"wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning

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Ladymm

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"wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« on: May 26, 2020, 05:31:13 AM »
Hi,

today is my bday, and so is my grandma's, who has been ill lately. I am low contact and haven't visited and called her for a month. I have no idea how weak she is or not, my mother and her are dramatic and it is hard to know the truth. Also in my opinion this is in a way a great time for them, for gm to live victim and complaining with an actual reason, and for my mother to take care of her mother and feel important.

Today I called said gm to wish her happy bday. And I got 15 min of crying complaining. She complains with crying voice even in normal days, and so did now. And in the end she said she has to go to the dentist and that she has to walk there and that she will fall on the ground because she has no one to take her there. This is not true! she said my mother has to go to the hairdresser and such stuff, BUT she can take her or my dad can take her, or even, if she would be normal, could ask me to take her. I said to her or go if you can go or call somebody why are you telling me these things?

So this was my bday gift for low contact. I couldn't even eat breakfast without calling her ( I somehow have to, its her bday) because I was so anxious of this action.

I called my mother, and I was distressed (M-I-S-T-A-K-E), and she denied all and pointed out again that how weak gm is and that this is none of my business who takes care of her and that she will take care of her. She denied all I said and explained my gm said the story about going to the doctor because she is so much in distress because of her illness. She was very much lucid in my opinion and she is maybe weak but has evidently enough energy to manipulate. My mother even comes later to have a coffee with me, even I tried kindly to show her to come another time (but she is a narc, she doesn't understand these kind of hints). So drama is not over yet for today.

My gm even seemed pleased to upset me. There was some kind of victory and peace in the silence when I got upset.

I had to vent and have the feeling I am not alone. sorry. I wish in my new solar year I could see manipulation as clear as day, in a legal way, like a f***** offence!

I haven't even yet drank coffee I go now lol :stars: :stars: :stars:
I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell

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Ladymm

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2020, 09:05:39 AM »
Maybe i explained myself poorly - gm said she cant go to the dentist by herself and that she will fall on the geound because she is so weak from the ilness.
I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell

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GettingOOTF

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2020, 10:09:07 AM »
Happy Birthday. I hope you are able to find some joy in your day.

My experience with my family has been that any time I have any contact there is drama and manipulation. I now take these as data points I use to decide on my next contact.

I’m sorry your family dumped all over you. My family are also incredibly negative people and it’s very draining for me.

I have found the the longer I go without contact the more clearly I am able to see them for who they are. That is the gift I have given myself.



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Ladymm

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2020, 11:13:36 AM »
GettingOOTF,

Thank you!!

This is a good point-the gift of being distant is the best gift to give oneself. And it really is a gift, it is thee kind of gift that you can give someone you really know well. When guilt goes away and you find peace one day you see it as a great gift i suppose. Im not there yet tho, but it is my goal. I will also give me the gift of lower contact!

My mother was just here and didnt rage or something just talked nonstop about the ill grandma and showed me pictures of the illness she had on her skin. She also said gm took many meds and is a bit out. I don t believe gm is out her ways of inducing guilt (there s no one tot ake me to the doctor) were the same before. Today with my mother was just like the river was running under the ground.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2020, 11:16:54 AM by Ladymm »
I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell

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Maxtrem

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2020, 11:20:20 AM »
Happy Birthday!

Your GM may have deliberately been unpleasant on your birthday for the sole purpose of getting revenge and focusing everything on her. My uBPDM and her brother Narc have already been unpleasant at parties (often at Christmas) which has the effect of spoiling the party of others, and this only to get revenge (because they didn't get what they wanted or to be the centre of attention). Revenge is, in my opinion, a rather cruel form of manipulation of PDs. On the other hand, as a psychologist has already pointed out to me, revenge comes from a feeling of inferiority, so when my uBPDM takes revenge on me because she didn't get enough attention, time... I know it's because she feels inferior to me!

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Ladymm

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2020, 11:48:05 AM »
Maxtrem,

thank you!

Interesting, yes, basically it is revenge what they do. I was too naive to think that even! I would never do that for example, I see revenge as a low action which would not give me peace. And it is ugly to think someone can have energy to revenge when they are ill, but I think pd have so much material then that it is the best circumstances. They might feel pain or physical discomfort, but they feel strenght in the fact that they suck the narc supply from you anyway, and even more easily. You being upset is for them the same as the idea of them having control i think.

I think my gm has many reasons to revenge. To revenge for the father who died in war and all the things she complains about, real or dramatic or made up. She thinks she is the best person morally and all who are close to her are good, all that help are good, the others are devils. I will be this devil and she can revenge, and i will survive this shitty day. The other days - she will hear from me every 3 months. Witch.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2020, 11:49:54 AM by Ladymm »
I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2020, 12:59:41 PM »
My mother does this too Ladymm  :hug:

My uNPDmother needs supply to make her feel better. She will rehash old hurts from people that happened decades ago. Bring up ridiculous social media fights she's involved in, talk about relatives who wronged her. AND she also talks about how tired she is, how weak she is, how she wished someone....(me) would do this and that. How she wishes she would have had 5 children so they could all do things for her. Really, that's how they think. They love drama of any kind.

Did she wish you a happy birthday? I hope so.

Happy Birthday to you. Please put her and your mother out of your mind today. They aren't worth it and it won't change sadly.

Enjoy your day!  :party:

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Andeza

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2020, 05:31:05 PM »
I wouldn't say you were too naive to see it as revenge. I would say rather that you are a kind person, and therefore you would not suspect such underhanded behavior from another person.

Happy birthday! I hope you take the time to do some things you enjoy today.

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Ladymm

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Re: "wonderful" birthday gift in the early morning
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2020, 06:01:43 PM »
Sunnymeadow,

Thank you! 😁 I am sorry your mother is also this kind. They try to attach you to themselves with this guilt thing.
I was thinking today why I suffered so much when i expressed my opinon on my grandma's behaviour. I think its our defense mechanisms that make us suffer and say "hey you better are like they want to, otherwise you will die". Its somewhere deep in our nervous system.

My mother wished me happy bday yes, my family is of the high morality kind lolthey don't miss these opportunities to prove that they are good people over and over again 😁😐funerals, birthdays, illness - this is their stage and they give the best! So they cover better the poo.

Andeza,

Thank you😁

Yes i often think about these behaviours and i wonder if they are deliberate or just reactional. But I found out that this should be less of my business, my only job is to keep my ass safe! And this i know how to do by following my feelings.

I did some things i enjoyed, tahnk you for caring! I spent the evening with my husband we went for a nice dinner😁but the morning was awful and still i feel the bad juices flowing in me. But i lightened up a bit.

I wonder if there is a time in this spiritual pazh when one becomes immune to "their" attacks, feeling nothing as reaponse would be a good enough achievement.
I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell