Acting as if nothing happened

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iwillrise

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Acting as if nothing happened
« on: May 15, 2020, 12:39:58 PM »
This is my first post here. I'm glad that I found this forum.
I'm 19 years old, my mother is a narcissist, I have 2 brothers, the eldest is 30 years old and he is still living with us. He has been abusing me for like 8 years, from the time he graduated from college until now. He is the golden child, and he is very overtly narcissistic; he has videos  of him abusing me and my younger sister, she is 17. The second brother is 28 years old, and he is still living with us, too (you can see that the narcissistic mother has succeeded in keeping them with her).  He is more of a borderliner than a narcissist. His abuse started later, however it was very bad, in fact so bad that it changed my personality. I'm not even kidding, I was a very happy extroverted kid (even though I was occasionally abused by the golden child), but what this guy has done made me almost a narcissist (you know, narcissism can just be a defence mechanism), I don't want to get to details, because this isn't the topic.

The thing that surprises me is that regardless of all what they have done (and what they are still doing) they still try to talk to me, and sometimes even give me advice! I feel very angry because it is very invalidating. I often think that I'm the crazy one, and I'm just exaggerating, until they abuse me again (which doesn't take more than a day to happen). This really puzzles me, don't they know what they are doing? Or is it a manipulation tactic? I think it is the latter, because occasionally my second brother would abuse my sister and then she would scream or curse, he would tell her why is she cursing, or that she is a lunatic right after he abuses her.

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Bloomie

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Re: Acting as if nothing happened
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2020, 12:15:36 PM »
Hi there and welcome. My apologies that your post has sat for a couple of days before a warm welcome.

If I am understanding correctly, you and your younger sister are currently living in the home with two older brothers who are abusing you both and your NPD mother is also living there? Is your mother aware of the abuse and allowing it?

What a terrible circumstance for you both to be living in. My heart goes out to you both.

Do you have a trusted older adult friend or father or extended family member that you and your sister could immediately move to safety and live with? Have you shared what is going on in the home with anyone outside of the home? A school counselor, pastor, or another older adult who could guide you and help you in real life?

It makes perfect sense that there would be times you would question your own sanity and thinking when living in an atmosphere of risk and near daily abuse from which there seems no escape.

We can and will support you as you here, but what I want to stress to you is that the best possible thing you can do for yourself right now is to contact a domestic violence counselor and talk through what is going on and find some skilled help in creating an exit plan and safety strategies in real life.

There is help and hope for you and reaching out here for the level of support and encouragement we are able to give is brave. Reaching out to trained professionals who have resources and experience navigating safe exit from an abusive living situation is also a potential life changing choice you can make. 

Here are our emmergency resources:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency

And an online resource that you can access right now:
https://www.thehotline.org/help/

If your physical safety, or your sister's is in any way at risk do not hesitate to call your local authorities and get their help. They can also give you guidance to your local DV resources, shelters, counseling, and help.

When you are able, let us know how you are doing and that you are safe. Much good strength to you!



 
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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PeanutButter

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Re: Acting as if nothing happened
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2020, 01:54:23 PM »
Hi iwillrise. WELCOME!  :bighug:
I am so deeply sorry that you are experiencing this abuse from your brothers and neglect? by your M.
That is so frustratingly confusing that B abuses you but then talks to you even giving you advice without any acknowledgment of the abuse that just occurred.
My older uhpdS abused our much younger B in a similar way. She would verbally abuse him, harrass, and assault him, but the second he did anything in defense or retaliation she would involve our ubpd/uspdM who would punish my brother.
I feel this was a manipulating behavior called "baiting".
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/baiting
After I started my OOTF journey I remember I was told once that the kind of person to ackowledge, validate, and apologise to us about abusing us,  probably wouldnt be a person who abused us in the first place.
I dont know if they see their behavior as abusive or not.
But it is.
We cant wait for them to figure it out and do the right thing. We must learn to protect ourselves.
I hope you are ok.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2020, 01:56:33 PM by PeanutButter »
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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iwillrise

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Re: Acting as if nothing happened
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2020, 08:44:37 PM »
Thank you guys for replying, I really appreciate you validating me. I think I have to add more details regarding my "family" so that you can see the picture more clear.

Before I was born, my father -who was a decent person- left my mother who was a mother of 3: 2 brothers (which I've described) and 1 sister. I don't know why did he left her, but I know very well that she was the problem.

My dad returned back and they had me and my sister. At that time, the oldest brother (which is the golden child) was 10, the second was 9 or 8, and the sister was 8.
Growing up, the first memories that I can remember are abuse from my N mother, the abuse, however, was covert, it was not direct. Example: when I was in the first grade (7 years old) I remember her trying to teach me in a language that she can not understand (English), the weird thing here is that my dad was an English teacher, I don't know how in the world did she understand, but, one time when she was checking my answers, I got hit so bad with a glass of water in my knees, it pained so hard that I kept rolling on the ground screaming, when I was screaming in the ground she didn't come and support me, she waited till I finished, and then told me that she will give me some money as a compensation, later that day, I noticed that my knee had a bruise, I went to her and showed her, she looked at it, and then looked away without any kind of reaction, though I remember that her face looked scared, she didn't give me the money she promised.
This is a small one, it does not compare with the other abuse that I have been through.

