The "Rules" wearing me down

[BeautifulCrazy]

uOCPDh took a week of vacation time and has been home for the past 7 years!
Okay, it has really only been 7 days, and he goes back to work tomorrow, but this has felt like the looooongest week of my life and it isn't over yet!
I'm home, he's home, and at least two out of four of the kids are home at any given moment.  It is unbelieveable, the scrutiny we are under! He must ensure adherence to what seems like millions of rules and procedures. There are a whole slew of extra rules now too, especially when coming and going from the house, because of the pandemic. IF we are allowed to leave. (Generally, I am NOT.)
If he were not going back to work tomorrow, I think I would not be able to get out of bed. Except there is a rule about that... (Hello JB, yep, me too! And like your PD, if you bring it up, it isn't a "rule", it's just better, healthier blah blah blah)
Every aspect of our lives is governed by a collection of his "Common Sense" rules, regulations and procedures. I just finished having a cry of frustration in the bathroom. But not the upstairs bathroom, the downstairs bathroom. The upstairs bathroom must be left free in case someone needs to shower. Even though everyone who was having one has already showered today. And I had to be sure to cry quickly because if I am in there for more than three minutes he will be knocking at door because there must be something wrong with my bodily functions and the questions and judgements about that are a whole other nightmare.
It has been difficult week. I have had to toe the line on almost every endless thing because it is HIS house and if I am displeased in any way my kids and I can get the **** out, pandemic or no pandemic. (I am working on doing just that, as some of you will recall.) I'm just completely exhausted. Drained. This week has been so much work keeping a cheerful disposition and medium chill and brightsiding the heck out of everything so the kids are having daily adventures instead of wanting to chew off their own limbs to escape. I feel I can hardly breathe because I might do it wrong. I'm just so tired and worn out with it all and having trouble keeping it up. I also feel incredibly angry at the futility. The pointlessness.
I really do feel excited for tomorrow!
But today...
and tonight...
are stretching ahead of me like super hot asphalt studded with broken glass. There are ninety six rules about how to get across, seventy seven of those rules have caveats or subsections and I only get to know eleven of the rules in advance. I have to get across PER-FECT-LY. On the first try. And it would be nice if I managed not to get burned or cut myself.
We have made it nearly seven whole days without angering him past about a 6.5 out of 10. I'm terrified this won't last (or I won't) until tomorrow morning when he leaves for work.
Pray for us!!

[11JB68]

Hey, the for the shout out, and yes I can totally relate.
Mine started his own business....15+ years ago.... And has basically been home ever since!
Since his heart attack and covid he has not left the house except for a couple of drs appts early on.
Let's see.... I asked to discuss something that apparently wasn't up for discussion. I failed to throw away a pice of paper that should have gone in the trash. Then *gasp* I parked my car on the wrong place in my driveway.
The anger and disappointment.... And the fact that he takes all of this as a personal affront....
I can never be good enough.
I am feeling so ready to walk.

[Haiiro Ishi]

are stretching ahead of me like super hot asphalt studded with broken glass. There are ninety six rules about how to get across, seventy seven of those rules have caveats or subsections and I only get to know eleven of the rules in advance. I have to get across PER-FECT-LY. On the first try.

I can really relate to this.  I actually can't remember all of my rules, so I actually write them down. I think it's kind of ridiculous that I have to do this, but it has the added benefit of making my wife think she is being taken seriously. The list of rules that I wrote out last year covered two pages and actually had several diagrams lol.

Living by all of these rules makes me feel like a robot.

I hope you have a nice weekend. Keep smiling.

[Xyz]

BeautifulCrazy, I just read your post, and I relate to what you are describing.  My SO has had some days off of work recently, including three days for the Memorial Day weekend, and having him here at home was bad.  He monitors and controls me, and if I do not submit to his control, he rages and abuses.  One of his pet phrases is "pack your sh*t and get out," ie threatening me with homelessness.     

[Free2Bme]

BC, my heart goes out to you.
It is so exhausting to keep all of these warped plates spinning just to mitigate the insanity in hopes of buying oneself an micron of peace. 

Continue keeping cool, for your own sake and your precious children.  This is temporary, although it probably doesn't feel this way right now.

Keep your eye on the finish line, one day this will be in your rear view mirror.

Praying for your strength 

[11JB68]

I sort of like haiiro's idea of writing down all the rules. Because uocpdh doesn't believe me when I say he is controlling. So if I had a running list I could show him: here are all your rules!

[BeautifulCrazy]

When we first were married I used to keep a list. (It was my therapist's idea) I thought actually seeing them in writing, the things he said and the things he expected, would make him realize how irrational, contradictory or "not worth getting upset over" they were. It made him furious! He didn't say that! (He did!) It wasn't a rule, (then why do we HAVE to do it or suffer punishment?)  It was just a better way to live. It was the "right" way to do things. He insisted they were mostly common sense. Even the ones that were contradictory! Until I threw it out, every time he was angry with me, he would go and get the list and he would wave it in my face and tell me what a horrible person I was to have written them down. I was trying to make him sound crazy. I was trying to make him look bad. I was trying to make him look stupid. I was trying to control him. I was unreasonable. I was evil. I was abusing him. Snidely telling me, I should put that on my list. Total DARVO. He still brings it up as one of my failures and betrayals when he is on an angry rant. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have shown him. It escalated things so terribly. Although, really, if it wasn't that, I guess it would have been something else. He can always find something to prove I am worthless and fuel his rage.
Like you, xyzxo, I am always being threatened with homelessness if I do not comply, so it is a delicate balance, a dangerous game until I get out. I am so sorry that you are in that position too.

Thanks Haiiro and Free2B!! Thank you so much for your prayers Free2Bme. What you say is true.
I will be out of here before the year ends. That certainty gives me strength. Your forum name is the best! It reminds me every time I see it of my hope and my future where I will be free to be completely myself.

Chin up 11JB!! Sending you distanced hugs and the girlfriend hand pat. You are SO Not Alone!! I read your posts and nod in agreement and shake my head and totally (TOTALLY!!!) get it, even if I don't often type anything. You're part of the sanity saving circle here that I cherish. I pray you do find some peace and freedom to exist in a space where you are good enough. Trust me, you ARE good enough. Great even!! And completely loveable just as you are.