The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died

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iwillrise

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The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« on: May 20, 2020, 08:48:48 AM »
My dad had a chronic liver condition which got worse year by year. My Nmother abused my codependent dad all of his life, she would explicitly (in front of him) make faces about his way of eating every single time we had a lunch. If he confronted her, she would scream very loudly and act like crazy, she brainwashed us (children) into hating him from a very young age, and yes, we did hate him, and we did even replicate her abuse on him. I regret it very much, I don't know how the hell my perception was so controlled by her, at that time she was very abusive to me, while my dad haven't done anything to me, yet I hated him and loved her.

So, We(my Nmother, younger brother and my little sister) were in a room while many of my dad's friends, relatives, and generally people from our street were in the hall visiting my father, he was on the bed lying in pain. My Nmother went inside the room he was in with other relative and said that he is not moving nor breathing, we called a doctor to come and check his pulse, five minutes later, the doctor arrived, and he said that my dad is dead, I felt very sad, scared, lost, even though I had no any real connection with him, my mother came from outside holding her phone, she gave it to my younger sister and in a very normal tone of voice said: "change my whatsapp status", she wanted a profile picture that shows that she lost someone. This was literally like a minute after the doctor said that. I looked at her and said: "what kind of person are you", she didn't say anything, completely ignored, then my brother (who is as crazy and abusive as her) said "so what? that's normal", referring to my mother's wish to change her whatsapp status. I was very very angry at that time, a normal mother would support her siblings, but this sick narc used my 17 year old sister -who needed support- to change her whatsapp satus directly after my dad died.

The thing is, I questioned myself, I really did think: "what if this is okay and I'm just sensitive", I can't believe that, I was questioning myself over basic morals.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2020, 08:55:39 AM by iwillrise »

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PeanutButter

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2020, 12:59:13 PM »
 iwillrise, im deeply sorry for the pain, confusion, and grief you have and will continue to face. Im so sorry for your loss.

It is extremely disconcerting imo that your M responded to hearing the doctor say your dad was gone by immediately wanting her 'status' changed on whatsapp.

From what you have shared your insticts and feelings about what you experienced are sound.

Your B was gaslighting you ime acting as an enabler and flying monkey for your M.

I understand a little what you went through in your FOO's home.
 Its called 'parental alienation'.  My ubpd/uspdM also did this to me and my 3 siblings about my enD. She said horrible things about him behind his back. She scorned, mocked, and blamed him my whole life. Yet she was the screaming, raging, and fists flying abusive one. He use to have to lock himself in the bedroom to keep from being beat. He didnt ever hit her. Her campaign to make us (his children) hate him mostly worked. Both my sisters did. My brother had a distant relationship with him. All 3 of them believed my M was abused. I was blessed by God and somehow seen through her at an early age. I could hear the hypocrisy. I saw with my own eyes who was being abused. But my enD for the most part did not participate in my upbringing. At one point when he tried to have a say my ubpd/uspdM harrassed, tormented, and bullied him untill he stopped.

My enD is still living but I have already been grieving the loss of my father for many years.

It doesnt make sense that a woman would create a family, only to work everyday to ensure the destruction of each of the family's members. How sad for everyone involved. My M was and is very sick.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2020, 01:02:16 PM by PeanutButter »
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Maxtrem

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2020, 05:23:24 PM »
My sympathies for your father's death. My uBPDM, which also has N traits, always tries to bring everything back to her when there is a death in the entourage. Maybe your mother was trying to do that, your father dies and the first thing she asks is that we concentrate time for her whatsapp. A reflex to draw attention on her, that it's all about her.   

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Seven

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2020, 01:02:25 PM »
The second my mother found out my father had passed (2013) first words out of her mouth were “you left me to deal with Obama on my own!”

I shit you not.  I wish I was kidding.

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blacksheep7

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2020, 02:09:08 PM »
Iwillrise,

Sorry for your loss.  As for your M,  :aaauuugh:  I'm sorry for that also, to not have a good role model.  She needs attention  real bad to feel alive.  It's sad when you think about it.

I can assure you that you will make it out just fine, you have awareness.  Follow your gut, it is  just validating what you feel.

The second my mother found out my father had passed (2013) first words out of her mouth were “you left me to deal with Obama on my own!”

I shit you not.  I wish I was kidding.

No disrespect Seven but that is funny.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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tiger

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2020, 05:29:59 AM »
Iwillrise,

Sorry for your loss. My NPD mother didn't didn't care at all when my brother died. She carried on badmouthing him to me, as she didn't expect me to care either. It's mind boggling how detached they can be from basic human emotions.

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Ladymm

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Re: The first thing my Nmom did when my dad died
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2020, 05:47:57 AM »
Iwillrise,

I am sorry for your loss. Your mother's reaction is so unsupportive and I am sorry for that. If she is a narc, this is what she can do and has no deeper understanding and her reaction is what it was. You were abandoned in a moment of shock and this must be hurtful.

I think how you look when someone dies is a thing for narcissists. When my grandfather died someone gave me condolescences and I smiled vaguely. Just you know, when someone gives you a handshake. And she saw this and shamed me how can I smile in these cases, that this is inappropriate. But later I saw people in other funerals to whom I gave condolescences to smile vaguely, ask me how I was etc. Far from being inappropriate. Also I saw them brought tons of candles to a funeral of some older relative with dark glasses on with far too much drama. I sometimes feel that illness and funerals are narcissist's time to prove how good they are.

Even though your father might have been an enabler, I know, it hurts to replicate abuse your mother instilled in you. But good you recognized and stopped that. This shows you have empathy in you and you are not a narc. Empathy is a very useful gift I am so proud I have it! And you are not the only one who replicated unhealthy behaviours - I did it to. But I try not to blame myself for that, because this was all I knew then, and now I know better. And a child many times can just replicate - even at age 10,12 you are still a child.

I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell