NPD mom wants contact after 3 years of silence, what to do?

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magenta22

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I’ve been NC for 3 years with my Narcissistic mother, I also moved 5 years ago to another city.

In fact, in a way she initiated low/no contact with me when I started setting boundaries.

My boundaries: On the phone for example I told her that I would not tolerate her bad mouthing people behind their backs (specially family members) and I also told her to stop talking about herself all the time, I observed that never she asked me about me all she did was complain about everybody and talk about herself. After such calls I always felt like being dumped upon, I felt stressed and angry.

When I learned about NPD and started setting boundaries on the phone…. she would become furious and usually began hanging up the phone on me, like a child. I never used to call her; it was her always calling me back all the time to “dump” on me.  Always a week later she would call again as if nothing ever happened, like a rest of history.  So I would put the boundaries again and she would not speak to me (to my relief) for several weeks until she stopped calling me for good….lol…she thought she was “punishing me” by silent treatment (her favorite tool to punish me as a child) but for me it was a relief. This silent treatment lasted 3 years, of course she always sent her flying monkey’s saying that I should call her back, etc. I always told them she could call Me, she had my phone number but my NPD mom is a Queen like type: YOU have to bend the knee not otherwise. So last month was my b-day and a family member transferred a voice message to me….it was from NPD mom saying that she “loved me and remembered me on my B-day”  when for the last 3 years she has never call me on my B-day or Christmas or anything….She complained that she could die at any time and HER B-day was next month that: “The only ache in her Soul was not hearing from me before she dies”.
The tone of voice in parts of the message was angry, reproachful and not soulful. The message had a strange feel and at the end of the message she switched topics and began addressing this aunt who sent me the voice message about a “great music CD that she was listening and that she loved as well” .

So I’m left sad, guilty and confused about this voice message…..What should I do?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: NPD mom wants contact after 3 years of silence, what to do?
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2020, 07:04:15 PM »
Hold the phone. So your mom used someone else to send you a voice message when your mother has your number? Am I reading that right?

This is messed up, however you look at it. Sad and confused makes sense. But guilty, that’s the abuse programming talking from where I’m sitting. From what I can tell you have been given the silent treatment, you’ve been open to her calling regardless, and then years later she pulls this stunt for a third party audience (the aunt and whomever she spreads it to). You have done nothing wrong, and if she feels any kind of soul ache  ::) it’s due entirely to her choices. You simply stopped playing her game and she doesn’t like it. Even though we’ve been programmed to believe otherwise, it is not your responsibility to make your mother feel good at the cost of your healthy boundaries. You do not have to accept whatever she dishes out.

Your NM sounds like a piece of work. Can’t even play nice for one happy birthday message. And then remembered her audience. Nothing genuine there. If it were me (and it kind of is, going on 3 years NC here), I’d do nothing at all. And take it as validation that you’re absolutely justified in staying away from her.

Happy freakin’ birthday, right?!? :phoot: I do hope you had a good one. And I hope your mother gets bored quickly.

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moglow

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Re: NPD mom wants contact after 3 years of silence, what to do?
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2020, 07:26:59 PM »
I don't want to sound petty here but I will - please pay attention: she called *your aunt*. Left that message for *her*. She didn't call you. Does that make it your responsibility to "fix"? No ma'am, in my little world, it does not.

That sounds horribly like something mine would do, and I'm sorry for that. All you can really do is what feels best for you. I think it was sad and passive aggressive that she dragged another in rather than calling you herself.
That's HER stuff, honey, not yours. Dont buy into it.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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magenta22

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Re: NPD mom wants contact after 3 years of silence, what to do?
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2020, 09:39:12 PM »
Thank you for the replies.

To clarify the message was given to my aunt to please give to me because she coud not reach me. Is true that I blocked most of my family members in my social media, still she has my normal phone number that is unblocked....

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TwentyTwenty

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Re: NPD mom wants contact after 3 years of silence, what to do?
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2020, 03:38:28 AM »
Sorry you are going through this..

If it were me, I’d change my #.