New and going NC with MIL

Started by mimicoto, May 28, 2020, 12:34:04 AM

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mimicoto

Hi all!  I participated in this forum many, many years ago in the early days of discovering that my MIL had BPD+N....can't even remember how long it has been at this point, but one thing is for sure - it doesn't get better with time.

I have wanted to go NC for many, many years now, however my DH has been deep in the FOG and wouldn't hear of it. We've been married for 17 years now - I believe she was diagnosed in about 2006, so this has been a long and painful road.  MIL doesn't know of her Dx - it was a family counselor who shared this with DH along with advice about how to manage interactions with her.

The details are not terribly important right now and I've wasted more than enough of my life dissecting and trying to understand her. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back arrived a few days ago, and although I am feeling bruised and exhausted, I have decided that it is time to go NC. DH can do what he pleases - he has been gradually coming Out of the FOG over the past 2 years, has been 'medium chill' with her for a while now, and may be done. In any case, I am not prepared to do the dance any longer and feel NC is the healthiest way for me to move forward.

We do have children - now teens - who know how she is and that she is not a well person. They avoid her like the plague - they've been burned too. DH does have them call her regularly (we live an ocean apart, although you'd never know by the space she takes up in our lives), but has been less insistent of late.

I'm hoping to find some support and suggestions as I enter this next phase - especially from those who go NC with an in-law when the spouse is still involved with his or her parent. DH and I have a very strong relationship, but how we handle MIL, and her constant drama have been huge issues for the entirety of our 20 year history.

Starboard Song

I know I've seen people do it: take separate approaches between the two spouses. I guess if the kids are grown and there is a great physical distance, it should be possible.

My wife and I are 4 1/2 years NC from her parents. We were 100% together all the way, but we did leave a lifeline open to them and it was through me. We figured me being not-their-kid it would be easier for me to compartmentalize, and not get entangled. In any case, there's only been one conversation in all that time.

Welcome back to Out of the FOG. I am glad your marriage remains strong. You and DH don't have to do exactly the same thing, but you do need to understand and respect one another.

I hope our community provides the support you need.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

treesgrowslowly

Hello and welcome,

It's definitely possible for you to be NC with her while he slowly gets out of  fog. Ultimately the walking Out of the FOG is one each individual takes. Some couples do it at the same time but not all.

When people put pressure on you to tolerate the same fog that they tolerate it puts tremendous stress on a marriage. Hopefully over time your NC is seen as a right you have. You didn't marry her!

MILs do not have some inalienable right to access and contact. When they are unwell and PD and not treating people well, it is not our job to simply tolerate that for the entire marriage. I think about that saying that seems to apply to PD MILs. They want us to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm. No thanks.

Sounds like your family is moving away from her PD damaging ways, psychologically and emotionally. Hopefully your husband can talk to a counsellor about his own experiences and you can free your marriage. She has had influence over it for a long time.

Trees

mimicoto

Thank you for the warm welcome and encouraging words. I'm not able to express myself very well at the moment - it has been an exhausting and numbing week with this last, intense round of interfering and drama - but it does feel good to know that others have walked the same path.

@Treesgrowslowly - your message resonated particularly deeply. Thank you .... much nodding in agreement.  I loved this statement ...

Quote from: treesgrowslowly on May 29, 2020, 05:53:38 AM
I think about that saying that seems to apply to PD MILs. They want us to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm. No thanks.

Call Me Cordelia

Hi and welcome (back). I'm NC with my uNMIL, husband is LC. Our marriage is eleven years strong but navigating this is not easy. It's been a year and a half NC for me, and every time she or a flying monkey tries to bust through it I'm a wreck for a couple of days. Fortunately those attempts have been few. It sounds like you're under attack right now and you're feeling flustered.

When I made a NC decision, first with my parents, then MIL and FIL, then my siblings, I always sat on it for a few days. I'm glad of that. I took care of myself and got comfortable with the idea, and confident that I was making a good rational choice and not merely reacting to a "last straw." You don't need to put on pressure to decide. You can be NC just for today, as see how you feel tomorrow. And if you still feel this way in a few days, it will be easier to talk to DH about it without the adrenaline still pumping. I don't mean to suggest you should change your mind, just that for myself, doing my due diligence up front really helped down the road when the inevitable doubts and amnesia crept in.

The main source of tension for us is that DH holds onto the hope and the expectation of "someday" whereas I feel D-O-N-E. And I've felt that for about 500 tomorrows so I just really don't want to ask the question anymore. My boundaries with DH had to be more defined.