Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....

  • 9 Replies
  • 549 Views
*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1151
Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« on: May 28, 2020, 06:22:35 AM »
I try not to get involved but I am honestly embarrassed by the way Dad treats people. Its almost as if no-one else matters as long as he gets what he wants.

This week has been great. Hes expected me to phone his "meals on wheels" to pay the bill even though they've said hang on we're busy we'll send you the bill. No consideration of the fact that these people are busy providing food for vulnerable people - he doesnt like "owing money to people".

And his calls to GP. Another one this week to call the GP to visit him. Slight pain in his side..... GP comes out nothing wrong with him. I've lost count the number of times hes done this. It just doesn't sit right with me - doctors are run off their feet with covid and Dad calls them for nothing. Its just plain wrong....

Hes been banned from call outs in the past because he abused the system. He just wont stop doing it though. He went through a phase with the emergency ambulance too.
He just seems to have ZERO consideration for anyone else. The slightest thing - if he wants it then everyone had better damn well accomodate him.

At the moment, I'm trying not to get involved. His GP is an adult if he wont tell him no then why should I worry? If dad gets banned well hes been warned....

Its hard to see your Dad, acting, if I'm perfectly honest, in a completely selfish and disrespectul way. I always though when my Dad got older, I'd look at him with such respect. I have none for him at all these days and it makes me sad that its got like this.

Yes I know. I've got to expect this. He wont change ever. Nor does he want to. I've got to ignore him and let him get on with it haven't I?

*

nanotech

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 530
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2020, 07:59:22 AM »
My dad too, with the ambulances, and also heíd jump in a taxi and visit casualty, all for minor or imagined problems.
Heís not doing so at the moment of course. Iíve witnessed his being very rude and obnoxious to NHS staff,  who were being lovely and kind to him.
Sigh.
Iím sorry your dad is like this.
Yes, we want to look up to them and respect them.
You are doing so well in putting up boundaries and coping well with his histrionic behaviour.
Whatís hitting you now is a bit of grief I think.

Once we drop our expectations and accept that they are very disordered and unable to be reasoned with, we lose what we had before, little bit of hope that if we just meet their needs they will turn into the loving, wise parent we wanted and needed all these years.
And we can no longer pretend that everything is okay and itís all normal and nice. We feel the loss.
Iím more or less through it with my dad. J had to go through it with two of my siblings as well. All through this pandemic Iíve only been in contact with one sister. A few years ago,  I would have been running round like an idiot trying to deal with UNPD older sisterís histrionics at being on her own during a pandemic.
My UNPDbrother has decided that Iíve gone crazy or senile and has told other family members this, my daughter included. All because I no longer answer his passive aggressive texts, or his flying monkey texts about dadís supposed latest health concern.
Itís harder when itís a parent. One day if will be a real health concern, and heís cried wolf so often that maybe the hospital staff too will roll their eyes at him as heís wheeled in.
I put a massive foot down with dad. He canít ring me late. He canít expect me to down tools and rush to the hospital for imagined illnesses. When he lapses into negative talk and gets aggresssive and dark towards me on the phone, I now end the call. The latter was the very last of the abusive tools to be addressed by me,  and dad still tries to get it in there during phone calls. For a long LONG time, I didnít recognise it as abuse. Heís subtle and he will start off polite and cordial, but before you know it, it has begun. But then I discontinue the call. Then I donít ring him for a while. This isnít silent treatment, itís a boundary. Sadly my dad interprets this as silent treatment, accepts this, and when the next call comes he behaves himself. But later the pattern will begin again. I canít change dad, but I can protect myself.
Sigh.
Any Ďdecentí daughter would be calling every day atm. Iím calling weekly, if that. Sometimes I literally stop myself ringing. Thereís a residual addiction there,  to play the family game  of disfunction. Iím beating it.
 My dad has had to adjust his behaviour toward me, heís had to, to stay in contact, but itís on a superficial level.  Heíll never change. He wonít change.
 

« Last Edit: May 31, 2020, 08:29:42 AM by nanotech »

*

PeanutButter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 895
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2020, 10:19:01 AM »
Yes I understand.

 My denial protected me. I dug in my heels hard. I held on ever so tightly to it. Because if I didnt the truth I would have to face was incredibly painful. It was going to be so painful that I couldnt survive it. That is what I had convinced myself. That accepting the truth would kill me.

I teetered back and forth; in and out of my old patterns of thinking before I finally let go for good.

 I would humbly suggest to you that there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. You are not selfish and lacking in empathy. Your dads behavior is not reflective on you. You are NOT in any way, shape, or form responsible for him. Do you believe that?

When you hear about some ahole being inconsiderate of people do you think "wow what terrible child they must have to let them act like that?"  :no:

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1677
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2020, 11:35:41 AM »
I really relate to this. I used to be so ashamed of how my entire family behaves towards others.

It took me a really long time but now I understand that I am not my family and it is not my role to apologize or make up for them.  This came with the growth in my confidence and self esteem and working on my enmeshment with my family.

