Alienating the people in my life

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SunnyMeadow

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Alienating the people in my life
« on: May 27, 2020, 01:01:15 PM »
Many people here write about how the NPD people in our lives all seem to have the same handbook. They act in similar ways. It's so true in the case of my elderly uNPD mother.

The thing that stands out to me recently is alienation. It's one of the traits written about here: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/alienation

My mother has alienated everyone. Every single person in her life and her husband's life. All of his kids and grand kids have be alienated and fully cut out of their lives. All neighbors and acquaintances too. Her husband has gone along with it, maybe it's easier for him to do so.

I'm still in very low contact with her and had the misfortune to visit recently. Throughout the years she says little things about my children. I figure she's just being a cranky old lady like she always is. It finally occurred to me that's she's trying to get ME to see my children in a bad light. Because I've always thought my mother had my best interests at heart, I'm a little slow to see her true self.  :-\

She told me something about my child that would royally piss her off! (her words) She told me what is was and I said.... doesn't bother me in the least bit. She knows I'm very close with this child and is trying to put a wedge between us. Now this makes me angry and I'm thinking back to the different things she's said and it's so typical for a NPD person. I really wish I wasn't so slow to see these tactics she uses. She's quite an evil woman.

If any of you have experienced this, do you call them out or gray rock and medium chill? My instinct is to gray rock the whole mess and lessen contact even more but maybe if I said something she'd stop? Or quite possibly it would cause WWIII.

Oh, how I wish my entire life wasn't consumed by her. Better yet, I wish I had a normal mother.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2020, 08:50:05 PM »
Quote
If any of you have experienced this, do you call them out or gray rock and medium chill? My instinct is to gray rock the whole mess and lessen contact even more but maybe if I said something she'd stop? Or quite possibly it would cause WWIII.

Although I haven't had this exact experience I can say I've handled different situations different ways depending. The idea of any of these is not to try to make someone stop but to either self protect or stand up for yourself depending on what you want.

The times I called out bad behavior was strictly for the goal a finding my voice and standing up for myself knowing full well the wave of rage that would follow. I got to where standing in my power, claiming my human rights and having my voice outweighed the repercussions.

In fact at the same time I had fear, morbid dread and panic attacks I internally welcomed the rage feelng it justified my distance and pushed me to self protect more. Only on looking back do I feel that but while in the thick of things I was a total mess.

We cannot control or change others.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2020, 08:52:39 PM by Spring Butterfly »
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
· Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
· It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
· If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2020, 11:32:43 AM »
Very thought provoking post Spring Butterfly, thank you.

I always imagine me "finding my voice and standing up for myself" as I'm driving to her house, I play out different scenarios in my head. Then I don't stand up for myself and just want to get away from her. I hate that I still do this at my AGE!  :doh:

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blacksheep7

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2020, 01:52:32 PM »
I always imagine me "finding my voice and standing up for myself" as I'm driving to her house, I play out different scenarios in my head. Then I don't stand up for myself and just want to get away from her. I hate that I still do this at my AGE!  :doh:

Don't be so hard on yourself.  ;)
Give it time, practice.  Don't forget that we were raised to be compliant and silent.
It's a difficult road to travel.


My NM was disapproving the fact that I didn't want a relationship  with the eldest (brother) two years after  he came back to the family while his wife was dying of cancer.  It was sad, we was there for him.  We all forgave him for not showing up at major celebrations, weddings etc...
At the same time coming back after 35 yrs having seen him approximately five times, I saw his true colors.  I have to admit that he was very affected by our upbringing leaving home at 17 because of a physical altercation with Raging NF.  He self medicated all these years.

Would call my parents once a year, not me, not even on my birthday or xmas holidays.  That really hurt my feelings. Sometimes came in to town and wouldn't even visit with us, only his wife's side of the family.  His wife (long story) was my best friend. I confronted her when she smeared me to my sister who was visiting her.  Then she had it with my N parents so we didn't see them.
He didn't know my children or the other nieces and nephews.  My ds as a teenager wanted to have a relationship with him so I gave him his email but brother never followed up.

NM being a widow and bro coming back Wanted a Big Happy Family and she viewed it as if I was sabotaging it even though she saw his acting out (we went on a vacation together).  She complained to me be about my kids not having called their uncle on his birthday. Like  :doh:   Very high expectations for someone who didn't give a …… about us before.  In the end, b admitted that he had an addiction problem….it still remains the same.

 I did confront her about bro and in  the end I went nc with NM.   We are always in the wrong with PD parents, they have an answer or excuse for everything.  «let's start fresh»  yeah right.

I did not attend my sil funeral.  Why should I???   I had no relationship with her after she married bro and it's not because I didn't try.  She had her pain  of her upbringing to carry, making everyone else miserable.  Of course my whole foo went....just for appearances.  Crap.

take care
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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moglow

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2020, 04:01:46 PM »
Sunny, as recently as mothers day weekend, mommie dearest made a comment about one of my nieces/her eldest granddaughter - one mother knows that I'm not only fairly close to but we work together every day. I think the brother who was at this visit with me was grasping for conversation and we were talking about niece's chosen profession and how well suited she is to it.

Mother -apropos of nothing- gets that tight lipped judgmental look and tone and says well I just can't approve of her lifestyle choices and will never understand. Um okay, not sure that's ANY of your personal business but you do you. Not one thing to do with niece's profession or the conversation at hand, mother just digging because that's what she does. I did give her a feigned confused look and told her, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything? Mother tried to elaborate as if I hadn't a clue what she was trying to say, she just wanted to be all judgmental and gossip. NOPE, not with me she's not.

Now mind, this is my same niece that mother said [when she was a little girl!] that she just doesn't like her. Furthermore, as far as I know mother's not laid eyes on this niece since her high school graduation [niece is 30ish now] AND I know for a fact that mother was neither invited to or attended either college OR her doctorate graduations, so yeah. I'm sure her opinion carries much weight.  :roll:


But yes, I'd gray rock the hell out of that kind of garbage. She can think whatever she wants, you don't EVER have to sit there and listen to it. Mother got way to comfy way too fast [I'd not seen her in over two years, and only allow/participate with limited contact as it is] and thought she could be revert to form. No ma'am, not on my watch. I'll go right on back to vvvlc!!!
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2020, 05:48:04 PM »
Very thought provoking post Spring Butterfly, thank you.

I always imagine me "finding my voice and standing up for myself" as I'm driving to her house, I play out different scenarios in my head. Then I don't stand up for myself and just want to get away from her. I hate that I still do this at my AGE!  :doh:
keep visualizing! Great exercise. It started with me as a tiny literal whisper at the age of 50 so agree tread gently on your heart. I told my inner child I was taking control and not letting anyone hurt her or us anymore but to please be patient while I worked out the details for us. Corny but it worked.
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
· Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
· It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
· If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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doglady

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2020, 08:04:25 PM »
I really hear you , Sunny Meadow. I also spend a lot of time rehearsing/replaying what I want to say and how I wish conversations had gone. It seems like all it does is waste a lot of time and energy,  but the human brain certainly does like to try and problem solve.

There’s also the internal conflict of knowing full well that there’s no point actually having these conversations with the PD person as they will generally lie, deny, justify or cry.

I completely understand the need for you to want to have your say. Sometimes we do end up throwIng caution to the winds of course and think, stuff it, I’m not shutting up about this any more, why should I, after all, they always get their say, etc etc. And when you let it out it can feel good, although it never changes anything, so then you cycle back through Why did I even? Because it doesn’t matter how rational and eloquent you are, how calm you stay, how sensible you sound, IT WILL NEVER WORK on them. Because they don’t want it to. They have too much invested in sustaining their surreal world view. I know, I tried it on more than one occasion. These days I’m basically NC now with FOO and ILs and much happier for it. I couldn’t solve it. And I have better things to do with my life.

I really liked Starboard Song’s suggestion on another thread that he just plans his garden or works on a Maths or philosophical puzzle when he starts to ruminate on his PDILs. I’ve started doing similar, or planning my next knitting projects whenever I start thinking of the PDs in my life. Needless to say have a lot of knitting planned now!! Sometimes we have to do what we can to break the habit. PDs are problems we will never solve. Staying away from them is pretty much always the best recourse. Best wishes to you. You’re doing great.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Alienating the people in my life
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2020, 10:07:11 PM »
Thanks to all for your replies! It's so validating to talk to people who understand.

I appreciate your thoughts and stories about what's gone on with your own PD person. They are exhausting! You have given me ideas and food for thought.

 :heythere: thanks