I had no any relationship with the golden child throughout my childhood, like, literally I can't remember one time that we played together or talked together. The other brother played with me but has done horrible things to me (like suffocating me under a pillow -he was laughing every time he did it- but it was never fun, it always made me feel as if my life is going to end: helpless. He also did a very very dangerous thing to me, but I will talk about it later).

My elder sister had a good relationship with me, we had some fun, but later she started doing weird things, like when we first got internet, I was 9 or 10 at that time, she searched up "ass" in front of me and my sister. And she did some horrible things: like showing me very horrifying videos: one of a girl committing suicide, another of a man killed by a train, and another of a women getting a weird paralysis as if she were possessed, each video of these were shown to me before the age of 13, she would call me with a smile on her face (I don't know how one could do something like this or see something like this and show a smile), and then show me the video, my heart would sink, I would get extremely confused, it was horrible. The weird thing is that she was 13+8 = 21 at that age, that means she spent 3 years in the medical school , yes, you heard that right, she is a doctor. I don't know what was her intentions, but because the whole family was set up my the narcissistic mother to fight each other for her validation and admiration, I am not surprised that things like that would happen, she might have tried to destroy my soul so I could not compete with her.

Now let's talk about the big deal, the Nmother. She convinced us from a very long time that our father is an evil, and that his mother wants to steal his money, she would talk about how he left her, and how much of a victim she has been. He came back, however, but this time I don't think that he was that autonomous and assertive, somehow that autonomous man who took decisions to leave a toxic wife took abuse from her every second of his life without doing anything. I think because he discovered three things: (first, his money was stolen, yes, all his savings were stolen, second, he had a liver illness which was chronic, and third, he was full of shame because of what he has done: "leaving the narcissistic mother". We didn't discover this until very very late, like 2 years ago (I might talk about him  later). The thing is, when he came back with the new codependent personality, I was just a kid, I thought he has always been like that. The narcissistic mother would make fun on everything he is doing, she would also make fun of his way of eating. She would do that explicitly on the lunch table when the family is gathered (we no longer gather now), he would not say anything, she did that literally every day, for like 8 years. She would also steal his passport and hide it (because she was afraid he would leave her), I mean, he came back and had 2 additional kids, why would he leave now?! She just liked playing her victim narrative. She would accuse him of outrageous things in front of us (kids) like cheating on her, she would say it in a very disrespectful manner: "you take 20 dollars and find a bitch", the man was so conserved he would never do this, yet she always accused him of that. Most of the day was arguments with him over very minor things. He slept too much to escape that living hell. She made every potential happy moment a very sad disgusting moment by psychologically and emotionally manipulating him, we would all feel bad and hurt. My father didn't do anything, he just sat there reading books, I had absolutely no connection with him, zero connection. I remember I used to mirror the abusive tactics of my mother, and try to make fun of him, I regret it, I very much regret it, but I was just a kid who thought that was fun because his mother was doing it, plus I thought her narrative was correct.

When my "brother" came back from university which was in another country, he started abusing me, funny how the one who had no any connection with me throughout my childhood, the first thing he does is start abusing me. I was 11 at that time, it continued until now (19), literally every time he sees me, and I mean it, EVERYTIME he sees me, he would make some moves with his hand and look at my ass with a weird smirk on his face, you might argue that this abuse is not that big of a deal, but it is, it is an emotional-sexual abuse, he is a weirdo pervert. The thing is, my Nmother would just walk away as if nothing happened, she would sometimes try to stop him, but the tone of her voice shows that she idealises him, that is why he never stopped, if she really wanted him to stop, she would have stopped him the first time he did it, and I remember complaining the first time the did it. Sometimes she would just talk to him about other stuff while me and my sister are shouting: "go away, go away" to him, the Nmom would talk about other "important" things to him while he was doing that, like buying stuff, checking the car, etc. However, sometimes she would rage at him (she is a narcissist), but not because he abuses me and my sister, but because of other unrelated things, she would rage, call him names, accuse him the same way she accuses my dad, project on him, tell him that she does not want him in the house, (while registering the internet, and other important stuff inside our apartment with his legal name: she wants him to keep bonded with her by guilt), again, if she really did not want him to stay with her he would not have stayed until now (he is 30 now) and still going in the same arguments with her, emotional hostage, in fact, I think all of his abusive behaviour was just a result of her abusing him emotionally.

The second brother came from the same university after like 3 years, he failed 2 years, I don't know why, but I am pretty sure that it is because of the Nmom, she would phone him and the other brother every day and other, she kept them(he and the other brother) bonded with her over that distance (they were in another country), she controlled which majors they have chosen, and what micro majors they've chosen!

The second brother, upon arrival,  also started getting narcissistic abuse from my Nmom: projection, name calling, telling him that he is useless, comparing him to others to the point that he rages, eventually he started abusing me and my sister (see a pattern? she abuses them, and then they start abusing me and my sister), he did horrible things before it though, like hitting me in my head very hardly multiple times because I screamed when he was holding me in a way that I could not move, he did that because I was angry at him for bullying me away from his laptop (I was 15).

The Nmother remains the secret reason for all of the dysfunction in the family, however, she tried to have a bond with me and my sister, as the "saviour", she is a horrible person. Her high school GPA is 60% yet she kept on calling me a failure and a loser and a stupid kid even though my GPA was 99%. I managed to keep that very high grade that even smart kids in functioning families have don't, because I isolated myself, yet she always abused me and told me that God hates me and because he does, I will never succeed, even if I got 99% GPA, she would literally say that. It is apparent how much envy she is displaying. It is a miracle that I still want to live after all of that abuse, and, yet, instead of apologizing for the disgusting family dynamic she's created, or at least just leave me alone, she tires to make me think that I am a loser, she then would say: you only study, life is just studying for you. It makes me furious! Like what does this narc even know about life?! screaming?! shouting all day?! using extremely abusive sexual words  on her kids?! Is that the life?! Notice here that she uses contradictory statements: (a failure, and one who only studies), it is really sick.

My dad passed away, and the first thing she did was change her whats app status, I am not even kidding, the moment the doctor said that, we heard him from the inner room, she gave the phone to my sister and told her change my whats app status, she even had a smile on her face. I commented on that and said: "what kind of a person are you?" My second-youngest brother (a flying monkey even though he was severely emotionally abused by her) showed up and said in a tone that suggests simplicity (the tone that you use to suggest that a thing is easy or simple): "what's the problem with that?". I then started doubting myself, doubting myself over basic human ethics. Ah, I feel furious.

Basically the family dynamics continued this way even after my dad passing away, nothing really changed. The abuse from all parts kept on going...
It might appear that I've explained everything, but actually there is a lot more, things that had to do with me personally, how I viewed the world, I was locked in my room 24/7 trying to get high grades, and serious fights with them..

I hope this gave you an insight..
« Last Edit: May 18, 2020, 09:04:53 PM by iwillrise »

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nanotech

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Re: Acting as if nothing happened
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2020, 10:07:34 AM »
You donít have to speak to any of them. I do not speak to the unhealthy ones
They want their past behaviour to be validated, so they pretend like it never happened. What they want out of you now, is your silence and your loyalty. In that way they can still be under their own illusions They have fooled  themselves into believing they didnít ever abuse you. 
But YOU know what happened, and whatís still happening. When they ring and they give you Ď adviceí, this is to gaslight you into thinking they care about you.
Itís an attempt to Ďnormaliseí the relationship (s) so that you get lured in to believing you are in a normal family.
 
This is why two of my family are so angry that I have no contact with them now. One of them rang my daughter, suggesting I had mental health problems. All because I told him calmly that I didnít think we had a very healthy relationship and that I would only be answering texts if our dad was seriously ill or dying.
He likes to be very passive aggressive on texts. So I called a halt to that. Itís not as if we had a close relationship. He just liked to try and shame me every so often by text. It took me years to realise it. I used to humour him, answering calmly- but then I would feel uncomfortable for days. Then I realised that  he as taking it as submission, and that just answering him was feeding his narcissism.

The advice on herefrom Bloomie  is to seek out a friend, or someone else you can lean on. This is great advice. Find a new tribe that you can turn to for emotional support.
I started by reducing contact gradually, and that worked for me. 

« Last Edit: May 19, 2020, 10:45:56 AM by nanotech »

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Maxtrem

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Re: Acting as if nothing happened
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2020, 01:00:25 PM »
Iwillrise, I would like to congratulate you for having become aware at the age of 19 of all the family dysfunctions with such precision. This is very impressive and it is also a sign of great intelligence and a very analytical mind. I also see similarities between your story and mine, except that at your age, my awareness of family dysfunctions was only partial and that I am an only child. I congratulate you for having such high grades at school, especially in the family context that you are evolving. I also like the resilience you have, your mother calls you stupid, as a result you get 99%.

Having very good academic results and rapid professional success after working hard has given me good self-esteem. My mother also told me that even though I had good grades that no one would hire me because I was so immature... as a result I found a job and very well paid before I even finished my master's degree.     

Reading your story I also had a flashback of my childhood (I have very few memories of my childhood). When I read that your mother hit you with a glass, it reminded me that once she would give me a dictation and I would get a slap in the face every time I made a mistake and she would ask for the dictation again until I didn't make any more mistakes.