They are really against you being happy

Mikeb44 · May 13, 2020, 04:05:51 PM

So I am back here with some new thoughts that I wanted to share and open to feedback or interpretation.

this whole quarantine thing has caused massive amounts of necessary turmoil all wrapped around everything that is perceived that I do wrong around the house or with our son. My wPD also brings up all of the things in my past, even before I knew her. even more now that she is running out of things to pull me down with.

Here is where my realization kicked in that she doesnt want me happy. When things tend to calm down a bit in the roller coaster ride of these events, I have noticed when I start to recover she notices it and tries to bring it back down. I have been getting better at seeing this before she traps me but it is still exhausting constantly having to be on guard.

I got job interview out of hte blue recently and have been doing well in the multple rounds. Because this has made me feel a little accomplished knowing that I am not stuck in my job currently forever eve in this climate, she has made a point to bash the job I am interviewing for and tell me I will never make it, dont get my hopes up or it wont pay as well and I wont want it.

So I put this out here, I need to do what is right for me keeping in mind I wont threaten my families comfortably. How do I make this decision and should I expect back lash no matter what decision II make?

GettingOOTF · May 13, 2020, 04:36:28 PM

This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations.

If you don't get the job/get it and decide not to take it it will be proof of your "failure", if you do take it there will be something else. I'd do what I felt was best for my future.

I used to think my BPDxH didn't want me to be happy. It wasn't that. It was that any success or happiness I had he saw as a threat. That I'd decide to better myself and leave so he kept trying to hold me back to keep me with him. I ultimately chose to leave and am now very happy and successful professionally.

Good luck.

Mikeb44 · May 13, 2020, 10:31:35 PM

Can I ask what was that urge to leave? What was the feeling you had that made you actually do it?

I am just trying to understand that feeling because I keep getting pulled into her disillusion and I don't know what is real and what is not.

GettingOOTF · May 14, 2020, 05:03:38 AM

I would go to sleep every night praying I wouldn't wake up. One day I realized that was no way to live and that I was in charge of finding my own happiness. I realized that I couldn't change him and it wasn't worth any more of my effort.

I've posted about him here, his life is exactly the same as when we were married. Mine is totally different.

Leaving is hard but for me staying was harder. They do not change. You simply get better at accepting the life you need to live to be with them.

Haiiro Ishi · May 14, 2020, 05:54:32 AM

Congratulations on the job interview, its not easy in this day and age to get one.

I think you have to ignore what your partner is saying. Follow your gut and what you think is best for you and your son. At the end of the day, it's your job.

I don't tell my wife much about my career these days for the same reason. She would only belittle my decisions and abilities. Overly negative critism never helps anyone.

Good luck

BeautifulCrazy · May 14, 2020, 09:51:36 AM

You have to be yourself and take care of yourself ahead of the relationship. Always.

tragedy or hope · May 14, 2020, 11:16:05 AM

I think your son/children are the #1 priority. If taking a new job will bring better days for your children, that would be a very good reason. pd people need to get their fix. you are an easy target. can you perceive her as someone screaming out of a mental ward window, just delirious?

You are her target because she sees you as an easy one to aim at. The hardest thing to digest is that they love themselves by hating on others. It's all they need to do. Keeping your head spinning leaves her in control of you.

When she approaches, see her mentally with a big hook in her hand... waiting to pull you into her misery. Listen and watch, it will be there. Walk away, keep quiet, nod, tell her you see her having a bad day or a bad feeling at the moment...(this might incite her). The idea is that you do whatever you have to do to not hear her or see her as normal or someone you can be normal with.

We love people who can't love us. That's just the way it is if we stay. We are loveable, and if you look hard enough, she is too or you would not be with her. Your son needs your sanity, give it to him.

Mikeb44 · May 14, 2020, 07:40:15 PM

This is all great advice and support. Much appreciated.

I am finally working with a therapist that specializes in PD so hoping they can provide me more of what I am hearing here on a consistent basis. this whole stuck at home thing has definitely exacerbated the whole thing and shown what was already happening just on a heighten level. I am emotionally taxed and really don't have the will too fight it anymore. the questions I am still posing to myself is if its even worth staying just for my son to have a mother but it gets grayer every day on what the answer is. that is something I need to get to eventually.

For the time being I am following this track and job and letting myself feel good about it even if she hates it.

I guess it is true, the challenges in life really are the best opportunities to grow as a person.