I should know better

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tragedy or hope

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I should know better
« on: May 17, 2020, 10:20:42 PM »
So every so often I loose it. I am usually on top of the unpdh manipulations, but today I caved. I tried to have a quiet conversation about his need to bring up people he associates with, who I do not nor want to have anything to do with.  I will not join the flying monkeys.

His comment... I am the problem;  that he wishes we could ask this person and his wife out to dinner or something sometime. This person he acts like is a nuisance to him when he calls, but he will not miss a call, and basically will keep calling him back if he doesn't get him. It doesn't matter what we are doing.

 I have met the wife and we do not click.  I would rather talk to the men when we go out, as the wives of the men he picks for friends are not very interesting. Very submissive types afraid to speak up etc. These are my perceptions. Don't mean to be offensive.

So, I would rather talk to the men, however, N makes sure to drown me out or take over the conversation and procure the attention of the woman. Whatever he needs to do to be seen as the life of the party. He will be louder and even force his body over the table in front of me to be heard over me.

As long as my unpdh is the center of attention, he's happy.  The other thing he does is say nice things to be shared with the guys wife. Since he leads a "bible study" the wives are tickled to death their husbands are doing "good" things. But this is my unpdh's MO and alway has been. He loves to call their house and just happen to get the wife so he can be preened. He changes the tone of his voice etc. HE started the group and announced HE was the leader. They all went along,

He has flirted with more women under the guise of religion in front my eyes than I can remember. We always argue about it, and of course it is always me... of course.

He behaves as if whoever it is, is the only person in the room. He will ignore me, not draw me into the conversation and not take his eyes off of hers while he is talking. He is charming, handsome and most women don't get much of that from their own husbands. Anything to hear his name mentioned, repeated and to be adored. Including stepping on my soul.

I have kind of shared this before but I am mad at myself because he tried to control the situation and conversation when I was expressing my opposite thoughts. He controls it by saying he is not going to talk about it anymore, after he says something that gets the upper hand. He does not care what I think and feel.

I should have left it there, but I did not. As a result i invited the verbal abuse. I was told what I was saying was just air and meaningless to him. I felt so frustrated. Such disrespect as I told him and walked away.

 He is driven to get people to like him and turns on the charm. Phone calls, texts, all the time. He presents himself as someone who cares but says negative things about them to me.

I am so frustrated. We don't seem to be able to have friends together. It is a lonely life. He spends his days calling people and getting calls. I think I am the sick one but I am also an empath and I choose friends very carefully. He tries to shame me for that because I don't jump at the chance to be part of his entourage.

However, I do want friends. Just any body will not do. I need to trust them.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you.

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled and you still have bits of web on you. T or H

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I should know better
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2020, 04:14:55 AM »
My NPDh did that to me. He would openly flirt with other women while I was standing there. He would also compliment them, sometimes outrageously, while I was starved for a kind word from him.
From what you describe, you are needed as an audience or an alibi, maybe the other men are less likely to become suspicious as long as you are there.
Talking and more talking did not help me in my situation. What really helped was, medium chill, non-jade, and grey rock. It took me a while to learn these strategies but once I applied them, my healing accelerated. I told myself that by letting my h be exactly how he wanted to be, by stopping the attempts to change him, I would show him respect. By taking care of my own wishes, I would show myself respect.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela