Gender reveal next week after NC 3 years with Parents

[Gladiola23]

Hello Out of the FOG community. Things have been going well for a while. I've had three good years of no contact with my parents. I have been feeling better, anxiety has reduced, I've been able to focus on my family of three young kids and wonderful husband.
However (record scratch), my sister has recently found out she was pregnant after the new year, gotten married, and is now planning a gender reveal this coming weekend. She has invited me, along with her and her husbands entire family, so around 25 people to participate in a scavenger hunt. When she told me about this she slipped in that my parents would be coming. It didn't feel completely honest, and felt like she was trying to reduce the blow.
We ended having  a huge fight last week because of this. I told her after 3 years of no contact, talking with me honestly about having us all together would be a good plan, as well as acknowledging that this would be challenging. She's upset because she thinks I am not being supportive. I'm upset because she seems to want to gloss over the fact that there has been incredibly deep pain (emotional, psychological, sexual abuse) on both of our parts.
I told her I would be going, but I am not ready to bring the whole family. We haven't talked since our fight and I have feelings of discomfort, anxiety, sadness, and overwhelm. I've been meditating a lot so I don't disassociate or try to escape through food or being on my phone for long times, which are sometimes not so helpful escapes. Sitting with the discomfort is exhausting excruciating.
I'm not sure what I need here. I just want to share with people that know how it feels. Maybe if there's anyone who has been in the same boat they can share how they got through.
Thanks fellow warriors.

[lotusblume]

Hi there Gladiola23,

What an awful situation to be in. Sending you support and comfort. It sounds like you want to be supportive of your sister and maintain a relationship with her. Is it possible that the news of your parents being there sent you into a flashback? Maybe yes, maybe no, regardless, you both have a different perspective of how things went down. It is very difficult to navigate the FOO waters, especially with a sibling who still has them in their life, and to me it sounds like is in denial about the abuse incurred, or at least not at the same place as you with your inner work. Maybe this is what upset you, having your version of history and feelings being invalidated. Though it can be difficult, remember that you're the only one who needs to care what you feel and think about it. And you cannot change how she feels about her childhood or relationship with your parents.

That being said, try and put yourself in her shoes and see how she might feel unsupported. Perhaps she feels in the middle. It sounds like a continuation of a pattern of divide and conquer by parents, where you are pitted against each other now instead of directing your blame towards them.

Maybe work on releasing some anger and blame towards your parents for causing this kind of pattern between you and your sister, and abusing you in a way that you had to take enormous distance to heal and regain your sense of self. See what kind of sadness or blame you need to release about your sister as well. Once you have worked out those feelings, see what is the true source of tension between your sister and you. Is she also abusive? Are you angry that she is in the FOG?

Once you have sorted through those feelings, perhaps it will be easier to figure out how to deal with the gender reveal party.

That's my outside perspective, I hope it may be helpful, but only you have the answers. I personally deal with the frustration and anger of my siblings being in the FOG and siding with my parents, as well as realising that this kind of divisive pattern comes from a long, long time ago.

It sounds like you're doing extremely well, are very strong and on the right path!

[all4peace]

It's so painful, how far the ripples of abuse spread and how many relationships they affect.

My childhood had plenty of the various types of abuse, most of them suffered by all of my siblings and me. We're all handling it differently. One-2 yrs ago my own dear sister desperately just wanted it to all be ok when she was home for visits. My anxiety was very bad at that time and I couldn't accommodate her wish for our whole family to be together when she was home. It was hard for her, painful, and yet our relationship has survived.

I'm not you, your sister isn't mine, and so I have no idea what will work for you, if anything. But what worked for me with my siblings is that I very clearly stated my unconditional love for them, my fear that our parents would sabotage our relationship, my clearly stated needs and boundaries ("I wish I could be there, but my anxiety is so bad that I really cannot manage it") and then stepped back and prayed and hoped for the best. I tried to manage my end of sisterhood well--stay in touch, care about the nieces and nephews, in general be the same sister I had always been to them--while navigating my healing process.

So far, it appears our sibling relationships are stronger than they've ever been. When my siblings have more contact with my parents than I'd be comfortable with, I try not to panic. I think we're going to be ok. Build up the good, hold onto the healthy and strong parts of your relationship, keep your nose clean, and kindly and calmly advocate for yourself--this would be my advice.

Good luck--this stuff is really hard!

[KeepingMyBlue]

Gladiola, how did everything go, or not go?

[Gladiola23]

I haven't been on Out of the FOG for a while now. Life with 3 little children, a job and pandemic take a lot of energy. I do want to thank all4peace and lotusblume for your support. Your advice helped me deal with a tough situation. My sister believes she is Out of the FOG, but I still see so much codependency and I get angry that she doesn't see things the way I do or try. But our relationship is important to me. Not that we have to be very close, but that we figure a way to have a relationship despite our background. No one understands quite like she does.
I did go to the gender reveal. It was over the top, and my mom was there. It was ackward, but I connected with others I knew and kept busy. I even went to my sisters baby shower a month or so later, which was again, over the top (my family does things in extremes). It was difficult because my parents have shared with very few people that I am no contact, and those people tend to be the flying monkeys messaging me to fix things with my parents. The hard part was everyone asking about how my parents got along with my kids, whom they mostly haven't seen, and all the innocent small talk that was painful. Four months later I saw my Mom again at my grandfathers 90th. I keep having to state and enforce boundaries with my sister. I feel she wants us to all be a big happy family, although she says she understand and respects my NC choice. It's a difficult relationship, but it's authentic and there are some good things that come out of it. If you've read this so far, thank you. It's great to have a place to go that I can get support if I need it, and it's so good to not feel alone.