She wants to call me.

[Love]

My NMil wants to call me because as she said to my Dh about a week ago.  She wants to "move past this".
To rehash a small amount of my story.  We have been NC for about six years with DH's family.  They have never attempted to apologize, they have never taken responsibility or even mentioned or tried to discuss the problem except for a "tell me what to do" once a year.
It has been 6 years since I spoke to NMil.  She has blamed our foc absence on marital issues, financial issues on our part of course not dh's family. 
I have ask dh what he would like me to do.  What would he like me to say?  I've tried to give this to him and he is Out of the FOG, he tells me to tell the truth.  Very kind of him.  But I have told them the truth, so has he and it falls on controlling, narcissistic ears. 

I want to do as God would have me do. 
It says to speak the truth with gentleness, and love.  Admittedly anything I can think in my head does not resemble that.  I don't even know if it is possible.  As any one on this forum know is that no Narcissist like the truth. 
My MIl has called the three letters i sent over 6 years "hate mail".  I can for sure admit the first one may have had some sting in it but "to much" thought when into the others.  For sure all of it was in vain, ive learned their are no magic words I have to penetrate her soul, honestly even hear ear, I got nothing.

Sure she could call and say half the right things, there is about a .000001%, there is a Chance she definitely could.

What do I do with this conversation.  The truth is so ugly, there is no making it sound nice, is there?  Please help any advice or words I can prepare or say will help.  There is no "just getting past this" as my mil put it. 

My anger isn't as much on the surface, I don't have much of that issue anymore, only very little times when they say or act crazy toward dh.  The reason he is currently talking to them on occasions if for himself, he feels it sees them for who they are. 
He really has done great work and he is a wonderful person.  He is stronger and we are  together.  He's being true to who he believes God wants him to be so he extends kindness when they seek him out.

He talks about nothing with them and has said he has outgrown them, he has said it's like they are children.  I can't be more thankful. 
But now what is my roll.  What truth do I tell?  I really am confused and tired.  Dh thinks his parents are worn down, from life and covid pandemic.
I'm in a different place then when I started out and this forum was a huge proponent in that.  The anger and fear has subsided substantially - only rare occasions with stupid interaction with inlaws and dh. 

What the heck do I do with this call?!?!?!? The truth is i never had a relationship with inlaws because they don't know how to have relationships.  There is nothing to move past, because dh and I have moved on thankfully.  If we moved past this ordeal as mil says there would still be nothing.  We simply have nothing with them and I personally can say o desire nothing from them or with them.  Dh says he feels the same.  I know obviously if they were different or even remorseful he would want to have a relationship with his parents, unfortunately that's not our reality.

What do I do or say or don't do or say in this phone call?  I really don't know what to say.  Like many these problems with inlaws didn't start with one situation.  Even dh has tried to tell his mom that it was from the moment him and I meant and until we ran out of emotional energy and ability to worship his family.  And now six years into no mil wants to call me so we can move past this? 

I got nothing.  I need all of your wisdom.  Tell me about your experience if this has happened with any of you. 

[PeanutButter]

I sympathise.
Its great that H is united with you.

Im guessing you are trying to make yourself do this for her? If so why?

Do not abandon yourself! If you have nothing to say to her then why would you do the call?

Do you expect her to do the talking? Do you want or need to hear what this abuser has to say?

I wouldn't even consider doing the call.

She could have responded to one of the three letters. She didn't! That says alot.
She may now hope enough time has passed that you will have forgotten and she can get you back to punish you for the "hate".

[mrsstrezy]

Here's my advice:

DON'T do the call! Everything you have said above indicates to me that the call would be pointless.

Are you considering making the call because you want to reconcile? Because you miss your MIL? Because you truly enjoy spending time with her? I didn't hear you say any of those things. This has you tripped up because of fear, obligation, and guilt.  Nothing more.  Don't allow the fog to roll in; you've come so far.

My NMIL has done the same thing.  "Can I call you?" "Let's get together and have something to eat and talk this out."  There is no reasoning.  There is no talking it out.  Last time I called her, it turned into an explosion and I was emotionally abused the worst I've ever been. 

Love and take care of yourself.  If your child was telling you these things about their own MIL, would you be encouraging them to make the call?

[Love]

Thank you for your replies and I agree with both of you.  There is no reason to talk after 6 years. I don't want or have a relationship with her.  I don't believe a relationship is even possible.
I'm doing it for my husband.  But I also don't know what it would do for my dh?  He doesn't love to talk about his parents so I honestly don't know if he knows why we should talk.  After 6 years there is nothing left. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Here's my advice.

The truth doesn't matter to an NPD. Telling them the truth just angers them. If telling an NPD the truth was effective, I am not sure why this site and all the writing and videos on NPD abuse exist. In other words, clearly the data is abundant that these relationships are not repaired through truth telling phone calls. It is sad, but these relationships are fraught. Because narcissism is a persistent pattern of destructive hurtful behaviour.

I too am wanting to live my life as a kind person. But is enduring narc abuse kind? I believe that with narcissists, you / we need to understand that kindness won't be "oh let's talk and listen to one another". That isn't possible with an N.

I believe kindness is about what you do to protect yourself from the narcissism.

I do not believe that letting a narcisstic person get what they want is kindness at all. In the same way a child wants us to think we are "nice" if we don't enforce their bedtime, a narcissist wants us to be "nice" to them by letting them do and say what they want. If your husband already sees them as children he has outgrown then he has come to understand that a healthy relationship with them is not possible.

