Seeking clarity from those of you who have gone temporary no contact

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newjuncture

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I am reaching out for help from those who have written a short letter for temporary no contact via email. It has gotten to the point with my parent  that contact is starting to feel so uncomfortable that I cannot concentrate on my daily responsibilities. Boundaries were initially set a few months ago where contact we requested only by email. However, the messages have become difficult in the way that my needs are completely being overlooked.

I have decided I am the point where I need to go no contact for a while. I would like to send out a very clear and brief letter stating that despite my various attempts to share with them during conversations over the phone that always seemed one-side and disregarding my concerns or overlooking my boundaries, my boundaries are being ignored and my voice has not been respected. While I may have accepted manipulation or guilt in my childhood and early adulthood, it is something I will absolutely not tolerate anymore .  I want to state that this type of behavior is unhealthy and since my boundaries are not being respected, I need a break from any form of contact for my own health and well-being

Initially, I was planning on going no contact by letting it dwindle naturally as many have done.  But, as some of you have indicated, there are times when it is necessary to initiate no contact and say it clearly without explaining yourself too much.  I would like to hear from any of you who did this and felt better about it.  What did you state in a brief letter? How did you simply say you need a break or won't be in contact for a while?  I am doing this for two reasons; (1) one for clarity so there is no question about no contact and (2) to have documentation if I feel like it is continued harassment in the future. Thank you.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2020, 05:25:14 PM by newjuncture »

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Psuedonym

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Hey newjuncture,

I wrote a not very brief but very fact based letter when I went NC with uPD M (aka Negatron) about a year and a half ago. Like you, my stress level had gotten to a point where I had to do something; after first a year of sheer hell when my dad was dying and then another one after he passed away, I couldn't take it anymore.

What I mean by fact based is that there was pretty much no 'I feel' or emotional interpretations of things in it. It was a recounting of events mostly, things her own therapist had said in front of me, behaviors that happened in front of other people, etc. Facts, basically. It was important for me to do this because, as I'm sure you understand, I had never been able to say any of it before. Anything not in line with the script she'd written for herself as 'best mother in the world' was met with self-pity filled rage. The reaction I got (I've only heard this through H) is pretty much what I expected and what will most likely happen with you, that is that they will bypass any and all logical statements you make and got straight into character assassination mode. Not only is nothing you said true or even relevant, you are, in no particular order:

A liar
Mentally unstable/Crazy
Defective in some unspecified way
Childish
Ungrateful
Selfish

Etc, etc. This was actually helpful to me, as it really proved to me that this was not a communication issue that could be worked through and wiped out all doubt that she might actually have a PD. The smear campaign, combined with the denial of reality and the inability to even fake an apology when the consequence is losing all connection with the only close relative you have was what I needed to know. It had helped me understand that there was really nothing I could do and ultimately, not really about me at all. Anyway, that's my experience. Hope   it helps!

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newjuncture

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Hey newjuncture,

I wrote a not very brief but very fact based letter when I went NC with uPD M (aka Negatron) about a year and a half ago. Like you, my stress level had gotten to a point where I had to do something; after first a year of sheer hell when my dad was dying and then another one after he passed away, I couldn't take it anymore.

What I mean by fact based is that there was pretty much no 'I feel' or emotional interpretations of things in it. It was a recounting of events mostly, things her own therapist had said in front of me, behaviors that happened in front of other people, etc. Facts, basically. It was important for me to do this because, as I'm sure you understand, I had never been able to say any of it before. Anything not in line with the script she'd written for herself as 'best mother in the world' was met with self-pity filled rage. The reaction I got (I've only heard this through H) is pretty much what I expected and what will most likely happen with you, that is that they will bypass any and all logical statements you make and got straight into character assassination mode. Not only is nothing you said true or even relevant, you are, in no particular order:

A liar
Mentally unstable/Crazy
Defective in some unspecified way
Childish
Ungrateful
Selfish

Etc, etc. This was actually helpful to me, as it really proved to me that this was not a communication issue that could be worked through and wiped out all doubt that she might actually have a PD. The smear campaign, combined with the denial of reality and the inability to even fake an apology when the consequence is losing all connection with the only close relative you have was what I needed to know. It had helped me understand that there was really nothing I could do and ultimately, not really about me at all. Anyway, that's my experience. Hope   it helps!

Dear Pseudonym, thanks so much for your feedback, especially in the area below:

I have considered this a lot, particularly with writing a fact based email without any 'I feel' statements as you stated. At this point, I simply want to state to my parent that I won't tolerate any forms of manipulation and guilt and want to stop any form of communication for the time being for my own health.  This could be temporary or longer term if it starts to feel like things can't be resolved.  The good thing is I started talking to a counselor last week who has given me some resolve with what's been going on my entire life. It has made me stronger and more confident to know that I can't stop someone else's behavior, but I can certainly determine what behavior is ok or not ok for me to accept.

