how do you behave when rejected?

[tragedy or hope]

What do you do?

I would like to learn how to behave when in the same house with someone who is neglecting me or rejecting me. I don't feel comfortable and don't know where to be.... or how to behave. As if he is not there? Quiet? Go completely away in my car? Speak as if I do not acknowledge the behavior?

I feel very awkward when this happens and powerless. This is in my opinion... like a feeling of childlikeness, like I am "in trouble" as if I have to hide or not be seen because someone else "doesn't like me" at the moment.

It's like the feeling of being "bullied" by kids at school who make you feel awkward whatever you are doing till you are completely away from them. But then, there is the adult me who insists on being seen, not cowtowing, standing my ground to be where ever I want to be.

The power of abusive rejection is a cloud of abnormal atmosphere. I am torn between the rejection and the need to make things normal...part of the reason why I am on this website. I realize this is not good, but my reality.

Would love to hear how others cope with this. I really hate hiding myself. I feel like a bad child... how do you cope and get out of of this feeling when it happens?

[Starboard Song]

I personally manage to greet strangers with a bright smile and strong voice, even if I am very sad. I expect people to do at least as well for their friends and loved ones, but we often do not.

I've learned a couple things. It may not be about you: they are just unhappy, and they show that to whomever is there to see it. That doesn't make it fair to you, but it is an important thing to know. This sort of behavior should be mild and infrequent, never extreme and constant.

For my part, my DW displays her unhappiness by flatly denying me the cordiality of a bright face and strong voice that I mentioned at top. I take some offense at that, because it is so alien to me, but no offense is intended. It's like when a southerner is offended that a New Yorker didn't wave at them. New Yorkers aren't so much rude, as busy.

So when I see this, and it is other than quite minor and transient, I intervene:

• Make it clear I am intevening: a gentle "Hang on. Come here, sweetie" sort of call to interact
• Address the issue: "Hey, I know this is frustrating" or "I know you are sad."
• Give her a choice: "Do you wanna talk or play a game or something, or would you rather be alone right now?"

And I can never predict which it is going to be. But if she wants to pout alone, I respect that. If she wants company, whether to talk about it or not, I expect kind pleasantness, but not chirpiness like I'd do. And if she wants to talk, and it is anything other than a problem with me (it rarely is a problem with me), I almost entirely refrain from providing solutions. In fact, my first words will either be "That's so hard." or "Well that's right, isn't it?", often followed by a re-framing of the problem, but always prefaced by agreement in some manner.

I don't mean to be manipulative in this. I truly believe an upset person needs primarily to know that they (1) aren't insane and (2) their basic complaint isn't foolish. Down the line, there is plenty of time to provide corrections, amendments, and solutions. That's not what they need first.

And many times, she really just needs space: it isn't about me. In those cases, being sullen and quiet is ok. That is not really rejection, though I know it feels like it. But you ought never to accept abuse and mistreatment. If it goes that path, if he is actually rejecting you, then you are out my territory. I wish you so much strength.

Be good. Be strong.

[Bowsy26]

Tragedy and Hope:  I have a family member whom I have experienced this with.  It was always extremely uncomfortable and, in this case, it was meant to show her disapproval and disgust with me at the moment.  If someone else walked in the room, she would be happy and smiling and quite animated.  If they left, she went back to ignoring me.  It took me 3 hours to drive to her home on top of it.  She did this to others when they were painted black, too, so it wasn't just me.   I agree with Starboard Song that it is not about us but instead is about them.  However,  they can be very good at aiming their issue at the person they are upset with and I am sure they would see it as our problem and not theirs. 

I was still in the fog when this was happening and my go to reaction at that time was to not react and pretend everything was fine and their behavior was totally normal.  Being raised by a violent alcoholic (possibly BPD) mother had prepared me to accept abnormal behavior as normal.  I also accepted the problem was with me and whatever was wrong must be my fault. 

I haven't been on this website for very long and am working hard to learn about PD disorders.   Please know that you are not alone.  You really don't have to fix this, though I understand just how uncomfortable this can be.  After a blowout with dpdh when things were so awkward and I was walking on eggshells, I would try to get things back to normal as quickly as possible just to regain a sense of normal again.  For me, being made invisible by another is very painful emotionally and awkward socially.

Now when H's behaviors make me feel off balance, my go to is to drive to a local quiet spot (a park or even a parking lot) with a good book and something cold to drink.  Then I give myself a couple of hours to relax and focus on me.  When I return, there might be payback.  This mostly happened when I first stopped fixing things so readily,   I had to be willing to be uncomfortable in order to build my boundaries and my self-respect.   Plus it is a way for me to take back the power the PD is trying to take from me.  If you don't want to leave the house maybe take a long soaking bath or a hot shower.  Paint your nails or call a friend (if you haven't been socially isolated).  Once I accepted it wasn't my problem and began to act accordingly, the pressure on me to fix it lessened. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.   

