Take 2 (3, actually)

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Take 2 (3, actually)
« on: May 27, 2020, 06:36:21 PM »
Hello, brave ones,

Three weeks to the day of her release from rehab, Nmom fell again. She wasn't going to try to get help or tell anyone. Her adult day carers stopped by with her lunch and she wouldn't (couldn't)  let them in, so they had the manager open the door and there she was on the floor, unable to get up and not exactly lucid.  She was sent to the ER from hell, where they do nothing helpful and make discharge plans without consulting all parties involved. When her adult day carer phoned me later to tell me Nmom was at said ER, I called them and told them I was not able to transport her at all if they sent her home. (I really do have strep and inner ear infection, but was not going to be at the ready when they would not even check with me.) "Oh, she said you would," the nurse tried to guilt. "Lady, I can't even walk across the floor in a straight line, I'm not driving!"  I hoped they'd at least hold her overnight, but no, they sent her home in a cab. I kept in touch via phone and had paid caregivers there this morning to help her pack up for rehab (again).

Her caregivers are angels. They had a long, soon to be forgotten talk with her about how she needs to transition to long term care after rehab this time. She's all for it, for now. She'll change her mind, if she does well again, but this time, as POA, I'm going to make the call to have her transition. She can blame me and fuss and fume, but so be it. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be, but my unwell-ness has me pretty blah, which is a blessing. 

Thanks for support over these nearly four years of getting (mostly) OOTF.  I think the biggest face-smacker for me is regret .... I regret I couldn't help her. I regret she couldn't find her own healing.  I regret I couldn't have the mother I wanted/needed.  I regret we'll never have a real relationship, but a co-existence where MC helps me survive.  I regret years I wasted trying to please her.  I regret years of putting myself and my FOC last.  I'll try not to wallow in it, but sometimes one must dance with a little melancholy to honor these deeply sad feelings, to validate ourselves when no one else will.  Hubs sent a sweet text, when I hadn't even shared the regrets I feel, telling me what a good wife, mom and daughter I am and I should have no regrets.  I take that as a good and sweet omen and I am thankful for the gift of this amazing DH and FOC.

Peace, y'all.  We so deserve it!  xoxoxo   :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen



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Re: Take 2 (3, actually)
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2020, 05:06:54 PM »

I understand those regrets, the sadness, maybe you can find some anger too when you feel a little better and have more energy.

It took a determined social worker from the rehab facility, doctors from the hospital as well as rehab place, B, me and some voodoo to get F into an SNL (after several falls and Injuries). His agreement kept wavering and we kept going another few rounds, till he finally went. I hope it goes a little easier for you and you get some competent help from the rehab place.

Feel better soon!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)