Took NPD parent in for lockdown

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nonnymouse1981

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Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« on: May 19, 2020, 05:22:06 AM »
Must be mad. We need to isolate strictly and do does textbook NPD mother due to health problems. Because she relied on numerous care visits as well as me to provide meals we decided that she needed to move here to keep everyone safe and eliminate contact with other people. I would do the carer roles too. For some reason I imagined that once she wasnít lonely and had every need catered for that she would be immensely appreciate and grateful and stop being the bitter, angry character that I gave the benefit of the doubt to being caused by her previous isolation. Well I guess you can write the rest of this story... How on earth do I cope with this now itís going on in my own (previously happy) home??

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2020, 10:51:47 AM »
Ugh I feel you and I was free living some distance away and relocated my family to "help" provide care that wasn't at all needed but I was fooled into thinking it was because I was so deep in the fog and thought they'd changed. First what's done is done. If there's a way to get out of it and change it back work to do so actively. If there is a medical emergency get her professional help even if she protests. They may be able to get her into a better facility of some sort depending on what happens.

In the meantime, is there a way to create your own space and keep her space separate and any common space separate? Keep your private area for yourself, set up self care, prepare to be able to spend extended time there. Keep a coffee pot, electric tea kettle, snacks, whatever you need to keep you from coming into the common area.

Check the Toolbox for Medium Chill method for interacting, My Stuff Your Stuff to help choose to disengage, and Working on Yourself for some self care tips. Make time for self care as much as possible, either pockets of time or head to your room an hour or more before actual bedtime.

Is it possible to think of her as a roommate or is more hands on care absolutely needed? If she needs actual medical care like nursing connect with professionals. If she needs meals, connect to services that provide.
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
∑ If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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nonnymouse1981

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Re: Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2020, 12:35:19 PM »
Thanks for your reply.
On the positive side she doesnít really use communal areas due to limited mobility. She does require full care though, including personal hygiene, so thatís not easy. I find it difficult to manage due to her hostile attitude and accusations that Iím a bully etc. Often for such crimes as having a ďlookĒ in my eye or that I sighed when picking up a piece of rubbish (unbeknownst to me) in a manner which implied criticism of her. There isnít really a way to undo the current situation until things change re covid but Iím finding it very depressing having this influence in my own home. The frequent criticism and not knowing when Iím going to put a foot wrong really shakes my self confidence and belief in myself. I was seeing a counsellor before all this and have been offered phone appointments but donít want to waste her time as Iíve only got myself to blame for choosing to get into this situation.

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Amadahy

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Re: Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2020, 11:20:06 PM »
I am so sorry!  I took my Nmom in February, 2016 and had to evict her August, 2016 after her behavior reactivated my C-PTSD.  Taking her in was the single worst mistake of my life.  She is now in her own place with much of the help your mother probably would get.  There is NO WAY I could do personal care for her as she was sexually inappropriate when I was growing up. 

Does she have the means to hire someone to help with personal care or other things?  Just giving her room and board is valuable; it would not be too much to have her hire extra help or for you to coordinate with her money. Often, CNAs or SRNAs are looking for part-time situations and are quite reasonable. I know we are best off social distancing now, so that does add a level of difficulty.

Please consider the phone counseling.  So, you made a mistake ... we all do this.  Growing up in PD-land makes us think a mistake means we are a bad person or undeserving of care.  This is not true!  You will feel better just having someone to affirm your value and help you seek ways to cope.

I will hope the very best situation works out and that your home can return to the peaceful haven that you deserve.   :hug:
« Last Edit: May 19, 2020, 11:22:16 PM by Amadahy »
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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2020, 08:19:08 AM »
Oh boy. That's so much to take on...

Quote
want to waste her time as Iíve only got myself to blame for choosing to get into this situation.
you need support and this person can offer support. "waste of time" "blame" that's the programming talking, your mother's voice in your head. Call your counselor. Get support.

As it is caregivers need support. You need extra. At least grant yourself the grace you never got from your mother. Take care of yourself.

You can't offer care to others even non PD if you don't care for yourself. You need to pour into yourself before you have anything to pour into others, even the best of others. Even more so in your situation.

Get her visiting nurses, you are not a nurse. Get support for her. You will fray and crumble otherwise.

Even if you just read about caregiver support. Know you need it and deserve it. Punishing yourself isn't going to help. "Make your own bed and lie in it" is faulty and twisted reasoning.
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
∑ If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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lkdrymom

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Re: Took NPD parent in for lockdown
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2020, 03:01:51 PM »
Thanks for your reply.
On the positive side she doesnít really use communal areas due to limited mobility. She does require full care though, including personal hygiene, so thatís not easy. I find it difficult to manage due to her hostile attitude and accusations that Iím a bully etc. Often for such crimes as having a ďlookĒ in my eye or that I sighed when picking up a piece of rubbish (unbeknownst to me) in a manner which implied criticism of her. There isnít really a way to undo the current situation until things change re covid but Iím finding it very depressing having this influence in my own home. The frequent criticism and not knowing when Iím going to put a foot wrong really shakes my self confidence and belief in myself. I was seeing a counsellor before all this and have been offered phone appointments but donít want to waste her time as Iíve only got myself to blame for choosing to get into this situation.

How do you react when she is hostile or critical of you and your help? If she calls you a bully, maybe you should be one.  On another site I frequent someone was upset because they lost their cool and yelled back. The interesting thing was...it got their abusers attention.  Sometimes you have to give back as good as you are getting.  What would happen if the next time she tore into you, you responded that she had some nerve after all you have been trying to do for her.  She is counting on you not fighting back. She gets to dump on you and it makes her feel better but hurts you to no end.  Try not letting her get away with bad behavior. My father was terrified of his mother and I couldn't understand why. She did not support him, she had nothing to hold over him. Yet he was terrified of making her mad.