Huge fight over TV

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Laurie

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Huge fight over TV
« on: May 23, 2020, 09:12:57 PM »
Our of the blue, my husband got really mad at me this evening over a TV show I was apparently watching this morning while he was making breakfast.  I don't even remember what I was watching.  He said when he is around, it needs to be about what "we" want to watch rather than what "I" want to watch.

There are definitely times when we are watching things more aligned to his interests.  I don't get really mad, but just ask if we might watch something else.

His outburst really took me by surprise.  I don't know which of us is the narcissist.  Is it me for channel flipping and not checking with him for his preferences, or him for flipping out of I forget to check with him.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I'm thinking the pandemic has us too reliant on TV.

I think I'm going to buy myself some books.

"There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind." ~ Fred Rogers

"You weren’t made to please everybody — don’t make that your mission. Love those who love you and send love to those who don’t." ~ Tyler Henry

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2020, 09:37:22 PM »
You are not a narcissist for wanting to watch something on TV. When your husband says “what we want to watch” what he means is “what I want to watch”.

I found my BPDxH reacting badly whenever I showed any kind of independence, interest in things that didn’t include him or something I enjoyed.

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freedom77

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2020, 12:30:10 AM »
 :yeahthat:

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freedom77

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2020, 12:40:09 AM »
You are not the narcissist. As evidenced by the fact you are consulting others about someone else's feelings...trust us...narcissists do not concern themselves with such things.

I had a narcissistic, emotionally abusive boyfriend who behaved the same way. And by "we", he meant "him". There never really was any we. And like GettingOOTF said, any glimmer of independence, even something as benign, small or outright petty was enough to invoke a rage in my ex. Even something as dumb as how I folded the towels. He was also notorious for bringing up "grievances" hours, or even days after I "committed" them.

Now, you haven't mentioned if this type of behavior is an ongoing thing, what his history is, or if this is just a COVID quarantine-related cabin fever outburst...you used the words "out of the blue" and "his outburst really took me by surprise" which suggests to me that this isn't typical behavior of him....?

If it's the former...if he "flips out" frequently, or whenever you do something for yourself, then I'd be apt to suspect you are living with a narcissist.

Regardless, he is the one who is out of line in this TV war.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2020, 03:08:13 AM »
I suggest going to the toolbox and checking out the top 100 traits.
https://outofthefog.website/traits
I dont think watching something on tv without asking your partner if he wants to watch it is indicative of npd.
I dont think getting really mad about something is indicative of npd. It also would depend on what 'flipping out' looks like.
It doesn't have to be either/or, and you both could be interacting in problematic ways to each other.
Also here is a profile description of a typical abuser
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/12/20/the-abuser-profile
It is possible you both got triggered by each other.
That has happened to me and my H.
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2020, 03:17:55 AM »
Laurie, I don't think you need to take what he said seriously. He might have felt frustrated, needed a reason to vent, after some search found the TV programme issue and threw that in your face, could have been something else. The reproach was, you are not considerate of him, you do not pay attention to his wishes, you do not try to read his mind. A wise response to that is - acknowledge his feeling 'I am sorry that you feel so frustrated' then walk away. Protect yourself from engaging in such non sensical argument. The TV programme a few hours earlier! What next? The way you looked at him last week?

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PeanutButter

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2020, 12:42:03 PM »
Laurie, I don't think you need to take what he said seriously. He might have felt frustrated, needed a reason to vent, after some search found the TV programme issue and threw that in your face, could have been something else. The reproach was, you are not considerate of him, you do not pay attention to his wishes, you do not try to read his mind. A wise response to that is - acknowledge his feeling 'I am sorry that you feel so frustrated' then walk away. Protect yourself from engaging in such non sensical argument. The TV programme a few hours earlier! What next? The way you looked at him last week?

 :yeahthat:
 My H use to do that. He represses anger so he would have a 'beef' with me but not say anything which could later lead to a get crabby about something silly, unrelated,  that was not why he was really mad.
 Im so grateful, although we both have fleas, we also want to be better. He has finally realized it works better to talk about the origional aggravation when it happens.
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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11JB68

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2020, 02:56:40 PM »
I guess like others have said... If this is a pattern then I see it as a problem.
My uocpdh will get angry/rage over seemingly small things.... And seems to think I should have known it would piss him off, and if I could just avoid doing things that piss him off then he wouldn't have to get mad and yell....
Sorry, in my book that is emotional abuse that results in me walking on eggshells
And also yes.... Why is it that he can watch what he wants and if i don't like oh well.... But if I try to watch e something he's not interested in he can change the channel.
I decided a long time ago that TV isn't that important to me so it's a battle I choose not to fight/engage with. I just let him watch what he wants and I'll look at Facebook or ootf on my phone if I'm not interested. (Then he nags me about it being unhealthy to be on FB so much).
But at least In my relationship it has just become one more thing that he gets to control and have arbitrary rules about. (Eg he wants Netflix. I have to sign up for it. He puts all his favourites under my watcher list, I am not to add my own shows that I'm interested in to that list.... :stars: )

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Laurie

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2020, 07:38:25 PM »
Thanks to everyone for their comments!  His behavior isn't frequent enough that I see a full blown personality disorder, but I do believe he has fleas from his family.  He is more short tempered when his sisters come to visit or have been emailing or phone calling. 

Laurie, I don't think you need to take what he said seriously. He might have felt frustrated, needed a reason to vent, after some search found the TV programme issue and threw that in your face, could have been something else. The reproach was, you are not considerate of him, you do not pay attention to his wishes, you do not try to read his mind. A wise response to that is - acknowledge his feeling 'I am sorry that you feel so frustrated' then walk away. Protect yourself from engaging in such non sensical argument. The TV programme a few hours earlier! What next? The way you looked at him last week?

I think it would help if I could be better at remembering my medium chill skills and to avoid getting drawn into the meaningless arguments and walk away.  I later remembered what the program I was watching was about.  There was a lady expressing a political opinion that he found triggering.  My reason for watching it wasn't for her political opinion, but to gain some information on a news topic.  I believe he overreacted as I am an adult and should be able to watch what I want.  However, I"ll keep my news browsing private to avoid triggering him.
 Next time he gets mad for a minor reason, I  will work on my medium chill and try to remember to refuse to get in an argument and walk to another room if possible.

I have a toy mouse on a shelf to try to remind myself not to take the bait.  I use it for in-laws, but do need to remember for my husband on occasion.   Maybe I need to buy myself a Mickey Mouse watch to help me remember.
"There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind." ~ Fred Rogers

"You weren’t made to please everybody — don’t make that your mission. Love those who love you and send love to those who don’t." ~ Tyler Henry

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PeanutButter

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 05:01:55 AM »
Thanks to everyone for their comments!  His behavior isn't frequent enough that I see a full blown personality disorder, but I do believe he has fleas from his family.  He is more short tempered when his sisters come to visit or have been emailing or phone calling. 

Laurie, I don't think you need to take what he said seriously. He might have felt frustrated, needed a reason to vent, after some search found the TV programme issue and threw that in your face, could have been something else. The reproach was, you are not considerate of him, you do not pay attention to his wishes, you do not try to read his mind. A wise response to that is - acknowledge his feeling 'I am sorry that you feel so frustrated' then walk away. Protect yourself from engaging in such non sensical argument. The TV programme a few hours earlier! What next? The way you looked at him last week?

I think it would help if I could be better at remembering my medium chill skills and to avoid getting drawn into the meaningless arguments and walk away.  I later remembered what the program I was watching was about.  There was a lady expressing a political opinion that he found triggering.  My reason for watching it wasn't for her political opinion, but to gain some information on a news topic.  I believe he overreacted as I am an adult and should be able to watch what I want.  However, I"ll keep my news browsing private to avoid triggering him.
 Next time he gets mad for a minor reason, I  will work on my medium chill and try to remember to refuse to get in an argument and walk to another room if possible.

I have a toy mouse on a shelf to try to remind myself not to take the bait.  I use it for in-laws, but do need to remember for my husband on occasion.   Maybe I need to buy myself a Mickey Mouse watch to help me remember.
Thats a good plan. It looks sounds like your emotional intelligence/insight is helping you cope and prioritise your focus in the best way for your relationship.
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Huge fight over TV
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 09:58:37 AM »
Whenever my exbf needed a little ‘reassurance’ he would pick fights over the littlest things.   In hindsight I think it was a manipulative move to keep things a little chaotic. 

You are not alone. 
Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.