Constant Fighting

[soccer23]

I AM SO OVER EVERYTHING,

Okay so my best friend and I have been "fighting" for multiple months. She called me out the other day because I chose to hang out with my boyfriend which I told her I would check with him before I made any serious plans. I admitted that I messed up and I didn't tell her that I wasn't coming over but then she started to say that  I make her out to be crazy and that I have been a shitty friend. Her and her husband have been fighting non-stop and I am her only friend and she expects to me be her number one support system. I told her that I am tried of feeling guilty for being happy and tired of fighting for a friendship that makes me feel bad.

Well we also happen to work together and my work is my family that isn't toxic and I don't want this to impact that. I have told my supervisor and this has happened before and she gave me dirty looks and the silent treatment for a week...

I feel guilty because I never stand up for myself and I feel like I have hurt her feelings which I know is not in my control, I have had my army of friends tell me that I am a great friend and be here for me but part of me thinks maybe I am crazy...... I don't know how to feel.

[clara]

A friendship that makes you feel bad isn't a friendship, it's an endurance contest.  Relationships are a two-way street, not one-sided where someone does all the work.  Sounds like this friend wants to control the relationship shots and doesn't want to take into consideration your side of things.  She may actually see your side, but doesn't want to give you that autonomy.  She may see it as something being taken away from her (her control) and the fact that she doesn't seem to have any other friends says a lot about her and her inability to maintain friendships.  It's unfortunate you work together, but an effective working relationship doesn't have to include friendship outside of the workplace.  I know a lot of people have an idea that it does, that being friends at work and at home is the ideal situation but when something like this occurs you get into a a dilemma.  Better to be "friendly" with her at work than friends, and don't allow her to bring your past relationship into any work discussions.  Just keep it friendly, but impersonal.  Don't do anything that will give her cause to take affront, keep a neutral stance, so if she starts complaining or acting out she has no basis for doing so.  If she's looking to make you responsible for her hurt feelings, don't allow her.  She can't legitimately complain of a hurt when you've done nothing to hurt her.

[TurkeyGirl]

Oh, my, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It must be difficult for your lives to be as intertwined as they are. Just know that hurting her feelings is not possible to avoid (there's a reason you're her only friend). Besides, when I was in your situation there was literally NOTHING I could do right. Asking her how she was doing made her mad (I was belittling her). Not asking her how she was doing also made her mad (I wasn't interested enough). I couldn't win, and neither can you. Listen to the army of friends, love yourself. She's not going to do it.