Door slamming triggering trauma response - how to talk to roommate

[Wilderhearts]

My roommate's struggling with pandemic/work stress, and her way of experiencing and expressing her anger and frustration is to slam doors hard enough to shake the house 6 times in 90 seconds, all day long.  That was usually uNPDf's code for "I'm restraining myself from murdering you, but barely" or my sister's way of baiting him to fight. 

I work from  home in our common space - it's all one big open space.  I was on a very frustrating, convoluted call when she started having an online exercise date without using headphones, talking above normal volume in the common space.  I tried to deal but couldn't focus and had to tell her I couldn't hear my call.  She ended her date immediately (instead of just lowering her voice or getting out headphones), and the slamming for the rest of the day was extremely aggressive, when it hadn't been that violent in the morning.  I left the house as soon as I was done work - couldn't bear to be there, and didn't feel safe.  She apologized for being "loud and grumpy" when I came back - I didn't try to have a conversation then about the door slamming cause her boyfriend was with her.

At my last house, door slamming was also a tactic that my uOCPD roommate used once I started being more assertive - it was an attempt to intimidate and keep the upper hand.  I learned the hard way that confronting people about passive aggressive behaviours can get super ugly super fast - they use passive aggression cause they have no healthy ways of dealing with anger. 

I'm so beyond triggered - I've been in and out of trauma responses all day, having dizzy bouts where I start to dissociate and the room starts to spin, I'm tense and on edge, jumpy, my breathing is strained, and I'm constantly clenching my jaw.  I find I'm randomly holding back tears.

I know I need to talk to her, but the trauma from PD'd abuse from the other door slammers in my life is making it exceptionally hard to do that, even though she's not passive aggressive in other ways, and she's responded respectfully when I've communicated clearly in the past.  I'm also trying to keep in mind that some people are just louder than others, and there are certain things you can't really expect people to change, especially in a roommate dynamic.

Suggestions on how to broach the subject?

[PeanutButter]

IME if she has already apologised for being loud and grumpy what conversation is there to have?


IMO not knowing how to cope with emotions internally means it would be easier to ask her not to slam doors when she is angry, but I dont recommend that ime.

[notrightinthehead]

Wilderhearts I also live with a person who slams the doors,  sometimes so much that I feel the house shakes, although that might be my imagination. As a survivor of childhood abuse I react with fear and freeze when doors are slammed, kitchen utensils are banged, voices are raised. There is nothing I can do about that, it has been programmed, probably hard wired into me - at one stage in my life it was neccessary for my survival.
Now I know that my response is a remnant of my past, that my neighbours door slamming may or  may not have anything to do with me, most probably more to do with herself, I try not to take things personally, and that her door slamming will only bother me if I want it to bother me. It is loud, yes, it gives me a short fright, yes, followed by the relief that it has nothing to do with me, I am safe, I can cope. I have learned that I cannot control my environment, also I don't want to be the person that everybody has to tiptoe around (not that my neighbours would) because I might also have habits that irritate others and I expect them to be tolerant of me too.
Back to your situation - you seem to be able to stand up for yourself as you asked you roommate to turn it down, you removed yourself from the anxious making door slamming. You were looking out for yourself. Now you can choose to explain your situation to your roommate - what the door slamming triggers in you and how unpleasant these feelings are for you. Then it is up to her to choose to either continue or find another outlet for her frustration. I suggest hitting cushions, that is less noisy. Be aware though, that your feelings are yours to own and deal with - no matter how much slamming she does. 
Do not blame yourself that you have not yet confronted her about it. This causes you anxiety.  It is unpleasant. Take the time you need to be in a calm, collected state and then have the talk. So far, it seems you are taking good care of yourself.

[Wilderhearts]

I try not to take things personally, and that her door slamming will only bother me if I want it to bother me. It is loud, yes, it gives me a short fright, yes, followed by the relief that it has nothing to do with me, I am safe, I can cope.

This has been my approach with her for years - although she is noticeably frustrated and grumpy when slamming doors, and I've occasionally wondered if it has to do with me, I shrug it off.  If there's something she's frustrated with me about, she'll have to communicate it to me directly and respectfully - I'm not going to read the subtext. 

I have learned that I cannot control my environment, also I don't want to be the person that everybody has to tiptoe around (not that my neighbours would) because I might also have habits that irritate others and I expect them to be tolerant of me too.

I agree, especially after having lived with a pwOCPD, that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to tiptoe around me.  I was thinking of phrasing the request as "toning down" the door slamming, or just being more mindful of it, or adding a caveat I don't expect her to close doors silently and I know unintentional slams happen (even by me occasionally).  I want to communicate it in a way that doesn't increase anxiety in her, because that would be counterproductive and not good for an otherwise good roommate relationship.

Now you can choose to explain your situation to your roommate - what the door slamming triggers in you and how unpleasant these feelings are for you. Then it is up to her to choose to either continue or find another outlet for her frustration.

This is the recipe for communication I was thinking may work, and good boundaries about leaving her response up to her.  I think I'll have the conversation once and leave it at that, regardless of the outcome.

Be aware though, that your feelings are yours to own and deal with - no matter how much slamming she does. 

Yeah, I've been quite mindful through this that the distress/trauma responses I experience are a product of my environment/her behaviour interacting with my trauma history and the heightened sensitivity of my nervous system (and the significance I assign to the events), for which she's definitely not responsible.  But she is responsible for her own actions, and I think it's reasonable to expect people to know that constantly and aggressively slamming doors in anger (a staple of passive aggressive intimidation) creates an unhealthy home environment for others.  To me, this is very different from another roommate I had who was as graceful as a baby elephant (I say that affectionately - love her and baby elephants) and couldn't close a door without slamming it to save her life.

