Realizations

[Justme729]

After a lifetime of dealing with my BPD mother, I'm dealing with issues with my spouse.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, we are stuck in this horrible cycle.  I've been beat down and broken.   Feeling like an absolute failure and not good enough.   I've gone from a strong woman to being afraid to make decisions without talking to him.  I've kept my mouth shut when I should have spoken up.  I've made excuse after excuse for his behavior, his temperament, and everything in between. 

He was babbling on about his plans for the backyard.   I said "whatever you want to do is fine with me" in a very defeated tone.  We were supposed to get a fence.   He vetoed it stating some medical bills for our children.   Somehow he has money for yard equipment and redoing the patio and more.   Whatevs.  He said I was just picking a fight, but I realized the last 10 or so years of our marriage that's all it's been.   We can't do abc because of something else and he hangs that something else over my head.  Constantly.   

I called him out on it.  It's always "I know I need to do better", "it's hard to change", blah blah blah.   I told him I want a divorce.   I am tired of fighting for our marriage when he continues to show he doesn't seem to care. 

But, I don't know if I mean it. I don't know if I can make it financially.  I mean I'm sure I could.   I just don't want to not see my kids everyday.   That's why I haven't left before.   I don't know what to do anymore.   Things aren't OK and he doesn't seem to get it at all. 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Please check out the TOOLBOX tab for strategies that might be suitable for your situation. Whether you stay or you leave does not have to be decided now. You can make preparations while you take your time to decide. First gather all the information you need. Get help for your emotional well being. Start building up your self confidence that seems to have suffered in this marriage.
You will find a lot of information and support on this forum. See you around on the boards!

[Justme729]

Thank you.  I am seeing a therapist and we have talked about these issues.   It is hard to talk over telehealth visits though.  It isn't the same level of privacy.   

What I'm most fearful about is if we aren't together having to split custody of our children.  We live in a 50/50 state.   

We did talk last night.   I'm just not optimistic for anything to actually change.  :/

[Bowsy26]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.  There is a lot of good information on this website.  Under "Book Review" (scroll towards the bottom) where people have listed books that help them.  I found that very helpful.  "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:  How to End the Drama and Get on With Life" was a book that opened my eyes.  My H is very manipulative and I'm currently reading Melody Morningstars' "The Narcissists Playbook".  If you like to read and gather information, you might find a book that speaks to you.