Afraid I’m not strong enough to leave

[Laura666]

Every time he's dumped me he ends up almost immediately moving in with the woman he cheated on me with. I know I have to leave, it's too late to fix. The last time he left I fell into a deep depression, attempted suicide and was inpatient for a few weeks. I don't think I'm prepared to go through it again, knowing my worst nightmare is happening in real time. I don't have health insurance so I can't see a therapist, and I feel like I will definitely need one if I leave him. How can I muster the strength to get through it?

[bloomie]

Hi there - I am so sorry for how you are hurting. There are some free resources if you feel yourself slipping into a dangerous place emotionally I want to share with you found here: https://outofthefog.website/emergency

Something that you may not have considered in this relationship is that you may have developed something I have learned about called Trauma bonds. There is healing and hope possible as we learn why we are so incapacitated by the thought of losing someone who is not trustworthy and who is harmful to us.

Here is some info and reading that can be really helpful and reassuring I have found:
The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, Patrick Barnes

and more help found here: https://www.thehotline.org/2018/07/31/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/

Take it one step at a time and when you are able come back and let us know how you are doing.

[Laura666]

Thank you, I will check these out.

[Codeep]

There is a reason we are in the "committed to working on it" section of the forum.  I have multiple excuses for not leaving.  This has been going on for 24 years. I sympathize!

[PeanutButter]

I eventually did leave.

But I did feel the same way for many years that included suicidal ideations and hospitalations. I put up with all manner of humiliating abuse, devalueing, and discarding.

I was making a choice to settle for a terrible relationship over no relationship.

Being tortured was not better than being alone. Because I was being emotionally and psychologically tortured in the relationship.

My self esteem was part of the reason I would not expect better for myself.

I did deserve better! But as long as I didnt demand better he was going to continue just as he always had.

[Kat54]

Its incredibly hard to leave, and the relationship kills your self esteem, your sense of self worth.  I went through extreme emotional turmoil, was self harming and had suicidal thoughts as the only way out. One step at a time.  This board is very supportive and has a lot of information in seeking out help.