They are not entitled to your time and attention. You are entitled to how you feel.

Check out the video induced conversation by Ross Rosenberg discussing narcissists and how they bait people in conversations.

Whether you do the phone call or not, nothing will change for you from one phone call. That isn't how relationships work. You don't trust her. You have the right to your feelings.

People with healthy MILs don't feel this anxiety over a phone call. She has caused you a lot of anxiety already. Sounds like the phone call will add to that.

Trees

[bloomie]

Love - you and your DH have come so far! That you each have chosen the level of contact that works for you and are honoring that has to be a huge relief and a solid foundation to work through this latest demand/command from your mil.

I have a working theory about why the demand to 'talk' with just you. For the most oppositional of uPD family members in my H's family words are powerful. A force. Narrative is everything. It doesn't have to in any way resemble truth, mind you, to be believed and widely disseminated. There is creative and manipulative power in words and a sickly kind of thrill in duping others to believe and buy in. Especially if a high conflict in law can cull us off away from the protective stance of our DH's and have a one on one phone call or meeting with us.

Not only can words be used to shame, blame, obfuscate, kick up chaos and confusion and manipulate in the moment, words, like dry kindling, can also be used to fuel a wildfire after the fact against us. New 'words' and conversations between us and an uPD in law who has shown zero remorse or self awareness, are an opportunity to potentially stir up and use a creative narrative about what was/was not said that fits the untrustworthy person's goals and give rise to a whole new smear campaign against us.

Sometimes the trust and relationship has broken down so much that we might not ever be able to have a one on one conversation with our in laws. My starting gate position with the most untrustworthy of in laws who has over the years done incredible damage to our lives with her toxic tongue is that I do not ever have any unwitnessed conversation with her. Not that it keeps her from using her toxic tongue against us anyway, but she has no new fuel from me for many years now.

If you feel you want/need to respond to this demand to 'talk' you can kindly send a note stating you have no interest in rehashing the past as it would not be productive to talk things through. Or you can continue NC and let your DH continue his occasional contact. The. End.

The Bible also tells us to pursue what brings peace and what is uplifting between ourselves and others. You do not have to engage with someone who may be stirring up foolish controversy and unproductive strife. Grown ups that have offended a dear family member may not do it perfectly, but they directly and clearly admit their wrongs and do what they can to make amends in humility and sincerity.

[Freebird228]

Dear Love,

I applaud you for standing so strong with NC with your In-laws. My husband and I have gone about 3.5 years max each time and it was always me reaching out, hoping that we could "try" again and that maybe it would be different "this time". But what I've learned after dealing with this type of person, is that things won't be different. They don't apologize or feel remorseful. My NMIL has been the one to basically throw us away. She would do toxic things to my children or slander my marriage and I would try to talk to her about it and she would go crazy and say I'm a drama queen starting drama and say she never wanted to speak with us again. We are back to that place again for other toxic horrible reasons. My opinion, is this is a trap. What you say shall be used against you. And unless she can say she has wronged you and your DH, then what is there to even talk about? Unless she is wanting to talk to apologize for all of the grief and hurt she has put you through, then what is the point? Seems to be she is trying to regain your trust so that she can try to control DH again. Atleast that is what my NMIL has always been about. Control. And since we have never needed her help, especially financial help, that was just another reason for her to resent us, but really me. Stay strong. If you do decide to speak with her, I would hear her out.. but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. And if you feel like this phone call me would set you back and put in a place where you were 6 years ago. I wouldn't do it. Stay strong love. Sometimes these people are better to love from a far.

[roughdiamonds1]

I think I would just re-iterate parts of what has been said above. You said so clearly in one of your responses that you don't want to have a relationship, and going into the where's and why's and how's of what brought you to that decision will not change that fact. It sounds like deep down you know what you want and what you need is your husband to back you up and for you to feel it's okay to continue on your chosen path.

All my life, I grew up thinking and believing that when conflict happened, it could be repaired by listening and talking and compromising and being open to each other. I still do think those are the ways to dealing with conflict and differences of opinion. But when I met my ex husbands family, those techniques just didn't work. Personality disorders change those basic rules of engagement. Conversations don't mean anything because they are very much tied to the story and dialogue in their own heads, and their inability to feel into someone else's experience.

My husband has on many occasion explained to his mother why I am NC with her, yet she keeps asking the same questions every few months. She forgets that the last time I spoke to her, she told me she wanted to cut off all communication with me... and seeing as this was the fourth time she'd done that and I could see the clear pattern and cycle of how these situations keep unfolding, I decided that was the last and finally blocked her number. I haven't seen or spoken to her in about 6 months, even though she lives just down the road.

Both my ex and I have sought advice from psychs on how to deal with the constant questions of why and asking if I don't care about other people, and asking whether they can speak to me. It's stressful for my exH because he's had the same conversation so many times and he sees the pain and upset in his mother's face, and he wants to stop that feeling for her.

Our psychs both suggested we concentrate on the result we want, not what has been and gone... I.e. I think we all can agree a lot has happened, and XX would like to have some space.

If they push, just say I'll have to talk to you another time and leave the conversation there. And that's all you ever really need to say. In my opinion, this conversation is much better had from your husband to your MIL. The effects of such a conversation on you would possibly be detrimental, and that's all that's important at the end of the day, protecting yourself from harm.

Best of luck!