Separated from OCPD husband

[Dymphna]

Hello, everyone, thank you for having me.

Mine has been a very difficult journey, as I'm sure yours has been as well, which is why I'm here, so I can relate, learn, share, and cope.

I separated from my husband of almost 20 years a few months ago.  I took my two teenage kids and I moved out into our own apartment.  Before I left my daughter was depressed and suicidal, and my son had been caught planning to run away from home.  I was in a state of constant stress for all those years, which took a huge toll on my health and led to multiple chronic health issues.

I told my husband I would not even consider reuniting unless he gets help, so he finally saw someone, but the counselor he chose had no experience with PDs and didn't know what he was dealing with.  He would not diagnose my husband with anything more than OCPD tendencies, even after reading my 8 pages of notes on exactly how he met almost all of the DSM criteria. 

I went to joint counseling with him a few times, but after being apart and finally getting breathing space, it was incredibly stressful and I stopped and went No Contact for now.  My husband shows no sign of believing there is anything wrong with himself and has no desire to change in any way.  At this point I am planning to file for divorce as soon as the one-year separation required by my state has passed.  He would have to show me evidence of working on himself for me to even consider delaying.  Right now he is hoovering big time, but I've seen that before and have no reason to believe it is a sign of change.

My kids are happy.  My daughter's depression evaporated almost overnight, and my son's dark moody days are more and more rare.  I am more relaxed than I can remember being since before I met my husband over 20 years ago.  I am reconnecting with friends and family and everyone tells me I am back to my old self, which had been subsumed.

Recovery from abuse is not easy.  I still get anxious every time I spend a single dollar (something my husband used to control severely) and find myself censoring my words or actions in the fearful ways I had been conditioned to do, but it's gradually getting easier.  I am hopeful and so grateful to God for giving me the courage to get out.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Dymphna! Sounds like you were in a really difficult marriage and are well on your way to recovery. I have been out for over two years now - I found there was a lot of grieving to be done. Looking forward to your contributions on this informative and supportive forum!

[vijaykumari]

I'm always surprised at how long the effects last.  People would say early on, you've been divorced a year, move on.  It's been ten years now and I'm still affected.