the line between needed, valuable validation that defuses a situation, and being true to yourself, what you believe, and not letting yourself be wrongfully blamed because someone has issues and always blames those around them?

[bloomie]

Hi Heron - Welcome to Out of the FOG. You have some great insights and questions in your post. Thank you for sharing a bit of what you are working through in your marriage and within yourself. I am glad you have reached out for support as you find the best path forward.

The toolbox is a place to gather strategies and coping skills. We have a board called Committed to Working on it that would be a good place to visit and join in the conversations taking place there and also a board called Working on Us where we talk about the behaviors we may exhibit that are self-limiting or creating issues in our lives.

It sounds like communication has broken down in your relationship with an atmosphere of underlying risk always in the background. Living that way can take a huge toll. I am so sorry your wife's behaviors are so often unsettling and uncertain for you and your children.

It is not uncommon, in my experience, for things to get worse before they get better when we begin to set reasonable boundaries with consequences around unacceptable behaviors. A good book that has been a real help to me is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Marriage counseling and individual therapy have been so helpful in my own life and marriage when things have gotten really bogged down with each of us needing to work through our issues together and separately. We are the better for having reached out for support and help in untangling the knots we had made in our communication patterns.

Keep coming back and sharing on the boards where you will find a community of people who understand and who will support you in a way that can lighten a heavy load.

[heron]

It sounds like communication has broken down in your relationship with an atmosphere of underlying risk always in the background. Living that way can take a huge toll. I am so sorry your wife's behaviors are so often unsettling and uncertain for you and your children.

Yes, thanks for listening.

It is not uncommon, in my experience, for things to get worse before they get better when we begin to set reasonable boundaries with consequences around unacceptable behaviors. A good book that has been a real help to me is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. 

It's good to know that it's not uncommon for things to get worse before better. I can understand the dynamics mentally, how it is destabilizing to break covert contracts and stop accepting behavior you had been before. It's just really hard for me to feel in my heart my wife isn't my enemy when she is reacting so negatively to what I see as basic healthy changes like sobriety and doing work I'm proud of.

Keep coming back and sharing on the boards where you will find a community of people who understand and who will support you in a way that can lighten a heavy load.

Will do!

[Haiiro Ishi]

I can empathize with a lot of what you posted. I too have stopped being able to enjoy the good times. I never know what will happen next and im always on edge, thinking that she is about to explode. I have to remind myself that life is short and I should enjoy the moment, especially with my daughter. I even try to enjoy time with my wife when she is being nice to me, even if it's a ploy.

I admire the fact that you admit you have your own problems. It sounds like you are working hard to change your behaviours too which is a really positive thing.

I wish you all the best.