I'm Back Again, But Things Are Getting Worse.

[ScotsLady]

Hi Everyone,
I've been struggling a lot lately and have posted a couple of times here before which was really helpful and decided finally to come back on tonight.  My husband's behaviour seems to be getting more erratic and unpredictable with every passing day - he has Mixed Personality Disorder and OCD.  As previously explained, I am getting some support from my local Carers Centre as am caring for my husband as he can't leave the house due to various phobias and an organisation called Support In Mind.  I also have recently got in touch with Women's Aid again as my husband lashes out a lot at me as well as being really verbally abusive.  I have tried continually to set boundaries and even bite back at times only all of this makes him even worse and more irrational and his paranoia is just unbelievable.  He also self-harms a lot by either cutting his arms or just banging his head off the walls and doors.  His rages are just unbelievable and so scary at times.  I am physically disabled with Spina Bifida, he is my carer, and so not really in a position to get out of harms way at times.  Anyway, I have phoned the police in the past and he was arrested and charged.  Then I stupidly took him back last year and he was ok for a few months and then steadily got worse.

While at times I realise his condition is really complex and he has lots of issues, I can't take the abuse any more and have decided to leave.  So I have this week sent off an application form for housing in the area where I originally am from and Women's Aid are supporting me with this.  Unfortunately there are no available spaces in any refuges just now or I would certainly go.  All of this is just making me feel quite unwell and I just feel totally overwhelmed. 

Tonight he started shouting and swearing at me because I have been in a lot of pain this week and so have been in bed the past 2 days, I get pain from my hip and legs to do with my condition and so not been able to go to the bank or shop for him which I usually can do.  As I say he doesn't leave the house because he can't stand noise from neighbours, hates cars in the street, feels everyone outside is controlling him, etc.  His phobias are totally just getting out of control.  Anyway I suggested that he brave it and go out for himself tonight and he flipped his lid and swore/shouted and lashed out at me.  I'm ok, but he did kick me in the leg and arm.  I'm so close to phoning the police again, but I worry about him being charged and put in prison as I believe he is really mentally unwell and need help with his mental health.   know I am probably making excuses for him and am so confused! He blames everything on my disability and tells me he wouldn't be like this if he was with an able-bodied woman.  Anyway, I apologise for my rant as I just feel so weak just now and at my wits end.  I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for reading.  The brave nature and wonderful companionship of this forum truly inspires me!   

[1footouttadefog]

He has a character issue in addition to any mental health diagnoses.  You don't deserve to be abused and I am glad to read you have made arrangements to leave. 

Perhaps you could discuss some contingencies plans or interim housing while you wait.  At least be prepaid to head to a shelter if he threatens or hurts you again.  Mental illness or not assault is a crime.  Don't hesitate to call for help.

Be safe, I hope a home opens up soon.

[notrightinthehead]

He kicked you in the leg and arm?
That does not sound safe for you. Please call the police! People have died through the hands of their partners. He might be mentally unwell but you are responsible for your own safety. Is there a shelter that you can escape to?

[PeanutButter]

Hi Everyone,
I've been struggling a lot lately and have posted a couple of times here before which was really helpful and decided finally to come back on tonight.  My husband's behaviour seems to be getting more erratic and unpredictable with every passing day - he has Mixed Personality Disorder and OCD.  As previously explained, I am getting some support from my local Carers Centre as I am caring for my husband as he can't leave the house due to various phobias and an organisation called Support In Mind.  I also have recently got in touch with Women's Aid again as my husband lashes out a lot at me as well as being really verbally abusive.  I have tried continually to set boundaries and even bite back at times only all of this makes him even worse and more irrational and his paranoia is just unbelievable.  He also self-harms a lot by either cutting his arms or just banging his head off the walls and doors.  His rages are just unbelievable and so scary at times.  I am physically disabled with Spina Bifida, he is my carer, and so not really in a position to get out of harms way at times.  Anyway, I have phoned the police in the past and he was arrested and charged.  Then I stupidly took him back last year and he was ok for a few months and then steadily got worse.

While at times I realise his condition is really complex and he has lots of issues, I can't take the abuse any more and have decided to leave.  So I have this week sent off an application form for housing in the area where I originally am from and Women's Aid are supporting me with this.  Unfortunately there are no available spaces in any refuges just now or I would certainly go.  All of this is just making me feel quite unwell and I just feel totally overwhelmed.

Tonight he started shouting and swearing at me because I have been in a lot of pain this week and so have been in bed the past 2 days, I get pain from my hip and legs to do with my condition and so not been able to go to the bank or shop for him which I usually can do.  As I say he doesn't leave the house because he can't stand noise from neighbours, hates cars in the street, feels everyone outside is controlling him, etc.  His phobias are totally just getting out of control.  Anyway I suggested that he brave it and go out for himself tonight and he flipped his lid and swore/shouted and lashed out at me.  I'm ok, but he did kick me in the leg and arm.  I'm so close to phoning the police again, but I worry about him being charged and put in prison as I believe he is really mentally unwell and need help with his mental health.   know I am probably making excuses for him and am so confused! He blames everything on my disability and tells me he wouldn't be like this if he was with an able-bodied woman.  Anyway, I apologise for my rant as I just feel so weak just now and at my wits end.  I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for reading.  The brave nature and wonderful companionship of this forum truly inspires me!   

What a heartbreaking situation. I am so sorry that while enduring physical pain (which by itself can be overwhelming) you are being verbally abused, physically abused, and emotionally (possibly financially) held hostage.
What I thought stood out in your post is: (see bolded and underlined)
It is my opinion that even if at the time it was sound decisions, rethinking why he is you carer for your disability while in actuality you are caring for him. It doesn't sound like you are physically able to care for him. He is not even attempting to fulfill his carer duties to you. I understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. How did it get so turned around? Do the CarersCenter know that you are not able to care for him? Do they know that you have no carer for yourself since he is officially your carer yet needs a carer himself and is using you for that? Surely they didnt set it up like this. It is negligence if they did.
I think it is wise to get out. Sooner than later. Report him! Even if he is mentally unwell how does not reporting him help him?

[GettingOOTF]

I'm so sorry. My ex had a lot issues m, both diagnosed and suspected. He had a lot of phobias that impacted our lives negatively.

For years I let his issues be an excuse for him abusing me. Now I wish I had called the police and had him arrested. Especially as he's still harassing me and no one believes me. 

You are being physically and mentally abused. Your husband has serious mental health issues and you are in danger.

If he were to be arrested you would be safer. He is not your carer, he's your abuser. Having him arrested may help move you up on the list.

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. It sounds very overwhelming. I know how frightening it is to leave and how soul destroying it is to stay. Neither of these are easy choices. I hope you choose your own life over his.

[ScotsLady]

Hello Everyone,
Sorry for the slow reply as not been feeling great the past couple of days with pain, but am ok now.  Thank you so much for all of your replies.  I really appreciate it and you are all so very correct in what you are advising me.  I know his problems go well beyond mental health and there is no excuse for it.  I have hardly spoken to him since the incident the other day there to as I am done with him.  Unfortunately, there are no spaces in a refuge at the moment and I'm socially distancing myself from my elderly parents as I don't want to risk their health or I would go to stay with them so am just at home and he hasn't bothered me.  He did try to apologise to me the other day there and I told him where to go, to seek help for his mental health and behaviour and that I wasn't putting up with him any longer. 

