Flying monkey contacted my mother in law

[blues_cruise]

I haven't spoken with my uNF nor his wife (also with narcissistic traits) for three years. MIL phoned my husband this morning saying that this woman had sent her a Facebook message out of the blue, beginning with small talk and saying how it had been a while since they had spoken. I don't think MIL opened the message to read the rest as she doesn't want to acknowledge it. She feels rude for not reading or responding though.

My reaction is pretty much just, "Ugh, really?"  They're not friends and haven't spoken for 3 years either, probably more than that. The only thing they have in common is me and this step-woman ('mother' is a joke) is clearly just bored and trying to stir things up via my mother in law. Not once has she tried to approach me directly, other than a handwritten note explaining that they had dumped some stuff from their loft on my doorstep once. uNF has tried to get to me via my MIL before too and I think it's because they know she highly values social niceties and doesn't want to rock the boat. They think she can be manipulated into guilt tripping me. They've never ever tried to approach my husband for 'answers' as they know they're far less likely to get an emotional reaction.

The manipulation and mind games just never end, do they? I'm so glad I decided upon no contact with these people, they really are manipulative and toxic and I feel that my sense of boundaries has improved so much. I almost want uNF to try getting in touch again so I can flat out tell him to leave me alone and let him know EXACTLY what the problem is.

Just venting, sorry.  Anyone relate though? This kind of manipulative behaviour and shallowness just baffles me. If she gave two hoots about a friendship with my MIL she would have been in touch with her well before now. 

[BettyGray]

Oh, yes. Sadly, I can relate.

5 yrs NC here. My Nmom sent MIL a long, nasty letter a couple of years ago pretty much saying how horrible DH was and how he had corrupted me or brainwashed or whatever...good move, telling a mother her son is basically a psycho- a-hole. 
The clincher : NM didn't understand how any of this could be as I was always "the sweet and kind one" in the family. Translation- "I can't manipulate her any more and it is all your son's fault!"

MIL (with whom I get along and NM always hated that) was caught completely off-guard and called DH in tears. She didn't deserve that.

NM also called MIL more than once leaving nasty messages on her VM. I mean, who does that? Eventually MIL got that she should not listen to any messages or answer any calls from that area code. The best thing to come out of all of it was my MIL finally understood why I wanted nothing to do with NM.

NM did nothing but solidify my decision as the right one. On this Mother's Day, I am so very grateful I don't have to call her, visit her, send her a card, or listen to her feel sorry for herself as a mother in quarantine who can't have the entire family get together and tell her how great she is.

I am so sorry she did this to you. Even if your MIL is no prize, nobody deserves this. Enjoy today being free of the chaos, guilt trips, gaslighting, covert emotional abuse, lies, manipulation, death by a thousand cuts.

[blues_cruise]

Oh, yes. Sadly, I can relate.

5 yrs NC here. My Nmom sent MIL a long, nasty letter a couple of years ago pretty much saying how horrible DH was and how he had corrupted me or brainwashed or whatever...good move, telling a mother her son is basically a psycho- a-hole. 
The clincher : NM didn't understand how any of this could be as I was always "the sweet and kind one" in the family. Translation- "I can't manipulate her any more and it is all your son's fault!"

MIL (with whom I get along and NM always hated that) was caught completely off-guard and called DH in tears. She didn't deserve that.

NM also called MIL more than once leaving nasty messages on her VM. I mean, who does that? Eventually MIL got that she should not listen to any messages or answer any calls from that area code. The best thing to come out of all of it was my MIL finally understood why I wanted nothing to do with NM.

NM did nothing but solidify my decision as the right one. On this Mother's Day, I am so very grateful I don't have to call her, visit her, send her a card, or listen to her feel sorry for herself as a mother in quarantine who can't have the entire family get together and tell her how great she is.

I am so sorry she did this to you. Even if your MIL is no prize, nobody deserves this. Enjoy today being free of the chaos, guilt trips, gaslighting, covert emotional abuse, lies, manipulation, death by a thousand cuts.

Oh wow, that sounds like harassment! Your poor mother in law. I do think behaviour like this is bully mentality, the PD person sees a kind person connected to us as being weak and tries to get supply that way, as we will be offended that someone close to us is being mistreated. NF and his wife have always mocked my MIL behind her back and even flat out ignored MIL and FIL most of the evening and muttered nasty comments when out for a meal in a restaurant...which NF and his wife had organised (and insisted upon, even though they're not friends and it was plain weird).  Even the owner of the restaurant (who MIL and FIL know) was shocked by it and thought they were behaving oddly because of something he might have done. The whole thing was an embarrassing, unnecessary fiasco and the fact that NF's wife covertly goaded NF on in his behaviour and felt no shame really cemented the fact that she is not a good person. This was actually one of the major turning points when I started to decide that I was going to properly distance myself from them, because it was just immature and nasty.

With the above in mind, it amazes me that years later NF's wife would think that my MIL would want anything to do with them both. MIL is very much socially aware though and always wants to be polite and be seen to be doing the right thing, which I think they're very much aware of and trying to exploit. She doesn't understand that PDs don't play by the social decorum rulebook and will just manipulate and distort situations for their own gain. I'm not close to my MIL (I have to have a boundary there as she can be a bit overbearing) but she means well and doesn't deserve to be used as a pawn in my FOO's toxic dynamics. I recognise the same manipulation and abuse tactics that have been used against me and seeing it happen to someone else really angers me.

Thanks Liz, very thankful to be merely observing behaviour like this nowadays than to be in the thick of it!

[BettyGray]

Hi Blues_cruise,

I think our MILs sound very alike. Mine is definitely overbearing and has severe boundary/codependency/anxiety/insecurity issues. But she means well, and gives folks the benefit of the doubt. Plus, your point of PDs not playing by the same rules is very, very difficult for the average person to understand. We tend to think that others share our morals and never in a million years would it occur to most that family members (especially parents) would deliberately try to destroy their children. It's unthinkable.

Bullies they are, but in the much more (at least to me) insidiously covert and manipulative way. Preying on nice/vulnerable people, gaining their trust, acting like they are on your side, then upending all of that, leaving us confused - alone to pick up the pieces.

Ironically, I also had a step-mother-in-law  (FIL's wife, deceased now 7 years) who was more like my Nmom. She was a bitter, nasty, spiteful alcoholic. Very calculating. She hated that FIL had good relationships with his sons (as she had nonexistent  or terrible relationships with her own sons). She knew if she ever crossed a line and said anything bad about DH and DBIL, he would choose them. So she got digs in all the time. Everyone despised her. I know it's awful to wish death on people, but honestly none of us were heartbroken when she passed away. FIL could never see it or admit to himself who she truly was.

Learning the PD (Art of War, if you ask me) rules of engagement and underhanded tactics truly changed everything for me. But the veneer had to come down first. Admitting to ourselves that we were duped and betrayed by those closest to us is a heavy cross to bear. But once that is gone, we notice those tactics everywhere, in lots of people. They're so formulaic it is kind of funny in a way. They think they're being sly. To us, the game is up. Or at least turned on it's head. Revenge in its own way - they pretty much destroy themselves.

I am grateful  as well! Can't believe that chaos was ever part of my life.