The origins of my self sabotage

Started by newlife33, May 20, 2020, 02:26:54 AM

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newlife33

Backstory: I struggle with addiction issues, specifically pornographic fetish videos.  I've been doing well in breaking the habit and have had many streaks of sobriety.

I relapsed pretty hard last week, and it was interesting what happened.  In my head I heard the words "SABOTAGE SABOTAGE SABOTAGE SABOTAGE" over and over and over again.  i ended up relapsing and feeling disgusting and ashamed.

After some introspection, I figured out what it was.  I had a huge weekend planned with lots of fun stuff.  I was also very successful recently financially and my workouts have made me look shredded.  Everything was going well, why the hell would I relapse?

And then it hit me.  When I was a child and was having individual success, it was not met with praise, happiness or love.  It was met with scorn, guilt trips, conceit, sarcasm or the worst of all, ignoring me.  Success began to be associated with negative feelings.  And then one day I must have snapped and went.....maybe it's me, maybe success is bad or I don't deserve it.  From that moment on the self sabotage would be a constant companion.  The only way I could put it at bay was to get rip roaring drunk and only then could I have success (friends, bands, women, and more)

Again, that is NOT healthy.  Having a base level self sabotage and needed addictions to be myself is a fast lane toward destruction.  I got sober and that gave me some clarity and strength.  Now i full see and realize during that time I was also fighting against the self sabotage.

Now I have the self esteem and strength to finally fully feel and understand the sabotage.  The relapse i fully believe will be the last one.  I now understand why it happens, I understand the feeling and I know it is IRRATIONAL.  The thought is not me, it is the training from toxic people, and I can and will undo it!

1footouttadefog

Identifying the why's and triggers in such situations can be helpful to be sure.

Being able to identify the feelings as just that and that they can exists and will not kill me and the emotions do not get to demand specific actions was helpful to me.   I see emotions as brain chemistry, a body function so to speak.  No different than sweating from heat and exercise, hunger, or stubbing my toe.  I still get to decide how to respond.

I am not my feelings, they are a response to stimuli mixed with a complicated database that I did not get to entirely control the data entry process or formulas for.

GettingOOTF

I self sabotage a lot too.

As a child I also didn't receive any praise for accomplishments. In fact I was mocked relentlessly by my family. Growing up us kids only received attention for negative things.

I still haven't connected with my triggers yet but I def see a pattern.

I do know that most of our behaviors are from our "training" and we can break patterns and rewire our brains.

It's great that you are seeing such progress.

For me I'm in the best shape I've been in in my life and recently I started up again with the bad eating and drinking habits. It's ridiculous. I have no idea why I do this. I'm working on moving forward right now not back sliding like I usually do.

Pepin

My husband also struggles with this....I caught him yesterday having a tiny relapse but didn't say anything.  But, I was not myself for the rest of the day...when I should have been more attentive and caring toward my husband.

Any time he has a relapse, I look at what is going on around him.  And each and every time.....it has been a combination of work stress and his mother (PDmil) getting on his case with ridiculous demands.  He is still very much in the fog with her...some of it is cultural, sadly.  There is no doubt that she considers me a threat because DH spending time with me or our family takes time away from her....and that eats at him as well.  I've tried to be as neutral as I can about all of this but...as a wife I have limits, too.

And the other component to all of this is that others in our age range have been having marriage issues....some have lost parents....just some overall major stressors....and they all unload to DH.  No doubt it is exciting for him to hear about their dating prospects and all that....and it must be hard for him to be reminded that he is kind of tied to the ball and chain....both with me and his mother....though I like to think that he really did want to spend forever with me....it is just that his d*mn mother keeps getting in our way.

I am super proud of you for recognizing your triggers.

Feeling sick

I've been thinking about this for a bit and think I set myself up for the relationship I have, I have a pd mother and felt criticised all the time , nothing I did was right, I was always on the defensive with her(still am) . So when I met my partner, it was very familiar, a role I slipped into without even noticing, walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset them, grateful for the positives , never really believing in myself, no boundaries all of that. And now, we are in this cycle, but I'm even more unsure, I'm just waiting to say something,do something that is bad or wrong. He doesn't trust me, doesn't like any of my friends, work colleagues, or family. He says he loves me,  but I can't relax, I am once again walking on those eggshells. 
When I say any of my feelings, they are always ignored or not accepted. I've sabotaged my chances of normal, and repeating my poor step- fathers.

newlife33

Quote from: Feeling sick on June 06, 2020, 12:44:36 PM
I've been thinking about this for a bit and think I set myself up for the relationship I have, I have a pd mother and felt criticised all the time , nothing I did was right, I was always on the defensive with her(still am) . So when I met my partner, it was very familiar, a role I slipped into without even noticing, walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset them, grateful for the positives , never really believing in myself, no boundaries all of that. And now, we are in this cycle, but I'm even more unsure, I'm just waiting to say something,do something that is bad or wrong. He doesn't trust me, doesn't like any of my friends, work colleagues, or family. He says he loves me,  but I can't relax, I am once again walking on those eggshells. 
When I say any of my feelings, they are always ignored or not accepted. I've sabotaged my chances of normal, and repeating my poor step- fathers.

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate and sympathize with you.  I am also getting to the core of a lot of my "training" and how I was "setup" for certain things and ways of living.  I hope you keep healing and recovering.