[PeanutButter]

I think you got a superb response from StarboardSong! I hope Bowsy26 experience was very validating to you.
My take is more like a PS to their advice.
IME the emotions around the 'childlikeness' and 'in trouble' feeling along with it being like a 'childhood bullying' to you are worth digging a little deeper for and then sitting with them.
Alot of times, for some of us, our partners are 'triggering' our wounds from FOO. So IME not only is what he is feeling, doing, or not doing not about you, but maybe your strong emotions in reaction are not 'about' him intirely.
Its sorta like someone patting your arm to say hello, which is fine except you have a sunburn, so it makes you scream in pain.
Our original wounds make us more semsitive to some behaviors.
Thats not to say that his behavior is not problematic to your relationship. There could just be more to the 'story'.

[SparkStillLit]

I ignore unless directly spoken to, maintain a determinedly cheery demeanor, carry on with any plans, and if no plans, knitting & reading

[PeanutButter]

I ignore unless directly spoken to, maintain a determinedly cheery demeanor, carry on with any plans, and if no plans, knitting & reading

Probably best. If it is silent treatment meant to punish. Then imo not showing him any emotions will not allow him to 'get his supply'.

[tragedy or hope]

thank you everyone. all very helpful ideas. and yes, some of this is my own stuff. much to work on. I really like your methods of dealing with it.

[Feeling sick]

I'm in the same position just now, except that mine is talking but is withdrawing any affection or closeness, but showing it excessively to our children. It  is definitely punishment for my behaviour, I'm not sure he will ever be as he was again. I'm finding it very hard to cope with. I'm trying not to let it show just how much it hurts.
I've been reading, and trying to be calm, not sure really whether it's working, my insides are churning most of the time.
It's not easy when there is no real chance to get out. Not sure I've been of any help here sorry.

[tragedy or hope]

Feeling sick,

I get it. Sometimes I get "punished" like that too. I started to identify it when it happens. Cheerful on the phone with friends, rude with me. I point it out and tell him it is cruel and a manipulation, and I know what he is doing and he only hurting himself because my thoughts will not change.

I learned from a wise friend that the most important thing to do is to verbally identify it, because we are not getting what we want and need anyway,  so be honest without being rude.

What this does is validate YOU because he is in a tizzy about something and is trying to punish you because you not the teddy bear he put in the corner. They get a thrill out of control. And they know exactly what they are doing. He knows you well enough to know about the knots in your stomach and how horrible you feel.

You somehow got out of line in his mind. Too bad. You get to have your own mind.

And for awhile maybe your thoughts are not on him. I am so sorry he is not being affectionate to you. That is an unnerving kind of punishment, and he knows it. It is to get you into his pain. He will eventually come around. And when he does realize you are the one in control, because he has to do these weird things to get your attention.

Go do what you love even if you feel like it is killing you. Do it for you alone. I have gone to a movie alone and cried all the way there, and still enjoyed the movie. On the way home, I have been proud of myself and not eager to be near him as I was before I left.

Doing things for ourselves when we are getting frozen out on purpose is a gift we can learn to give to ourselves.

These thoughts and actions have helped me. Lest you think I have it together... I would not be on this website if I did. Stay focused on yourself and what you want to do in the moment for now. he is renting space in your head but never pays the bill.

[Lauren17]

TOH,
You asked "how to behave" and "how to cope."  IMO, these are two very different things.
You've gotten excellent suggestions on "how to behave" and I offer this as an idea on how to apply them. If we've had a disagreement and the silent treatment is clearly punishment, I will address it directly. If it is uBPDh's stonewalling or withdrawing for attention in general, I ignore and go about my day.
As far as "how to cope". I have a mantra that's very close to three Cs. I go somewhere private—my car, a walk, locked bathroom with the fan on. I repeat the mantra, out loud, over and over until that sick feeling in my gut  recedes.
Another suggestion comes from Debbie Mirza. She says to tell yourself "this is not love". When you're ready follow up with "I deserve love".
This gets easier with practice. I didn't cause H to see the light and start behaving in a rational fashion. He has just withdrawn more and more. I'm sad to see that happening, especially as it affects my girls, but I won't go back to sacrificing myself to change that.
Stay strong.

[tragedy or hope]

  Great ideas. So helpful. Knowing others face the weirdness is strength to cope. Love the telling myself this is not love and that I love myself. They are so good at convincing us otherwise... like it is we who are not loving.

I have also told him I am lovable whether he thinks I am or not. Lot's of people think I am the best! And they do.

I don't need to know HE loves me to feel good about myself. I just feel so awkward, not knowing where to look, diverting my eyes, behaving as if he is not there... it all feels really weird.

When my children pouted I left them alone to pout, ignored it and continued on as if... I think I will do that with him. His emotions are arrested at about a 8-12.
Maybe I should offer him some cookies and milk?!

This is a large part of his diet so it would not be special. HA!