I am prepared to be called selfish and all the other adjectives that you described.  You are so right about that. With this parent, pointing out every little detail will only lead to them throwing it in my face, playing the victim role, or making me look bad with other siblings.  That is expected.  My biggest concern for now is to have an initial no contact in writing so it is clear for them and also to have documentation about it for the future.  All other attempts to set boundaries or share my concerns by phone have been ignored or overlooked followed by so many emails acting like they were never told or asking why I am not calling or reaching out to even say hello to the family.  Thank you again.

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Psuedonym

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No problem, newjuncture!

I know its helped me in the past to talk to people here who understand the craziness.  :stars: To this day, a year and.a half later, Negatron will say to H 'I have no idea why she won't talk to me but I guess there's nothing I can do about it', to which will say 'we've had this conversation literally dozens of times. You absolutely know why and its entirely on you to do change your behavior'.....at which point she just launches into her 'best mother in the world speech'. If I didn't know what it was I would think it was some sort of dementia, but nope! Her memory works just fine with regards to everything else. It's bananas. Hang in there!

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BeanerJane

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I sent a two sentence email to BPDM: "Frankly, I'm pretty hurt by the things you've written to me. It'd be best for us to have some distance now."  Then I blocked her email and phone number. 

It'd been building for years but the final straw was during one of BPDM's manic phases. She was threatening lawsuits, contacting lawyers with theories, accusing people of stealing from her, and having wild mood swings. At the same time my SIL was dying of cancer. It was a very stressful time for me and my FOC. She'd send emails detailing how she'd been wronged by everyone (especially me) and how disappointed, disgusted, and victimized she was. Those emails were brutal. They'd usually send me running to soothe her and fix whatever was agitating her. Not this time. The more she screamed the further away I backed up.

She sent an especially nasty email and something in me snapped. I dropped the rope. It wasn't a conscious decision to cut off contact, I just didn't engage for 24 hours. I focused my energy on my FOC, my SIL, and work. 24 hours stretched into 48 and 48 stretched into a week. The emails kept coming though. I sent my two sentence email, blocked her, and didn't look back. I suspect she felt she wasn't getting enough attention since my SIL's cancer diagnosis and that was her way of refocusing my efforts onto her. It's been four years since I dropped that rope and I'm glad every day for the peace it's brought me.

I think what you've written here "I won't tolerate any forms of manipulation and guilt and want to stop any form of communication for the time being for my own health." is perfect.  It's clear to the point and you don't make any promises about renewing communication. If your uPDm is anything like mine she won't acknowledge any wrong doing on her part (mine will refute any events cited as lies and I think she truly believes that) and may uncork a whole new bottle of nasty.

Whatever you decide to do this community has your back. Good luck!

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moglow

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Hi there! I've had several periods of no contacts over the years and I'm pretty sure it was seen as silent treatment. Know what? Im okay with that! I took the time I needed without interference.

I'd suggest you be very careful what you share (your health, mental or otherwise, counseling etc). Dont provide any outs, that can be turned to someone else pushed you to this or provide anyone for them to blame. Also, i'd keep it simple and to the point, explain nothing. You're taking a step back for the time being and wont be in contact. Period.
Then you enforce your boundaries - don't respond, at all, unless to emphasize that this is something you're doing for yourself. Then just let that ball drop. They may respect your silence, may amp up their own efforts. Could as easily go one way as the other and mine has tried evetything over the years. But once you decide what you want and need, it's yours to enforce.


“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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TwentyTwenty

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“Your behavior, comments and vocabulary are harmful to me and my family and it must end.

I demand that you stop contacting me in any way, whatsoever.

If your ignore my request for no contact, I’ll have no other option except to file a cease and desist order via my lawyer against you for your continued, ongoing harassment.

Do not contact me again.”

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newjuncture

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Thanks for all the support.  It is great to know that other folks are in a similar situation and can relate.  This type of contact ever few days influences my productivity.  Many people have decide to block contact by phone, etc.; however, I would like to keep those open to have a record for future documentation of any messages or contact. I agree to include as little information about myself as possible; however, it is important to me to point out that I won't accept this type of behavior from anyone going forward.  Most important, I simply want to point out since my boundaries aren't being acknowledged that I need some time away for my own well-being.  I'm sure that will fuel the parent to even increase contact or say other things which I am fine with.  Atleast at that point, I have stated it clearly since all other times it was ignored and overlooked.