Do not blame yourself that you have not yet confronted her about it. This causes you anxiety.  It is unpleasant. Take the time you need to be in a calm, collected state and then have the talk. So far, it seems you are taking good care of yourself.

Thank you - self-compassion is definitely a must here.  My nervous system is starting to settle in little ways, but it's going to take a few more days.

Thanks for helping me process this.
WH.

[hhaw]

I don't know what the situation is, but I'd be very tempted to have a heart to heart boundary-setting session...

"I know you're struggling and it's not personal BUT I can't live in a space where you're slamming doors around me. If you slam doors while I'm in the house again I will know you're no longer interested in having me as a roommate. I will know you're asking me to actively begin looking for a different situation or that you're looking for a different situation."

Then I'd follow through with those consequences if necessary.... IF I COULD.  Obviously things are upside down right but, darnit... that's another to reason to enjoy a restful home environment.

Keep in mind, the kinds of people who've slammed doors around me lately ended up escorted off my property after months of escalating behaviors I absolutely did not deserve, so my opinion is informed by that situation.  I don't want to make excuses and put up with and get through and cope with difficult situations I absolutely don't have to ANY MORE.

I'm not a therapist.  You aren't a therapist.   I don't want to do therapy on someone who seeks attention by hijacking my biochemistry... putting and keeping me in survival fight or flight mode which is what happens when a door slams around us.  It's like our bodies are ready to fight a tiger, for Pete's sake. Recovery from that is difficult.  Sometimes impossible.  That's too hard to live with, esp if we've lived through traumas.  People who slam doors want attention, IME.  It's beyond my pay grade to deal with it.

[Wilderhearts]

I'm sorry you went through that Hhaw - it sounds like that was a situation appropriate for really strong boundaries, in order to protect yourself.  I'm glad you did what was necessary for your circumstances, and your safety, emotional and otherwise.

I don't know what the situation is, but I'd be very tempted to have a heart to heart boundary-setting session...

I think heart-to-heart is the way to go...although I'm not sure what boundaries I can really enact that would be worth mentioning to her.  Moving out right now isn't an option for quite a few reasons - city's housing stock/affordability crisis, plethora of slumlords, my current position is temp work.

I'm not a therapist.  You aren't a therapist.   I don't want to do therapy on someone who seeks attention by hijacking my biochemistry... putting and keeping me in survival fight or flight mode which is what happens when a door slams around us....People who slam doors want attention, IME.  It's beyond my pay grade to deal with it.

That made me laugh - I've applied that saying ("it's beyond my pay grade") to having healthy boundaries around work responsibilities but now I can use it for my personal life too!

Yeah I guess it is an attention seeking behaviour in a lot of ways...it's about drawing people into your emotions without having to articulate your feelings or ask for what you need.  And it sure works at getting attention!  I was also reading about how expressing rage gives angry people a surge of feeling powerful, which may combat the feelings of helplessness that created the anxiety that turned into anger - it really reinforces the behaviour, but it doesn't help a person cope.

[PeanutButter]

I just hope since moving out is not an option that she isnt the disordered type that by you telling her how bad it triggers you she uses it even more to disturb you.
Thats been my experience with pd's with other behaviors. Letting them know it bothered me made it worse sometimes.
I agree with all the informed suggestions written here though since I have not ever lived with a door slammer, or been a door slammer IDK personally.

[SaltwareS]

I told one roommate "please stop slamming the doors" when she was with a friend, I told her in front of her friend. Passive aggressive on my part? Who knows. Door-slamming is awful behavior, and our older downstairs neighbors had complained about it privately. The roommate denied it to me "I didn't know I was doing it" but she stopped after that.

You are right to be bothered by it.

[Wilderhearts]

I don't know how you said it, but that seems pretty direct (aka not passive aggressive) to me.  It can be easier for people to have these conversations in private, but also, who wants to confront a passive aggressive person about passive aggressive behaviour in private?  That's the thing about passive aggression - it works so well for them because it's easy to deny, so they can get around addressing not only their feelings/the problem, but their inappropriate response to it too.

She's owned up to things or apologized before, on the rare occasions over the years I've mentioned something that negatively affected me.  It's funny, even though I haven't spoken to her, since my nervous system isn't quite back to baseline, she's almost stopped slamming doors/stuff.  She doesn't close anything quietly either but that's fine.  Maybe she sensed how uncomfortable and tense I was and reflected on her behaviour.  I hope it lasts! 

[heron]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who is scared / frozen from slamming doors. My uBPDw says it's normal, it's not violent, she doesn't mean anything by it, it's just a way for her to blow off some steam. She thinks it is a totally normal thing to do.

For me, highly sensitive to anger, it's violent and scary, because it's a physical expression of anger and to me that means potential loss of control.

[Wilderhearts]

Heron, door slamming is a classic staple of passive aggressive intimidation.  When you get it combined with stomping/storming around, huffing and puffing, and clattering furniture/stuff, well, that really puts me on edge right away.  I agree with you - when this behaviour is exhibited by pwPDs it's like a storm is brewing and they're just daring you to cross them. 

I'm also highly sensitive to anger, having grown up around narcissistic rage.  I would say these passive aggressive outbursts are losses of control, and show an inability to feel, process, and express anger healthily. 

Some of the other commenters in this thread had strategies and suggestions that may be relevant to you - especially around boundaries.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that and not feeling safe in your home - I hope you build up your strategies here.

WH