New here

[Ireland1957]

Hi everyone,

I discovered this site today and felt lots of resonances with my experience with my parents.

I am now 62 and things still affect me, though in general I am happy and content with life.

My mother I think has some strong traits of narcissism. Growing up things were difficult - both my parents were angry people and my tendency is to keep quiet and out of the firing line. Growing up gay was only part of the problems though it was a major issue - I knew early on that I was not the son that either of my parents wanted.

My mother is still alive (she will be 89) though we now have no contact (her choice). For many years I adopted a Medium Chill strategy without ever having learned about that. Though sometimes I would engage more and end up having a big blow up because she was never able to be wrong about anything. Even trivial things.

I get emotional sometimes when people tell me that their parents loved them, because I never really had that experience. When I say that, very often people find that hard to understand, and say 'oh I expect they did in their way', but I know that is not true. My mother told one of my sisters that she didn't really want any of us (I have two sisters) and repeatedly mentioned that she had considered aborting my youngest sister.

At this stage in my life I am very happy to have no contact. I got remarried last year and sent my mother an invitation, and also photos of the day itself though she didn't respond to any of my communications. So I'm done with reaching out and won't do it again. My husband lost his mother when he was nine and loves her desperately so he is a bit mystified by my 'relationship' with my mother.

I discovered NPD some years ago and it made a lot of sense to me. It's good to talk about things and not bottle things up. And to realise that it was never my fault when I was growing up.

[PeanutButter]

Helo and a warm welcome to you.

I am someone who also had a mother who didnt love me.

It really gets to me when people say things like that too "Oh, now im sure she loves you, maybe she just didnt know how to show you" It is obviously a knee jerk reaction (about them and their relationships) or they would be curious imo.
"Really? What did she do?" Or "my goodness I'm sorry you experienced that. Im certian it wasnt your fault though." would be a response about you and your mom if they really cared.

It is quite rediculous to believe that every single woman who has ever raised a child, loved that child.

Congrats on your marriage.

PS IME it is only others who have also been through the same that are able to understand.

[Penny Lane]

Hi there and welcome!

I'm glad you found us although I'm sorry you had to experience it. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what's going on with your mother, unfortunate as it is. Even so, you might browse through the toolbox; it helped me hone strategies I'd already be implementing and develop new ones as well.

Once you get settled in I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Ireland1957]

Strange how things happen.

Yesterday evening I had a phone call from my youngest sister to say my mother had had a bad fall, hitting her head and causing severe frontal lobe brain damage. She is now in a coma in hospital in the west of England and not expected to last more than a few days.

My two sisters had a falling-out some years ago so the middle one (I'm the eldest and the only son) has blanked both the younger sister and myself. And my mother moved towns a couple of years ago from being close to sister 2 to being close to sister 1. I think there has been some 'taking sides' coercion going on but it's not my drama so don't know all the details apart from my mother choosing to break contact with me as well as the youngest sister.

In Ireland we are not allowed to travel more than 5km from home so I would not be able to go to the funeral when it happens. In normal times I certainly would have, but again using a Medium Chill strategy to avoid being dragged into any drama. My sisters both live in England and I moved to Ireland three years ago (my parents were Irish, but left  - my mother has always said she hates Ireland and got a shock when I moved here).

And we probably have a will and inheritance drama lined up next. My mother made a will some years ago leaving everything to all three of us siblings equally. The last big blow-up she and I had, she threatened to disinherit me and I just laughed at her and said 'go ahead'. She was making noises afterwards about cutting all of us siblings out and leaving everything to 'my grandchildren'. My sisters each have children and I have none. I'm not expecting to get anything but will be interested to hear how things turned out. I believe she sold her former house in the town where sister 1 lives, and may have bought a 'retirement flat' in the town where sister 1 lives. Sister 2 and I both think that sister 1 may have manipulated her into changing her will in her favour. I don't need the money (if there is any) but sister 2 could certainly do with some.

I'll keep posting here as it helps to get things out and I know this is not the place where I'm being judged. As I said my husband is a bit mystified by it all but I will be having a heart-to-heart with him later today. I was in a bit of shock yesterday and he probably thinks my reactions have been very cold so far.

[Ireland1957]

Well, I just phoned the hospital in England and she is not in a coma but is conscious and has opened her eyes and is moving in the bed though not talking. But she is still not expected to last very long. Though I think she might last longer than people expect - I always used to say it was her bitterness and spite that kept her going for so many years. She is 88 so not a bad lifespan. She may have had a stroke that caused her to fall, or she may have fallen hard and caused a bleed in her brain.

I also spoke to sister 2 on the phone afterwards. As I said, I can't travel for a funeral but they can as the rules are less strict in England. We both said that despite everything we felt sorry for her, as her personality has meant she has never really had friends and cut her off from much of her own family.

[PeanutButter]

Im so sorry for the turn of events you are now dealing with.
ime Make sure to eat, drink, and get rest during this unexpected situation.
Give yourself lots of compassion and acceptance for your emotions.imo

[Truffledog]

I can empathise with you. My mother abandoned me to her mother and left for another country. I was lucky in ways I had peace with my grandparents but an alcoholic uncle got separated moved in and bullied and seriously ruined formative years for me. I've blocked it out. I can't say too much in one post but my mother came back and destroyed my life, was fixated on crushing any spirit I had. I know where you are at a little. Be careful of all that wills business it's one of their tools to torment and break you. This is sadistic and although they are npds their actions are pure evil. Your natural inclination to be a son and try step through the past Sommes and Verduns to try be normal in their old age, if at least for yourself, leaves you open, covered in their muck, to get another slap in the face. Another humiliation and they to play victim to someone after. I feel for you. It is cruel, an abomination of nature how they have treated us, and as peanutbutter says nobody understands, I found that others, women especially, just thought I was some luntic, that anything I said was unfathomable to anything maternal. They don't get it because it isn't human nature especially female nature. They think this impossible. Go easy. A lot of us Irish have been screwed up as you well know. I'm new so trying to work on myself first. Be careful not to bottle things up because it is tough what you are going through now and protect yourself from any dynamics yonder in Blighty. You sound good. Keep getting stuff down but maybe grieve for your mother but more importantly, because of where we are and how we are, some self love: for yourself too and the little kid that grew up in that.

be strong