Coming Out of the FOG about co-dependency, and I'm angry

[Wilderhearts]

*heads up: this may be a hard read for parents who've struggled with co-dependency.  I'm pretty clear about how much my mother's codependency has damaged me and our relationship, and how much anger and resentment I feel towards her.*

I've been listening to "Codependent No More" on audiobook, and while I really relate to maybe 70% of the feelings that codependents feel, I guess I relate to probably less than 30% of the behaviours.  While I definitely have some low-key codependent behaviours consistently, it only gets really bad in interactions/relationships with pwPDs (only my uNPDf, really) and, get this, people with more severe codependency, who use guilt, sulking, moping, self-pity, and general "helplessness" to manipulate me into care-taking them.  In short, I exhibit codependent behaviours when people shirk their responsibilities onto me, and I accept them out of, you guessed it, fear, guilt, and obligation.

This has left me absolutely enraged at my mother, who is a classic codependent (also ACON) and ticks all the boxes.  She controls and then persecutes the person she's trying to control for creating the "need" for her to control them in the first place, then paints herself as the victim from being so exhausted and mentally unwell from imposing her controlling care-taking on others.  She assumes too much responsibility and then defects from absolutely ALL responsibility, including taking care of her wellbeing.  She then melts into a puddle of  despair/decompensates and waits for me to pick her up, which I do because I'm afraid she'll commit suicide if I don't.  She dumps her emotional garbage on me without asking, and when I'm too emotionally fatigued from her 3 year-long mental health crisis to support her, guilt trips me, saying "well the depression and anxiety are worse because you've been stressed and busy with work."  Yes, she literally said that.  I'm working in a pandemic response, and was having meltdowns on the job from the pressure.  We all were.

I think this book (which I'm not even finished), has made me come Out of the FOG not so much about my own codependency, but mostly my mother's.  I mostly just thought of her mental health problems as trauma from multiple decades with my malignant narcissist of a father, but now I see just how much she's the victim of her own behaviour.  And I'm Just. So. Angry at her.

I've been reading the book non-violent communication and thought up ways to respectfully express my needs/boundaries (please check in with me before asking for emotional support/talking about your mental health struggles) but I just don't even want to do that.  I want to scream at her, tell her I hate her, tell her she's an f*ing disappointment.  I think I know why - rage releases us from the anxiety of separation.  And that's probably what I want the most: to not be anxious about losing her to suicide, to not be anxious about supporting her when I'm just holding myself together (and getting ZERO support from her), to not experience the anxiety of having a mother who's been emotionally absent for the past three years, due not only to her mental health and trauma, but due to her self-sabotaging behaviour.

I think the hardest thing in this is that I've already lost her so many times because of her mental health crises.  I grieve her every time because I never know if I'll get her back.  It'd just be so much easier to give up on her - it's really the shred of hope that brings the pain to an unbearable level.  I guess a healthier variation of this is to find a way to accept that I just might lose her to suicide, and stop care-taking her in order to control that outcome.  But that doesn't sound great to me either.

[Wilderhearts]

Just realized this may just be me persecuting the object of my rescue, which would be classic codependent behaviour.  SMH. 

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Speaking as a co-dependent xwife to a narcissist and  mother I can relate to your story. You know, of course that you cannot rescue your mother, you can only exhaust yourself by trying. While I was still in the deep of it, my wise daughter pulled away from me for a while, she was not available for me, maybe contacted me once a month, if that - thus forcing me to face my situation without the emotional crotch she was for me.  I firmly believe that it accelerated my coming Out of the FOG. I was not suicidal, so the pressure on her was not that intense.
I don't know where you are, but maybe there is some regime for suicidal people, police, mental hospitals, counselling centres. Maybe you could involve these? Your anger is justified. Your mother should be taking care of you, not the other way round. Even though you are grown up, the relationship could have changed to a mutual respect and support relationship, not the one sided prop up, that you seem to experience. Having to worry about your mother prevents you from taking proper care of yourself. You are neglecting your own well-being and spend your energy on taking care of your mother. Of course you feel frustrated. We feel angry when boundaries are crossed - the anger is an indication that something is not right. Listen to your anger. Ask yourself what you need in that moment, not what your mother needs, what you need.
As hard as it might be, try to respect your mother's choices. She might be terribly unhappy, she might feel helpless, but she chooses to stay with your father, even if she hates herself for it. It is her choice. And hopefully you choose a healthier path for yourself - not using all your energy for the attempt to change someone, however much you love them, who does not want to change. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn, was that you cannot love someone to health. Good luck to you!

[PeanutButter]

I guess a healthier variation of this is to find a way to accept that I just might lose her to suicide, and stop care-taking her in order to control that outcome.

That 'control' is just an illusion any way. If she decides and chooses to suicide you have no control over that. Really you are NOT controlling her.


Just realized this may just be me persecuting the object of my rescue, which would be classic codependent behaviour.  SMH. 

That is great insight. Well done. I find this happens to me also. First I identify the unhealthy behavior in (usually) my FOO. Then I try to observe it in myself (sometime it is a milder version) so I can be the best me possible.

[1footouttadefog]

Coming Out of the FOG about relationships is often like grieving the relationship , the person, and the unrealistic construct we had of who that person was.

One might need to grieve, in the case of a parent, that the parent deserved will never exist and the loss is permanent.

The stages or phases of grief include anger/rage.  It is normal to feel such when coming Out of the FOG.  On a more positive note acceptance is often a later stage of grief and the transition to healing.

I found that the acceptance of reality in who the pwpds in my life really where as opposed to who they shoulda woulda or coulda been was helpful in finding a healthy new normal with each one.
In some cases this meant discontinuing the relationship, in others modifying it, others medium chill.

[Wilderhearts]

Thanks for the validation and reminders, everyone.  I think I needed that more than I knew.

The thing about my mom is that she's a phenomenal woman, in a lot of ways.  Or at least, she has been.  She did divorce our dad after decades of being with him.  She went to great lengths to leave him and protect us when leaving him put us in a lot of danger.  She raised two incredibly traumatized kids with a lot of love, and we weren't easy - mental health and behaviour problems, and my sister has a disability and needed special care.  She was an absolute super mom.  We did have that relationship of mutual respect and support for a while. She even became a sort of best friend.

I helped her find a trauma therapist, and she says it's making a big difference, but she also needs to bring it up every time I see her.  I get needing to normalize mental health conversation but...I've been over this.  She does have a safety plan in place with her GP, and I've looked into which hospital in her hospital region has supportive mental health services in case she really decompensated/has a crisis.  I know what mental health apprehensions and the psych ward are like from working in the inner city/friends' experiences - they're often more traumatic than helpful.

Thank you for letting me know how you and your daughter managed to get to the other side of this, NotRight.  I've definitely pulled back -  just struggle with whether that's an acceptable way of practicing my boundaries, or if it's passive aggressive/unfair to not speak my boundaries.  I have to fight the FOG guilt when I do either - it was so engrained in me that I'm a repulsive human being if I ever prioritize myself.

It's funny how different today is from yesterday.  One, I probably exhausted myself being that angry, but also I fully felt the anger (as you witnessed  ).  I guess we only get to acceptance by first accepting the stage we're in.  Thanks for connecting those grief stages to coming  Out of the FOG, 1Foot.  So many reasons to grieve.

But today was better than yesterday.