My parents turned me into a fictional character and "killed" the real me

[Maxtrem]

It has always deeply pissed me off that I was expected to fit into a mold. Squeezing into that child sized mold ensured my BPDmother received praise for a well groomed, well spoken, polite child/doll.  As an adult I resented still being smoothed, corrected, and prompted for a desired response.  My wedding is a perfect example.  At my reception my BPDm chased me around the room closely monitoring how much champagne I'd consumed (1 glass).  Her frenemies and family were in town for the gala. Mustn't let BeanerJane's cheeks pinken, her shoes be kicked off under the table, or a boisterous laugh escape!  She took a CD of pre-chosen music to the DJ and had him turn off the list of top 40 hits people were dancing to.  My own wedding was co-opted to display her taste and throughout the day I was tweaked and admonished.  I wish in retrospect that we'd eloped or had a small beach-side wedding in the Bahamas.  At least I would've enjoyed it.

I'm really sorry you had to go through that on your wedding day! My mother seems quite similar to yours and I recently realized that my uBPDM has a hard time not being the center of attention (egocentricity), maybe it's the same for your mother. It was your day and your husband's day, you were the center of attention for everyone, but she decided to impose herself and of course you couldn't refuse, otherwise she would surely have ruined everything and would have had no remorse for doing so besides putting the blame on you! I find it hard to have understood that this is a character that my parents loved, not a child and I feel that the only person who really loved me for who I am is my girlfriend. 

[Maxtrem]

Here is a quote from a French psychologist (Bernard Lempert, 1989) that I have translated as best I could: "When tyranny is domestic and individual despair, death achieves its end: the feeling of not being. Since one cannot socially kill the child in his body and since one needs a legal cover - in order to keep a good self-image, which is the end of the end of hypocrisy - one organizes a psychic murder: to make the child be nothing. Here we find a constant: no trace, no blood, no corpse. The dead is alive and everything is normal."

[Konoha]

I feel very sorry that you are in such a period now. I know what it means, I have never had a good relationship with my parents. You just have to pass over it and no advice can help you with that, my opinion.

[catta]

Maxtrem, I read your post after joining the forum a few days ago and have been thinking about it ever since. Your words reflect a lot of what I feel and echo things that come up weekly in my group therapy (where most people come from families with toxic dynamics, though not all PD families.) I guess I just want to tell you that you aren't alone. I think many people struggle with their identity-- who they were, who they could have been with supportive parents, and who they are now.

There is hope. I let my parents pick my college major because I could never see any future for myself. I spent most of my childhood, teenage years, and 20s wishing I would die. The major they chose led me into a career path that made me incredibly unhappy. Finally, when I was at my most miserable with my job (waking up with dizzying stomach cramps every morning, crying after work every day, etc.), my parents told me I should be "grateful to have a job" and to suck it up. I won't go into any identifying details, but the circumstances of my education, skills, and that particular job would lead most people to advise me otherwise.

I felt totally trapped. There was nowhere to go and still be the person they were trying to force me to be. I ended up quitting my entire career and starting a new one (which also meant losing everything about my life that gave me security: ending a long-term relationship, selling most of the things I owned, moving across the country, subletting and living out of a suitcase, being semi-employed for 6 months) BUT I'm here on the other side of it to tell you that it made my life better than I could ever imagine. I was 30 when I did this. You can make it happen, too. I don't think it's ever too late.

Obviously, I still struggle with the narcissistic abuse I endured growing up, but I now feel like I have the ability to grow, learn how to manage my anxiety and depression, and experience happiness spite of it. I hope you can figure out what you want your life to be like and get on the path toward it. It does take work and courage but it is worth it.

[BrightMoon]

"In short, I meet the demands rather than taking the risk of being heard."

That resonates with me. Im scared to speak out to them after all this time. They always acted like they knew my every thought and urge and reason-they always got it wrong. They never took time to get to know me, and that is something that breaks my heart to this day.