I used to dread people meeting my family and Iíd spend ages explaining and defending their behavior. Now I let it go. Itís not my problem.

I am confident enough in my self that I know people will see me for who I am.

Reading and putting into practice what I learned from Codependent No More and reading tons of online articles and testimonies around Codependency was the biggest help in this area.   

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1151
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2020, 11:54:24 AM »
My dad too, with the ambulances, and also heíd jump in a taxi and visit casualty, all for minor or imagined problems.
Heís not doing so at the moment of course. Iíve witnessed his being very rude and obnoxious to NHS staff,  who were being lovely and kind to him.
Sigh.
Iím sorry your dad is like this.
Yes, we want to look up to them and respect them.
You are doing so well in putting up boundaries and coping well with his histrionic behaviour.
Whatís hitting you now is a bit of grief I think.

Once we drop our expectations and accept that they are very disordered and unable to be reasoned with, we lose what we had before, little bit of hope that if we just meet their needs they will turn into the loving, wise parent we wanted and needed all these years.
And we can no longer pretend that everything is okay and itís all normal and nice. We feel the loss.
Iím more or less through it with my dad. J had to go through it with two of my siblings as well. All through this pandemic Iíve only been in contact with one sister. A few years ago,  I would have been running round like an idiot trying to deal with UNPD older sisterís histrionics at being on her own during a pandemic.
My UNPDbrother has decided that Iíve gone crazy or senile and has told other family members this, my daughter included. All because I no longer answer his passive aggressive texts, or his flying monkey texts about dadís supposed latest health concern.
Itís harder when itís a parent. One day if will be a real health concern, and heís cried wolf so often that maybe the hospital staff too will roll their eyes at him as heís wheeled in.
I put a massive foot down with dad. He canít ring me late. He canít expect me to down tools and rush to the hospital for imagined illnesses. When he lapses into negative talk and gets aggresssive and dark towards me on the phone, I now end the call. The latter was the very last of the abusive tools to be addressed by me,  and dad still tries to get it in there during phone calls. For a long LONG time, I didnít recognise it as abuse. Heís subtle and he will start off polite and cordial, but before you know it, it has begun. But then I discontinue the call. Then I donít ring him for a while. This isnít silent treatment, itís a boundary. Sadly my dad interprets this as silent treatment, accepts this, and when the next call comes he behaves himself. But later the pattern will begin again. I canít change dad, but I can protect myself.
Sigh.
Any Ďdecentí daughter would be calling every day atm. Iím calling weekly, if that. Sometimes I literally stop myself ringing. Thereís a residual addiction there,  to play the family game  of disfunction. Iím beating it.
 My dad has had to adjust his behaviour toward me, heís had to, to stay in contact, but itís on a superficial level.  Heíll never change. He wonít change.

Hi Nano - sounds like a nightmare. Dad is similar and different. He rarely gets negative or aggressive but he contantly pushes. Do this do that. And always has some weird opinion that I should have.

Nah don't ring him. Im down to twice a week now. Dad always says "ring me tomorrow". Yeh no chance. Like you I'm guessing I dread the phone call because I dont know what hes going to come up with. It could be stories of how he called an ambulance again, how its so urgent I do something, how I shouldnt go to florida for a good few years even if they say its ok. I literally have to sit down for 5 minutes, take deep breaths and say "dont let him wind you up" x20.

*

nanotech

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 530
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2020, 09:56:35 PM »
Iím sorry you are going through this with your dad.
I think the general advice on here is to try your best to accept it and also to never ever feel responsible for it. 
I think this is the key, that they see us as the protectors of their personal happiness.
This entitlement will include us needing to  change our holiday plans if they donít feel comfortable about them.
We are expected to amend OUR  lifestyles so that THEY donít have to fret or sweat about possible risks. While they may say they are concerned about us, itís really all about them.
Well Florida ainít no school trip that heís paying for- so you make your own decision and donít for a minute listen to him about how thatís going to make HIM feel. Thatís his stuff, not yours.
Youíre not a child who has to answer to him any more.
Just donít discuss it with him. If he goes off on a rant, find a reason ( or not) and end the call.
Meanwhile,😊 you and your family  take care .

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1151
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2020, 06:12:01 AM »
Iím sorry you are going through this with your dad.
I think the general advice on here is to try your best to accept it and also to never ever feel responsible for it. 
I think this is the key, that they see us as the protectors of their personal happiness.
This entitlement will include us needing to  change our holiday plans if they donít feel comfortable about them.
We are expected to amend OUR  lifestyles so that THEY donít have to fret or sweat about possible risks. While they may say they are concerned about us, itís really all about them.
Well Florida ainít no school trip that heís paying for- so you make your own decision and donít for a minute listen to him about how thatís going to make HIM feel. Thatís his stuff, not yours.
Youíre not a child who has to answer to him any more.
Just donít discuss it with him. If he goes off on a rant, find a reason ( or not) and end the call.
Meanwhile,😊 you and your family  take care .

