Thoughts on my NPD ex's release from prison

[gfuertes]

Thanks, to this forum, for letting me vent quite a bit recently!  IRL, I try to be careful about circulating details that could make their way to my kids' friends, etc.  In summary, my ex went to prison for fraud 2 years ago.  At that point, we'd been married for 10 years.  His absence gave me the peace and space to get my head together and realize he seems to have NPD and probably also sociopathy, and that I needed to divorce him.  We have one son together who's now 12.  Our son has done *better* - academically, socially, behaviorally - with his dad in prison, which made me see that I wouldn't ruin our son's life by divorcing his dad.  My husband has a son from his 1st marriage who's a young adult, married with 2 kids, in a neighboring state; and a college-age son from his 2nd marriage whom I've raised since he was 8, and whose mom is kind of a mess, lives far away, and isn't in his life much.  My younger step-son continued living with me after his dad went to prison, until recently when he moved into an apartment with friends.  I also have young-adult twin sons, from before I met my ex.

1 - Apparently, last week while my step-sons were driving their dad from prison (out of state) to his mother's house (across town from me), they told their dad that if he had any critical things to say about me, he had no audience with them; that while he was gone my house had continued to be the place they celebrated holidays and visited; that they planned to continue that; and my ex can either be nice and get along with me and be included, or not get along with me and get left out.  I don't know what prompted them to say that, and I never asked them to say anything of the sort.  But I'm overwhelmed and so touched that they did.

2 - My ex has been love-bombing me for a while, now, and apologizing.  It's all curiously non-specific.  He never mentions his first straight year in prison (right up until I told him I wanted a divorce) when every time we spoke, he lied to me, tried to manipulate me, blamed me - and even his oldest son - for his troubles, took zero responsibility, and cursed at me.  He never mentions the years when he was being investigated, when he did and said everything he could to make me think I was a bad wife and mother, an incompetent person, and that he could hardly stand me...presumably because he feared that's how people would, or should, perceive *him*.  He never mentions the excessive drinking; or the infatuation with my friend and co-worker, our son's Cub Scout den leader; or the times he suddenly exploded and moved out temporarily, claiming he was doing so because he needed to protect his kids from me - even though he left them with me.  And the fact that when he came back, he acted like he'd forgiven *me*, not that he'd realized he behaved badly and was sorry.  How *could* I have stayed with him as long as I did?  I felt like I was drowning for about 5 years, just trying to keep my head above water enough to deal with each week's crisis, and unable to think clearly enough to figure anything out, long-term.

So, I have to assume his apologies mean he's sorry that all the unfair things the world has conspired to do to him have affected me; and that all his love means he wants me to still feel like we're in it together.  He wants to feel like he's not alone, that someone is invested in helping him and doing whatever tasks he assigns them, and he thinks I'm the most likely person he can draw into that role.  Like a child loves whoever is there to mother them - and the love is not based on a grown-up understanding or appreciation of the mother as an individual human being - he's willing to love me if I'll turn all my attention toward his needs.  At least, until he needs someone to blame, or someone to feel superior to; or he remembers that I know him uncomfortably well, so he becomes attracted to someone who only knows the version of him that he carefully cultivates to impress her.  Then he'll just pluck me out of the love-object box, and plop me into the "scapegoat" or "inferior" box he needs to fill. 

And it feels good to see this for what it is; to feel sorry for him that he gets in the way of himself being able to enjoy more genuine love; and not to feel tempted to let myself get sucked in.

3 - My ex said that, by holding things together in his absence as I have, I've impressed him more than any other human being has ever done.  That sounds like a compliment.  He certainly meant for me to take it as one, and feel all mushy and grateful to him for saying it.  But it feels good to see past that, too.

I don't want a partner who admires me for surviving how he recklessly destroyed our lives.  I want a partner who won't recklessly destroy our lives, who will notice and admire the subtler, everyday things that are worth admiring in me, and tolerate the less-admirable things about me, not feel entitled to have a perfect spouse when he isn't perfect, himself.

I heard the unsaid parts of his compliment loud and clear.  He has convinced himself that no one would ever have thought I could make it without him; that he's impressed specifically because I held up so much better than he expected me to.  He'd like me to think that I conducted myself during our marriage in a way that made this reasonable; that only by him giving me this chance to shine have I proven myself. 

What utter bullshit!  When he became attracted to me, I was a single parent with special-needs twins.  I was carefully balancing working. and being not just a mother, but a tutor, therapist and life-coach to my kids.  I owned my home free and clear.  I had no debt.  I lived frugally, and still managed to do all kinds of stimulating, fun things with my kids.  My home was where my big, extended family gathered for every holiday and birthday.  I had friends, and was part of a strong, supportive community.  I figured out what I needed to, whether it was how to fix my plumbing, or my car.  The very reason he was with me in the first place was because he recognized that I was more stable, more self-controlled, more intuitive and understanding, and more capable of caring for myself and others, than he was.  He knew if he attached himself to me, he'd be part of a home, an extended family and a community that would feel gratifying to him; and that if he self-destructed I'd keep his kids from going down with him. 

I haven't risen to the occasion and outdone myself.  I've remained the same person I've always been.  Suggesting otherwise is actually a camoflauged, back-handed insult.  That over the years, instead of appreciating me, he needed to convince himself that I was inferior to him and couldn't manage anything well without him, has nothing to do with who I actually was, only with how he needed to feel.  And now he can work that out - or never see it, or repeat the same pattern until he dies, whatever he chooses to do - by himself.

[GettingOOTF]

You have done so much work to get where you are and it’s showing in many positive ways like the relationship with your step sons

It sounds like your ex is looking for a soft place to land. He has no idea of the changes you’ve made because he hasn’t been around. He thinks he can still use and manipulate you.

I see a lot of similarities between him and my BPDxH. My therapist says that I will never be free of him because he will never meet someone who is as much of a pushover as I was. She didn’t use that term but basically I met all my exes needs. I worked, took care of appointments, the home etc. and he had the freedom to do what he wanted. He wants that life back. Right now he has to hold down a job and I’m assuming some level of decent behavior towards his girlfriend.

I always said, even before I was Out of the FOG that my meant it when he said he loved me, but it wasn’t me he loved. He’d have loved anyone in that role the same way. It was never about me.

Honestly his arrogance in assuming he’s some kind of catch whose good option matters to me is crazy. He’s an ex con who wasn’t even good enough at what he did not to get caught. My ex is like this. He acts like he’s god’s gift but he has very little to offer.

At least he is out now and that limbo is over for you, you can make real plans and move on.