New here

[AllIsBright]

Hello, just broke up with DP boyfriend.  Since we are in same social circle, trying to figure out best way to go forward.  He is very uncomfortable (miserable) with the break.  Not sure what/how to discuss things with him or even if I should.  Hoping to learn from and go forward enjoying my freedom.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group allisbright,

welcome to the first days of your new freedom! i'm glad you are reaching out for support, and as you move forward, how your ex handled things when you were together may be the best hint to how he will act moving forward as you travel in that same social circle.  when you are ready to share more we are listening- so we can help you find the best board that fits your situation-   i too ended up looking for support/ resources after breaking up with a friendship, but i ended up exploring more about my relationship with my mother/ childhood trauma which helped me from doing a lather, rise, repeat move with someone just like my ex......

hope to hear from you soon-

[AllIsBright]

Thanks, I think my ex has uDPD, dependent personality disorder.  We met after both of us lost our spouses.  We have a lot of shared interests.  Got along very well.  Good friends. 

He has a Master's degree and yet has low ambition/sense of direction.  He is very bright and capable when he wants to be.  I think he finds it scary to think of building a career, that and poor esteem, even though talented and he is well liked.

He was spending a lot of time at my place.  It started to feel suffocating.  We agreed to seek counseling but he insisted on picking a counselor he knew.  After falling into a circular conversation about that, I asked for some time apart. 

I care for him and while I am not responsible for him, I do recognize that it is bewildering, esp. if he is unaware of possible PD (I don't know for sure but his spouse supported him for 20 yrs.  Her family and friends had a hard time with that, there is more but I'm trying to keep it short)  I have friends and support.  There are mutual friends that are concerned.  The value of this forum is that you all get it.  It is hard to discuss with people that are unfamiliar with PD, easy for them to brush off (he is very charming) but living with it is heavy, exhausting and sad.  So that is where I am.  I am in contact with him.  If possible I want to remain constant as a friend but need help navigating that since this is new for me.

[Starboard Song]

Adding my welcome to you.

Those are difficult waters. Remember, as you navigate them, that this is a person who has his own stuff, and that his stuff is not your stuff. That is, you aren't responsible for his choices and happiness, only for your own choices and your own happiness. You can be kind and decent and loving without being beholden to someone.

Be good. Be strong.

[xredshoesx]

Thanks for the context allisbright-

I think that even though you are not together-together, that the Committed to Working On It part of the forum may be the most helpful for you based on what you've shared.  the posters there are working on the balance between supporting the person they deeply care about while still learning how to set/ maintain the boundaries they need to have to make sure they are not staying enmeshed and letting that loved one depend on them too much.  the other relationship forum is more about moving on and reclaiming your sense of self while in the process of separating/ divorcing, and it's not often a member wants to stay in contact, just in a non-romantic way. 

of course you can post in the area that works best for you- just thinking of some jumping in spots-

take care and see you on the boards