Thanks nano - you're right here of course. I never understand how he thinks hes even got an opinion in what I do!

Im 52 years old BTW so not a kid. I've had jobs where I've travelled and worked all over europe (IT support but not as much fun as it sounds!).
He rarely leaves the town he was born in so has ZERO idea. Its like hes in his own little bubble.

His best ever was when his neighbour called me over one day. Shes mad as a box of frogs. She then told me how upset Dad was and how stressed he was and he was so worried because I was GOING TO AMERICA!!!!! Honestly, I was fuming. Anyone would I'd signed up for a covert special forces op in afghanistan or something. I could not believe he'd tried to rope his neighbour in like this.

I've tried to talk to him MANY times nicely that worrying about things like that is probably a bit OTT. You may have sign his latest "worry" about the leak. Nope - there is no such thing as mental problems. I'm often tempted to use his own words when hes being excessively anxious about things like this "well pull you're socks up a bit then!".


*

nanotech

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 530
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2020, 07:56:52 AM »
Two of my children went to America  at different times, travelling. or working. Both stayed for months. 
Despite my own anxiety issues passed down from my PDparents, I took a deep breath.... and I totally trusted them to look after themselves. They did, and they came home as more independent and confident people. The change was palpable. Travel is so good for emotional health.
PD parents have a mission to stop us enjoying ourselves and developing as people. about conveying a lack of trust, itís about feeling like they are in control, itís about how they see us. They view us as an extension of them.
THEY wouldnít go, so we shouldnít.
Conversely, my dad used to travel a heck of a lot with his work. Lots of flying round the world for conferences and promotions.
He often brags,even now, about how many countries and capital cities heís visited.
His list doesnít include America though. Sadly, he sees any of his children or grandkids going abroad as a kind of threat to his own achievements. This is especially true if itís a country he hasnít visited.
He coped with my childrenís America trips by ignoring them.
Our holidays were always in the UK, as mum was scared of flying. It was as if dad had two lives. His work life and his family life. Mum stayed at home and didnít work so no threat there. She would get a part -time job now and again but my dad would devalue it like crazy and sheíd leave.
I was meant to go to Italy in May. Dad chuckled when I told him it had been cancelled due to the pandemic. Cheers dad!

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1151
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2020, 12:23:36 PM »
Two of my children went to America  at different times, travelling. or working. Both stayed for months. 
Despite my own anxiety issues passed down from my PDparents, I took a deep breath.... and I totally trusted them to look after themselves. They did, and they came home as more independent and confident people. The change was palpable. Travel is so good for emotional health.
PD parents have a mission to stop us enjoying ourselves and developing as people. about conveying a lack of trust, itís about feeling like they are in control, itís about how they see us. They view us as an extension of them.
THEY wouldnít go, so we shouldnít.
Conversely, my dad used to travel a heck of a lot with his work. Lots of flying round the world for conferences and promotions.
He often brags,even now, about how many countries and capital cities heís visited.
His list doesnít include America though. Sadly, he sees any of his children or grandkids going abroad as a kind of threat to his own achievements. This is especially true if itís a country he hasnít visited.
He coped with my childrenís America trips by ignoring them.
Our holidays were always in the UK, as mum was scared of flying. It was as if dad had two lives. His work life and his family life. Mum stayed at home and didnít work so no threat there. She would get a part -time job now and again but my dad would devalue it like crazy and sheíd leave.
I was meant to go to Italy in May. Dad chuckled when I told him it had been cancelled due to the pandemic. Cheers dad!

Yeh spot on about them wanting you do what they would do. It amazes me sometimes....

I mean how on earth would an 86 year old man whos never left his hometown think that his opinion for his 50 odd year old son as to how safe somewhere is to go on holiday make any odds at all?

Awful that you're Dad laughed when your holiday was cancelled. Thats not nice.

*

Apparently-wicked

  • New Member
  • *
  • 14
Re: Ashamed of how Dad behaves and treats people....
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2020, 06:14:38 AM »
PD parents have a mission to stop us enjoying ourselves and developing as people. about conveying a lack of trust, itís about feeling like they are in control, itís about how they see us. They view us as an extension of them.
THEY wouldnít go, so we shouldnít


It's horrible and nauseating getting your head around this aspect isn't it. Luckily for me the routine overt psychological abuse stopped when I left home at 16. But he always put a dampenedŗ on anything I shared with him. I think I've already mentioned how he said 'oh dear' when I told him I was pregnant. I was 31. Once you identify this element all the other instances pop up and you have to face the truth. It's not that they're largely uninterested, although they are, its actually malevolent. It's more than them not caring. It's a desire for you to have nothing. And as a parent myself it's truly vomit inducing to identify this. To see that they would want you to be sad. Their own child. And this is the heart of the issue. For years I thought I was dealing with largely a neglect and disinterested parent when it's so much more than that.