He has been my carer since my health deteriorated and I was advised by the Carers Centre that I was caring for him because I do things outside for him, i.e. go to the bank for him, shops, post office and he can't even answer the door as he is scared to look out onto the street because of his phobia.  I know it does seem like a strange arrangement which I am fed up of myself!   I do feel really down but talking does help and I am in contact with Women's Aid weekly who are trying to get me into alternative housing too.  I have always made an excuse that it is his Mixed Personality Disorder and he can't control his emotions as he is up and down all the time, but I guess I can't keep making an excuse for this abuse as it is really affecting me now both physically and emotionally.  I never feel relaxed and am always stressed!  The only thing that keeps me going at home is my cat who I love dearly, but he has even been abusive to her once for which I totally went through him!  He has always been jealous of the cat and hates if I do anything for her.  How pathetic and childish is that?!  I feel a lot of resentment and hatred for him at the moment which I feel bad for feeling because of his mental health, but I feel sorry for him also because when I do leave he will have nobody as he has alienated both his relatives and friends.  I sometimes think he is beyond help!  Thank you for all your caring, kind words and for letting me vent as sometimes I feel that you I am the only one going through this and that I am going mad!  I know that I am being stupid by not phoning the police and probably not helping him, but I know to do it if he starts on me again.  I am going to have a read at more of the posts from the marvellous, brave people on here and the toolbox also for inspiration. 

I clearly have a lot to learn yet!  Thank you once again, I will be fine.  All the best.  xx   

[GettingOOTF]

I have been thinking about you. Glad to see your update.

You aren't being stupid. It's hard to report abuse and it's hard to leave. I was on a call with a police officer this week trying to sort out a restraining order against my ex. I never reported any of the abuse but he believed me and took my concerns seriously.

Hang in there. Do what you feel is best for your situation. My advise is always to leave and get as far away as possible, but I've been there and I know it's much easier said that done.

[PeanutButter]

I did not ever call the police either. How I wish I had. Thats why I want you to.
I understand the joy and love from having a cat 'baby'. I have one too. I actually have three now because when my neighbor passed last year I rescued his two cats that were going to be taken to what was then a kill shelter. But my 'baby' IS my world.
I have a very low tolerance for persons who are mean to animals.
Im glad you have some support and processes in motion to give you hope. Im glad you are a little better.

[ScotsLady]

Hi,
Thank you so much for the lovely, kind replies, they do help me and I have been reading up on the toolbox also so feel energised a bit now. 

I was a bit upset earlier as he got up from his sleep to go to the loo and I wasn't even near him, but when he got back to bed (he sleeps in the living room on a mattress on the floor because he can't sleep next to a wall where someone is through the wall to him!) he stormed in saying he can't sleep now and that is because his system is all away because of the stress of living with me and my disability and how I only cause him trouble, always have done, etc.  I said nothing, but was seething inside and then got upset.  I hate the way he makes me feel and feel totally hopeless at times, but I do have a chink of light knowing that I have sent away my application for housing and have got good support on my side.  I actually feel sorry for him slightly as when I leave he has nobody as his relatives don't bother about him and he has alienated his friends.  He accused me the other night there of always throwing tantrums when he speaks to me, always shouting, being abusive, etc, when it is clearly him doing all this and I don't open my mouth!  I think he is trying to project his bad behaviour on to me! 

Glad to hear that there are others with lovely fur babies too and well done on rescuing your beautiful cats.  Yes, she can't miaow without him moaning and shouting at her either!  I have just had enough and can't wait to get away now as I know he will never change and it's stupidly taken me this long to work that one out!  Thank god for forums like this as they really do help.  I chat and advise people on a disability forum voluntarily which really helps me to focus away from my own problems and help other people.  I feel foolish that I can help other people, but have messed up my own life so much since meeting him!  Thank you again for caring and I hope everyone is doing ok.  You are all marvellous, strong people and I will try to come on here more often as being able to share is empowering!    

[PeanutButter]

Thank you for the good words.
Yes Projection is so unsettling ime. I experienced it to a very large degree.
I've learned to have compassion for my self. I use to feel I had been stupid or foolish. But I will not say that about myself anymore. I dont deserve that.
IMO you dont either.
You know now. You didnt know before. 

[Haiiro Ishi]

Your situation sounds totally unbearable.
He clearly has his problems but forcing someone with a physical disability to run errands for him is low.
Calling the police on him, may not be good for him, but he is giving you no choice by threatening you that way.
How are things now?
Please keep yourself safe.