My crazy mother

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soccer23

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My crazy mother
« on: May 18, 2020, 01:05:24 PM »
So I decided it was time to introduce my boyfriend to my family because I was tried of having to hid him. My mother is UnBPD, when we first got their my mother was cooking dinner and came out of the kitchen with a knife that she kept pointing at us for about 15 minutes. Then during dinner she accused him of abusing me because I have a bruise on my arm (which I bruise extremely easily and its from a hot tub). Then while we were playing games, she proceeded to yell at me, call me crazy, tell me that I make up everything to make her seem crazy in front of him. I have made the step to move out of my parents house and I thought everything was getting better but after last night I cannot stop crying and wishing I had different parents who I wasn't so embarrassed of. I want to just ghost them and pretend like they never existed? I that even a option??   

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Andeza

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2020, 01:26:02 PM »
Short answer, yes it is an option.

I'm glad to hear you're taking steps to move out as it seems like a very unhealthy situation that may stunt your personal development. It's hard to be our true selves when there's a PD in the house. From your description it sounds as though your M was projecting quite intensely through the evening. She sits there and calls you crazy when she's really the one in need of help. It also sounds like an attempt at sabotaging your relationship with your boyfriend. If she can make you look crazy then he goes away and you go back to doing your "job" whatever it happens to look like in your family. With my UbpdM that meant living at home, dealing with threats to demand rent, while also having the specter of caring for her in her old age hanging around in the background. Lucky me I left. :yes:

You say you were hiding the fact you have a boyfriend. Was it for fear they would be angry/mess things up/judge you? If so, then introducing him was a brave step. However it is likely what set your M off for the night. Do they know you're planning to move out? If they do then that's probably why they've been on good behavior lately. Any time a PD fears they're losing control they'll either double down and increase the pressure, or temporarily enact good behavior so you "forget" about the abuse.

Now, long answer to your initial question. What you're describing is No Contact. No contact is a position we take to protect ourselves from abuse when it is clear that the pwPD is not going to change. They won't seek help or treatment or if they do they only find a way to further their narrative. When the abuse does not improve, and we reach either the end of our rope or a point in our healing when we realize the relationship is simply not sustainable, then we go no contact. For some it's short term to engage in introspection and figure out what to do next. For some it's permanent. It depends entirely on the individual and the situation. It may or may not be right in your circumstances, but that's up to you to decide for yourself.

And I'll offer some completely unsolicited advice as well. Many on this forum that came from a home where one or both parents were pwPDs find themselves later involved romantically with a pwPD as well. There is a tendency for us to not listen to our gut instincts and end up in a relationship with a narc or a BPD individual because it's just what we're accustomed to and we don't see the red flags. I sincerely hope your boyfriend is an excellent and upstanding individual, but I also advise allowing the relationship to stretch on for some time. PwPDs are frequently unable to maintain the mask of "normalcy" for more than a few months or a year. Because of that, they usually initiate "whirlwind" romances, seeking to lock their partner/victim into the situation. Please be careful. Please take care of yourself and always keep your eyes open.

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Starboard Song

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2020, 01:39:14 PM »
Ghosting is an option, but it is the option of last resort. They'll still exist, ghosted or not. They'll be unchanged. And now they'll be pissed. Over and over, I feel like I see people doing best with NC who attempted boundaries and reduced contact first. Maybe they achieved peace sooner. Maybe they lost fewer friends and family in the crossfire of the "breakup." Or maybe they feel less guilt and more peace with their ultimate decision.

My wife and I are 4 1/2 years NC from my in-laws. They implemented one Silent Treat too many, and were verbally abusive in their rejection of us for months, so we explained that they couldn't have any contact with our home (even our kids) until they could seek a relationship with our family as a whole. And it was the right thing to do.

So for us, we crossed the last bridge to long-term NC, probably permanent. And that may be in your future. The point is that you cannot tell, and none of us can tell, what is going to work for you. But you can consider your options and their impacts. You can check out What To Do in our toolbox.

Remember that your goal is to achieve your own long-term happiness, and to provide yourself with the chance to thrive. It is your job to thrive. While you want to be kind, you may not be able to make your parents pleased with what this will take for you. That is Their Stuff, not yours.

Be good! Be strong!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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soccer23

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2020, 02:40:11 PM »
I have already moved out and I have been moved out for about 4 months now. Since I have moved out my mother has became a lot nicer, I got a false sense of hope thinking everything was better, I fell for her trap. I was hiding my boyfriend because my family has never been able to love me in any way therefore I assumed they wouldn't be able to love him in any way, I was trying to protect him. I have also dated a lot of guy before him that were just like my mother and this guy has proven to be a lot different thus far, plus I have a lot of therapist friends who have met him and who know my history so they kept their eyes open
« Last Edit: May 18, 2020, 02:48:36 PM by Starboard Song »

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Andeza

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2020, 04:23:03 PM »
Oh excellent, soccer! I misunderstood the out of the house bit, but I'm so happy you're not still living with your parents! And Starboard put much more eloquently what I was trying to say, thank you.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the dysfunctional family dynamics. I think we all wish we had "normal" parents. I'm also glad you've got friends who've got your back and are helping you keep an eye on who you're dating. That is a tremendous blessing to have people like that in your life. :D

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Starboard Song

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2020, 04:56:59 PM »
I have already moved out and I have been moved out for about 4 months now.

I'm so very happy for you!

Getting out and getting a little distance helps. Now start thinking about Boundaries. Good boundaries will not seek to control or fence in your parents. Good boundaries are an expression of what you will and will not do, or engage with. And to be administrable, boundaries must be enforceable without resorting to nuclear options. You need never tell anyone what your boundary is: it is not a rule to be followed by them. If you ever express it, you may only do so as a straightforward rationale for your own behavior.

If I were at a dinner party and any guest yelled at me and said I was crazy, and that I was lying, I'd be a stone: "I can see you are very upset, and I regret that. I didn't mean to say anything untrue, and I do not believe myself to be crazy, nor will I stay to hear others say that I am. If you can calm down, and if we can change the subject, we can continue with dinner. If not, me and my date need to leave you for the evening. We can get together another time when it is better for all of us."

And I mean it: I really talk like that in these situations. You'd be amazed how well it works. If that didn't work -- if there was one more word of abuse, other than a grumbling mutter on the way back down to decency -- I'd politely stand, express my regrets, and politely leave. Nothing makes a rock angry. Nothing can do that. The rock just does what it does.

I share all that just to create a vision of how very calm and in charge you can be. How calm and in charge of yourself you have the right to be. You need never again spend more than 3 minutes experiencing the things that occurred at this recent event. By minute 2, you have the right to calmly express your need for quiet, or to not be insulted. And then you have the right to calmly excuse yourself. I promise, though, the power is all in the calmness. When we raise our voices we have joined them in the mud.

Please do read a lot here, and imagine how good it would feel to know that nothing less than literal shackles will ever again suffice to trap you in any conversation of abuse.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2020, 04:58:31 PM by Starboard Song »
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Starboard Song

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2020, 06:13:59 PM »
soccer, I believe I owe you some advice from my wife. For anyone in your circumstance, she always tells me to make this clear:

"Read Self-Compassion, by Neff. Do it today. Do not fail on any account to read it cover to cover this week."
          - My wife

She says that if she'd read Self-Compassion 25 years ago, she knows we'd be in a different place today. Still NC with her folks, but way healthier and happier and more secure, and without  the terrible scar on our family of going NC while our son was a teenager. We'd have gone NC, most likely, long long before.

We agree, my wife and I, that we will never again tolerate from a loved one what would never pass for civilized behavior from a stranger.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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nanotech

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Re: My crazy mother
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2020, 10:26:56 PM »
Iím LC with my dad ( not that heís noticed!) and NC with two siblings. Reason I still see dad is that I put down boundaries and even though he didnít like them, he eventually accepted them. I was prepared to lose dad when I set out to make the changes, but I didnít.
I did lose two of my siblings. Both UNPD (though sis may be UNBPD) eventually to virtual NC.
They decided to ignore my boundaries and they couldnít give up the abusive behaviour.
I didnít get angry I just grey rocked them. One  then ghosted me and the other one tried to ghost me but ended up accusing me of being crazy, and then when I still didnít answer his texts, he texted my oldest ( adult)daughter  and questioned my sanity!
 How lovely of him! 🤣
 He also tried to get to me through my dad, but the new boundaries with dad worked really well. With one grey rock answer I calmly shut dad down on the subject, and he wasnít able to triangulate effectively.
The broken record technique works well too. When they ask probing questions trying to stir up a response from you, just calmly repeat a general phrase. For example,
Ď Iíve made my decision on that.í Donít give them whys or youíll get into explaining yourself.

 Now and again a flying monkey asks me to Ďreach outí . Most recently the pandemic had been flung in my face as a time for Ďreaching out.í
 I just Grey rock it and I donít JADE. No big explanations and I donít  lay blame on them as if in my own defence. I donít defend. Itís pointless  and it suggests that Iím answerable to them, and it drags me back into the ndrama.
 I say that these  are unhealthy relationships  and Iíve moved away from those. I donít require their consent or their approval.
Iím a grown adult and if I donít wish to gather round a table with people who are not nice to me, who are actually often horrible to me, and who never ever have my back, then thatís fine.
Being related isnít a golden ticket 🎫 for the life-long abuse of an individual.

They have to realise that they do not own us and cannot use us in cruel ways that will stroke  their own egos and distract them from looking at their own fears of inadequacy, which are many.

But it gets you nowhere to say any of these truths to them in detail. Theyíd simply  enjoy the drama and will argue with it all with great glee. To dance their dance is to join in with the madness.
Just politely leave the circle ⭕️ of abuse thatís currently around you. Youííll blossom.

 If their craziness tries to find me I have my boundaries now.
I state to them that  that this is what Iím doing, or not doing,  and thatís that.
I donít worry about what others think. I donít let them blackmail or guilt me into pretending to the world that everything in our family is wonderful. I donít do that any more.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2020, 10:52:13 PM by nanotech »