Interpreting a passage about finding peace

[Duck]

This is from a book called Hidden Valley Road about a family with 12 children,  6 of whom had schizophrenia. There was no mention of PDs in the book, but it was clearly a dysfunctional family and I am reading it as the child of a PD. The 11th and 12th children were the only females. They were both sexually abused by an older brother. There was a lot of neglect and abuse in the house as the parents struggled to cope.

The 12th child (Lindsay) was angry with the 11th (Margaret) for not doing enough for the family. For example, Lindsay provided end-of-life care for the mom but not Margaret. Lindsay got power of attorney and took people to appointments but not Margaret. I would be interested in people’s thoughts. I do not agree with what Lindsay says about embracing the cards you are dealt. This passage has been bothering me, I think particularly because Lindsay says she got her philosophy from a therapist.

“Only now that their mother wasn’t there as a shared focus for them did Margaret see how far apart she and her sister had grown. “Michael and Lindsay don’t like it that I don’t go in with them on the family dysfunction,” Margaret said, “but the boundary is helpful to me.”

Lindsay believed that Margaret saying that contact with the family was unhealthy for her was little more than a dodge—an attempt to preempt any criticism that she, Margaret, wasn’t helping enough. As Lindsay saw it, Margaret’s passion for self-care was really about her own unresolved fury. “She’s got a much higher level of anger towards my mother and my father for how they handled it,” Lindsay said. “She has a lot of anger towards my mentally ill brothers, particularly Donald and Jim. I still see a pretty big victim there.”

Lindsay repeated something she learned from Louise Silvern, her old therapist, and also from Nancy Gary, and, if she’s being honest with herself, from her own mother. “They taught me to embrace the cards you are dealt or it will eat you alive. If you go to the heart of your own matter, you will find only by loving and helping do you have peace from your own trauma.” This, in her view, was the major difference between her and her sister.

“We both have worked very hard to save ourselves,” Lindsay said. “But she didn’t see trying to help them as any part of that, whereas I did.”

[Andeza]

This... I don't know why it did, but it made me think of a story from the Bible. I realize this is not the religious section, but I think it has value outside that interpretation here. To paraphrase, Mary and Martha were sisters. Jesus and his disciples came to visit and Martha was running around seeing to it that everyone was fed, things were tidied, and whatnot. Mary sat at Jesus' feet and just listened. At one point Martha gets angry and tells Jesus to tell her sister Mary to help her do, well, all the things.

Now, Martha wasn't a bad sister, and neither was Mary (Nor were they either of them bad Christians). It just so happened that each served and found fulfillment in their lives in very different ways. The problem arises when Martha tries to dictate that Mary must serve in the same manner she does, as though her way is the only right way.

As I'm reading that passage from your book, Duck, I see the pattern reflected in the stance of the two sisters. For one, she finds her healing in being engaged and involved, whereas the other finds her healing and peace in distance. Similarly, some members of this forum have found immense peace in care-taking their disordered parents through the end, while others have been immensely grateful that they remained no contact or low contact to stay out of the mess.

I do not believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach to pwPDs in our lives. From what you've shared, the sister Lindsay fully believes her way is the right way and Margaret is merely shirking responsibility. For some, the idea that there is more than one way to deal with a situation is a foreign concept. The "my way or the highway" types would fall into that category. I notice, interestingly, that Margaret does not criticize her sister and brother (at least not in this selection), merely states that they are unhappy with her stance. In comparison, Lindsay criticizes her sister's approach and presumes that Margaret will not find peace or healing until she changes her ways.

I believe that is the part that has me shaking my head. The fact that Lindsay presumes she knows what's best for another.

[Free2Bme]

Excellent point Adenza, well said.

[Duck]

Andeza, wise words.

[PeanutButter]

Yes i agree if lindsay had true peace she would not be judgemental of Margaret.
It sounds like lindsay has the mind of a controller.
I feel like I have learned that peace and compassion are hand in hand.

[Duck]

I have been thinking more about it and part of what bothers me is the indifference to any damage Margaret might accrue. I have a sister and I would never wish her to accumulate more damage than she already has. This other way of thinking decrees that someone must absorb damage because you decided they must. It seems to assume you know how much collateral damage will occur and how much is acceptable. It is a bit like playing God.

[PeanutButter]

I have been thinking more about it and part of what bothers me is the indifference to any damage Margaret might accrue. I have a sister and I would never wish her to accumulate more damage than she already has. This other way of thinking decrees that someone must absorb damage because you decided they must. It seems to assume you know how much collateral damage will occur and how much is acceptable. It is a bit like playing God.

Wow that absolutely true.