Ex-Husband/abuser locks himself in his room during his parenting time

[MSW2020]

My ex husband is beginning to use his abuse and control behaviors against my 10 yo daughter. We are divorced 5 years and share 50/50 custody. When she is at his house and he gets mad at her, he locks himself in his room and she is on her own. He has also left the house and she called me in tears, hysterical bc she was so upset that he got so mad at her he left her in the house alone, she was scared. Is this neglect? Should she call the police when that happens? Should I call CPS?

[GettingOOTF]

I would call the police when she has been left alone and is distraught. I know someone this happened to and that was my advice to her. He would go out and leave the young kids alone. Once they tried to cook dinner and one of them burned themselves.

I'm sorry this is happening. It's awful for your daughter and for you to have to witness it. I'm sure it triggers feelings of when you were abused by him.

[Penny Lane]

Hi there and welcome to the forum! Sorry you had to be here, but it does sound like you're in the right place.

My short answer is, yes, at minimum your daughter should learn how to call 911 if her dad leaves her alone and she's scared. I would say it sure sounds like neglect to me. But in the eyes of the law I think it depends how long it's lasting for - is it 15 minutes or a whole day? The line for what is neglect falls somewhere in the middle of that. No matter what, it's not OK that your ex is acting abusively toward your daughter. I want to remind you that you can't control his actions, only your own. So whatever you decide to do, this is not your fault - it's his for choosing to behave this way toward your daughter.

So, what do you do? Bigger picture, what we have found from years of trial and error is that there are basically two ways to rectify problems that the PD parent creates. One is to teach the kid(s) skills to mitigate the problem. The other is to involve the authorities, whether it be police or courts.

I almost always lean toward starting with teaching the kids skills. I would say that teaching her to call 911 counts as this. Teaching her how to care for herself, more than a typical 10 year old would know how to do, like how to feed herself with meals that don't require the oven and to make sure the door is locked and she doesn't open it for strangers. What to do in case of a fire - all kids should know this anyway but more broadly than just a fire drill at your house. You can also teach her emotional skills for what to do if he locks himself in his room - like medium chill, to go in her room and entertain herself, teach her to know that his behavior isn't OK and it isn't her fault.

All that being said, the problem with this situation is that you can't really teach your way out of it - the most mature 10 year old can't care for herself for an extended period of time. And the situation could lead to real harm, as GettingOOTF noted.

So that leads you to involving the authorities. I will say that it's not necessarily a silver bullet for problems. If you want your daughter to get picked up and brought to your house, the police can probably do that - but they won't solve the problem long-term. If you want him to stop leaving her and going somewhere else, maybe court is your best option but it won't solve the immediate problem of a hysterical child who is totally unsupervised. CPS might step in, or they might not (in my state there is a VERY high threshold for when they would step in), and it might be a bigger can of worms than you expect - or they might find that he's abusive and take steps to resolve it. I guess what I would say is try to figure out what outcome you want and be strategic about how you go about pursuing it.

I also think it matters how egregious this will look to an outsider and to what degree he will be able to explain his way out of it. That goes back to, how often does this happen and for how long does it last? Your ex going into his room for 15 minutes isn't going to be seen as a huge problem, but locking his daughter out through lunch and dinner more so. If he's leaving to go to the store and coming right back occasionally I don't see the authorities intervening, but if he's gone for hours every day and she doesn't know when to expect him, they're much more likely to act. So keep that in mind too as you're deciding what to do next. You DO NOT want to look like you're crying wolf, because that could inhibit your ability to get them to act next time. If this has only happened once, you might want to wait until you can show that it's a pattern. Even though you are 100% right and this is a problem, that does not mean that the best course of action is to always involve the authorities. You just have to make the best decision you can with the facts that you have.

Depending on a lot of factors like your current court order, level of communication and willingness to engage in a pointless conversation with an abusive ex, I would also recommend documenting your concern to him. There is a possibility that this or another issue will escalate to the point where you HAVE to intervene immediately. Like he's gone all weekend and you have to pick up your daughter or file an emergency motion. At that point, it will be very helpful to have documentation that you've raised this concern with him.

What that could look like is a BIFF message that states 1. the problem and 2. what you're going to do.

"Hi (ex),
I'm writing to you because (daughter) has called me (number) times, upset because you have locked her in her room or left her alone in the house. (Add details here - amount of time/she doesn't know when you're coming back/you yelled at her and slammed the door which scared her etc.) She is not old enough to be left alone for long periods of time. The next time she calls me because she's unsupervised, I plan to pick her up and bring her to my house, and you can retrieve her when you've decided to come home."

Three things about this. 1. There is a high potential for him to retaliate against her. If you think he might, say, take away her phone before he leaves next time, leaving her more helpless, don't send the message unless you can find a way to let him know that you know he's doing this without giving away that your daughter told you. 2. That last sentence is an example. I think in our situation it would escalate things for the kids rather than resolving anything. It might work if you have primary custody and more decision-making power. Otherwise you can leave off the sentence or tell him a different course of action you might take (like calling the police if she's unsupervised). The key is to say what you will do and then follow through with it. Definitely don't make an empty threat, if you're not sure yet what you would do or you have decided not to intervene, leave that sentence off. 3. DH has found that messages that explicitly ask his ex to do something are extremely ineffective - if anything she's less likely to do it. More successful is "I hope you will make sure to get a sitter when you leave the house going forward." Better is "Daughter needs to be supervised at all time." Best is not suggesting any specific course of action (it should be obvious anyway) and simply stating what you are going to do going forward.

Remember that if you do send this message you're not really writing to him, you're writing for a judge to see it down the line. Your ex will hate this and will probably blow up at you. That's OK because you've already accomplished your goal - to get in writing that you've alerted him to the fact that this is a major problem. In fact if you do go to court a blowup by him is better evidence for you.

I'm sorry, I wish there was that silver bullet. I hope you can either find someone to intervene or your ex reins in his bad behavior for awhile, at least until she's old enough to be better able to deal with it. In the meantime big hugs, you are in such a tough spot (we all know, really!) and you are doing your best.

[Findingmyvoice]

MSW,
My exBPDw does the same, she locks herself in a room when she is upset with the kids.
In my case I would prefer this to the alternative which is unleashing her anger on them.

Personality disordered people often have a low tolerance for discomfort and limited coping mechanisms.
I think this is my ex's way of coping.  She knows she is upset and out of control so she isolates herself to prevent from escalating and doing additional harm.

My kids are a bit older than yours, so they are ok with being alone most times. Plus we have 3 kids so they have each other.
She has also left for long periods of time to go on dates or go out with friends when kids are in her care.
I don't like that she does this but I didn't ever feel that this behavior was endangering them.  On the spectrum of her behavior this was on the least harmful end.

Penny Lane  is correct, and offers excellent advice.
it is difficult to get help from authorities. There has to be a blatant and provable breach of the law before any action is taken.
We had children's services involved in our case and I reached out to the case worker multiple times with little or no response.

I focused my efforts on teaching my kids how to deal with her.  How to de-escalate situations, how to protect themselves, who to call for help and when.
I would suggest making sure your daughter has a way to contact you.  If he takes her communication away, try to find a trusted neighbor that she can go to for help as a backup, build her support network.

Talk to a lawyer about this, my lawyer advised me that no judge would enforce a breach of a parenting order if the child was in potential danger.
He advised that I could just go pick the kids up if they were in danger and as long as it was a legitimate reason there should be no problem.
You may want to have a friend go with you though, my ex would make wild accusations and it helps to have someone else to witness the situation.

I did pick up my daughter on two occasions when things were out of control and both times my ex involved the lawyers and threatened to take me to court for violating the parenting order.
She never did though.  i expect she didn't want to expose her behavior that resulted in me having to come pick up my daughter.

[Penny Lane]

FMV is very wise as usual and it made me think - definitely make sure she has your phone number memorized even though it's in her phone. That was even if he takes away her phone she can has a way to contact you, even if it's going to the neighbor's house and asking them to call you.

[MSW2020]

Wow. thank you all. that was all awesome advice. I agree with all of it. We've been divorced 5 years so this is not new, although pre-puberty is causing more demands on my ex who cannot handle DD's increasing emotional sensitivity (he could never handle my PMS either). My DD is also becoming more sensitive than she ever was, and she was a HIGH-needs baby.

Findingmyvoice - what you said is exactly what my ex is doing and did to me. When he wasn't leaving or locking himself in his room he got physically violent. He is uNPD/uBPD and has no coping skills other than substance misuse and aggression. So I would prefer what he is doing, but DD is so hurt by it and so sad and scared. I feel terrible I have given her this father who is hurting her emotionally and setting her up for this kind of model for relationships with men.

PennyLane - I am concerned about retaliation against DD so I will not address this directly with him, but I am working with DD to manage her emotions. EX knows he cannot take away her phone (I would file for contempt) and she is calling me more when this happens. Tonight he got mad at her for nothing and he wouldn't put her to bed or tell her a story. She was sent to her room to put herself to bed, and she gets sad and lonely. She called me and I read her 2 chapters until she fell asleep.

Out of the FOG - DD knows how to call 911 and use the side buttons on her phone to call police. I'm trying to teach her when she would need to do that - specific behaviors. I'm also trying to teach her when to call me or reach out for other support before he gets to the point when she would need to call the police. We are documenting everything in a journal. This is therapeutic for DD and it tracks the patterns.

[Findingmyvoice]

I was talking with some new friends over the weekend and came a cross a similar situation.
I won't share too many details because it's second hand information.

But basically the same thing happened.  Her 10 and 12 year old boys needed help in the middle of the night, ucovertNPD dad was not available and the kids were basically alone in a house with strangers.
As a parent its scary and I can't imagine what it would be like for the kids.

My GF and I discussed the situation a bit and came to the same conclusion that the most important thing is for the child to have a way to contact someone they trust.
Even if you can just talk them through it over the phone, that is helpful to the child.  I did this with my daughters many times.

In the case of this new friend, her ex is very protective of his image and will back down at the threat of being exposed.
In fact, most narcs are very concerned with their public image.  She is able to use it to her advantage and just put a stop to the unsupervised overnight visits, he doesn't want anyone knowing that he was neglecting his boys.

I'm glad that you can support your daughter over the phone, and that he would not take her phone away.  That is a huge comfort.
Unfortunately for you and your daughter, dealing with your ex that may have a personality disorder means that he can't provide empathy or support in the way a normal person would.
Your daughter has to deal with hurt, sadness and disappointment and you have to step in to provide that support.
You are doing the best you can in the situation.  Remember that you didn't choose for him to treat her this way.  You didn't cause him to be disordered. You also can't tell the future.

[vijaykumari]

My ex would leave my 13 year old at his girlfriend's house alone while they went out for hours.  It was awful.  I had to take a circuitous route with this and switch around visitation without directly confronting the actual problem, just so she would be with me when this was going to be a potential problem.

[Findingmyvoice]

Funny that this thread came up again.
Just this past weekend we had our parenting schedule arranged so i would pick the kids up Monday evening rather than Sunday evening because I was on a hiking trip with my brother and cousins.
my ex knew when I was expected home and I told her I would call or text if I was going to be home later than expected.
We had just arrived back in an area with cell service and I was still 3 or 4 hours away from home and my son asked if they could get dropped off at my house early.
Turns out exBPDw had a date and couldn't be burdened with kids.