When is letting them leave the right thing, vs. the easy way out?

[heron]

During this virus period I have made a lot of changes to become less codependent (among other things). I am sober for months, doing therapy, exercise, meditation, learning that it's ok to sometimes put myself first and that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness, even my wife's. I am taking some time each week to take care of myself instead of constantly giving in to her endless requests for help.

As part of this process, I told my uPDw clearly and strongly, for the first time, that I would no longer tolerate verbal abuse. That respecting myself enough to not drink goes hand-in-hand with not staying in an abusive interaction.

The next day she took our kids and went to stay with family for a week as a sort of trial separation. Since then she has initiated divorce conversations with attorneys and is in the process of getting an apartment. Threats/statements of breakup/divorce have been common throughout our relationship but these steps are new. She says the reason is me putting myself & my job first, breaking promises I made to work the minimum (true), that she doesn't like my industry which sometimes requires evening calls or travel, that she can't trust me, that I broke promises about how much I would make (true) - some of this is understandable but very little of it has changed in the last year, so...doesn't add up.

I suspect the verbal abuse boundary is the primary emotional driver - ie projection (I'm saying she's a bad partner, therefore I'm a bad partner), distraction (maybe if she talks up my shortcomings, her flaws won't be noticed), escape (if she leaves, she won't have to face her behavior).

After much reflection I decided that based on my commitment, my views on marriage and family, the fact that she was always like this (ie no surprise change along the way - I lied to myself about how she was and whether I could handle it, but she never showed a false self), and my wanting to live with my children, that I would stay and try to improve things. That I would work hard to be a better person including listening to her and working on my own issues (including my verbal abuse), and including my boundaries and limits, because those are good for me regardless. And see what happens - if we can turn the dynamic around.

But it's gotten harder for me to emotionally handle the uncertainty as she switches back and forth day by day about whether she's leaving. And I wonder if I'm being an idiot and believing in imagination over reality as I often do and I should be letting her go and taking this opportunity to free myself from PD-land. She's always been one to accumulate bitterness, grudges, resentment, so it may be foolish for me to expect she can forgive and let go. Her regular periodic rages and blamefests always wiped out a lot of my joy in the relationship from her being so perfect the rest of the time, and while we no longer have intense fights (because of boundaries replacing JADE), there are a lot more of the negative/complaining/blame interactions and it's hard to see how that would change or how I could enjoy a relationship with so much negativity.

I guess I'm looking for advice about what to do or what to read or how to unilaterally move us towards healing in a way that's acceptable to a uPD spouse (ie she'll never accept any modality or plan that includes a diagnosis or blames her for anything including verbal abuse). I've read "Too good to leave to bad to stay", Eggshells, Boundaries in Marriage (amazing affirmation of my intuition that you have to be individuals first), several abuse books, and a lot of mainstream relationship books. My ideal kind of advice or source is one that gives me actions that will either make the relationship healthier or end it, because that's good either way, it's staying in a dysfunctional marriage that's the worst. So for example, I've really liked reading books on how to recognize abuse and say "Stop!" (then walk away if they continue abuse), because either it works to curtail abuse, or they are abusing over your clear boundaries and that's time for farewell.

Maybe it's as simple as saying no to abuse & FOG and blame, and taking care of myself, and continuing to see what happens. I don't know. It's just getting harder for me to handle the drama and the push/pull and I'm trying to learn to notice what I can't handle and act instead of fooling myself that I'll be fine and I can handle anything. Sorry this was so long and thanks for listening.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Congrats on the self-improvement!  Hard work.  I had a discussion once with my uOCPDh that finally stuck with me.  I told him that I would no longer make assumptions about his intentions and that I would take whatever he said at face value.  I told him I wanted him to do this for me as well.  This took the hard emotional work off me.  Also if I did have passive aggressive tendencies, it made me rethink it.  I didn't have to believe what he said, if he said he would leave.  I just held him to his word.  Ok I'm going to start behaving as if it were true and hold him accountable for what he said.  This also kept my head out of the over analyzing game.  In a way I think it was like a boundary.  I no longer allowed his wishy washy way of treating me be open to interpretation.  No secret message no need to interpret just take it at face value.  That way they have to face the consequences of their actions.  Don't say it if you don't mean it kind of thing.

I know that's not a great way to explain it.  But hopefully it is something you might be able to use.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this and being threatened with divorce or leaving is a hard thing to manage.

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like you are doing your part.

Changing bad habits taking an honest look at your own negative contributions to the situation, being honest about who she really is, owning your failures and how they disappointed etc etc.

You can only change you in the end.  You can also change or set boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated.

In the end it will be worth it whether the relationship makes ot or not because you will have the knowledge that you did your part.

I do understand from experience that it is. hard to be all in emotionally when the other side of the relationship is unstable or not all in etc. 

Just keep on giving your best until eother things improve enough to stay or you decide you cannot. 

[notrightinthehead]

heron, congratulations on all the work you have done on yourself! It seems that you have sucessfully changed some unhealthy behaviours and that you are  self aware. 
It seems your wife is unhappy with the changes in you - but I suspect she was unhappy with you before as well. So that has remained a constant and I hope for you that you feel better now than before; so while you can do nothing to make her feel better you can do a lot  for your own growth.

In the last months I have watched Tim Fletcher's talks on youtube  a lot and found them helpful. I found the earlier ones on complex trauma and recovery good, his recent ones are mostly a list of symptoms and not helpful for me.

Also keep on posting and reading here. You will find that this is a good place for self reflection, encouragement, and information and it will help you to stay on your path of recovery.