How long does it take to let go

Freebird228 · May 28, 2020, 10:42:59 AM

How long does it take for a DIL to be ok with the fact that her NMIL will always hate her?

GettingOOTF · May 28, 2020, 11:17:29 AM

I was never able to let go. I ended up divorcing. There were of course many many issues in my marriage and my husband was eventually diagnosed with BPD.

That said our issues and a major contributing factor to the trouble and stress in our marriage was his mother, the way she treated me and his refusal to stand up for me. I could have handled the treatment if I’d know I had his support. He chose his family in a million different ways every single time. “It’s just how she is” was a phrase he used over and over instead of confronting the issue. The issue was never her treatment of me, always my reaction to it.

I now see that many of his issues were a direct result of his upbringing. It’s very difficult and very rare for family dynamics to change. The only thing you can do is work on not letting it get to you. I’ve found therapy and Codependent No More very helpful in this.

Starboard Song · May 28, 2020, 11:53:15 AM

So many depends-ons.

We are 4 1/2 years NC from my in-laws. My wife and I have been in near lockstep on this since our crisis began. I think it is oh so critical that your spouse understand and value your experience.

But it mostly depends on what you endure because of it. If you and your spouse erect strong barriers, you'll never again tolerate direct mistreatment. Any future unkindness will be brief and controlled. And your DH will meet that unkindness with a consoling hug and strong support.

I'm not saying that level of improvement is easy. But I think the two biggest things that will make her feelings more acceptable are (1) knowing your life partner understands and supports you, and (2) in fact minimizing bad behavior to which you are exposed.

Be good. Be strong.

Freebird228 · May 28, 2020, 03:48:47 PM

Thank you for your replies and encouragement. We have been dealing with this for 10 years. And it has finally taken until now for my husband to take a stand and really be my guard. And it's not just my NMIL. It's all of her flying monkeys she has to do her dirty work to attack me. But my DH is finally seeing them all for who they are. They are toxic. I don't want their issues to pour into our children's lives that's why I've always taken a stand. You would think that it wouldn't hurt so bad though? Like why should I care that she hates me so much. She has hated me for 10 years.. nothing new.

Starboard Song · May 28, 2020, 04:08:01 PM

Quote from: Freebird228 on May 28, 2020, 03:48:47 PM
You would think that it wouldn't hurt so bad though? Like why should I care that she hates me so much.

Don't be so hard on yourself. My in-laws are totally out of my life, and yet still it just slays me that they are angry and resentful over imagined or inflamed reasons. I never go a week, still!, without arguing in my head with them.

We all want love. And when wronged we want vindication. It's ok. With any healthy counterpart those drives are salutary. The need to suppress them when dealing with PDs feels hard and unnatural because it really is.

You're doing great, even if it has been 10 years.

GettingOOTF · May 28, 2020, 04:24:45 PM

Of course you care. She’s your husband’s mother and the grandmother of your children. Caring is a natural and healthy response.

The trick is to find balance between a natural reaction and letting it impact your life.

I’m glad your husband is onboard. I think that ups your chances for a good outcome significantly.

Someone told me, and it took me years to take in properly, “what other people think of you is none of your business”. I try to follow this when dealing with issues within my own dysfunctional family.

There is a lot of support and experience here. We have all travelled different paths but for the most past we all want the same thing - to be happy, loved and fulfilled in our relationships. I’m sure you will find a lot here for you.

Freebird228 · May 28, 2020, 06:22:48 PM

Thank you again. I came on to this page about 3 years ago when things got bad again with my in-laws. My NMIL decided it would be funny to give my 16 month old son her beer and kept letting him drink it and kept offering it to him while I wasn't there. I approached her about it and she flipped saying I was a drama queen and here I go again creating unnecessary drama. So we went NC for a little while. And tried again but then ultimately things felll apart again. Which I feel this door keeps on shutting for a reason and I shouldn't keep trying to open it after time passes because nothing will change. She has slandered my marriage and me to the fullest. I think the biggest thing for me is to let go of the hatred I have for her. It consumes me. Eats me alive. I don't want to hate her or anyone of them. I want to be free. And I will get there. It's just taking longer than I'd ever imagined.

bloomie · May 29, 2020, 08:37:20 AM

freebird228 - I am glad you have returned for support as you process a new layer of awareness in this painful relationship.

Quote from: Freebird228 on May 28, 2020, 10:42:59 AM
How long does it take for a DIL to be ok with the fact that her NMIL will always hate her?

I can't say how long for sure... I can only say for me that when my own H began to come Out of the FOG with his family member's active hostility toward me and take a stand with me I think for the first time I felt safe enough to face the reality of the extent of my uPDmil's dislike of me. My energy could shift from being the only one seeing the grave issues and forming boundaries and keeping vigil to working through the emotional impact of dealing with toxic and targeted animus.

I don't know about you, but I had experienced years of repeated trauma like triggering before, during, and after contact of any kind. I had been conditioned, over the years of naive openness to my in laws and returning to a closer relationship with them after another toxic incident out of FOG, to expect harm. There had been created around all exchanges an atmosphere of risk and a kind of impending doom.

There was most often something unpleasant coming my way much of the time. My brain had been wired to go on high alert with the slightest contact because I knew from past experience there was something unpleasant coming and it felt like there was no escaping it.

Realizing that highly influential people in my H's life were actively attempting to divide our family and 'win' back their son's affections - to damage our lives and family if it meant winning him back from me - was inexplicable and terribly painful.

It has taken me digging into the why of it on my side of the street (understanding trauma responses and grief) and acknowledging just how toxic their behaviors are and how total their rejection of me as a family member and time.... working through the pain of this. It will get better. It may not feel like it today or even tomorrow, but it will. And we are here and we understand what you are going through.

This is not a normal pattern of familial relationships. And our hearts know it and we grieve it.

Freebird228 · May 29, 2020, 02:22:22 PM

Thank you Bloomie for your wisdom. I know I can only control my emotions, my reactions. And it has been proven that no matter what I do, they will always reject me. And that's ok. Luckily I come from a very a big healthy, loving family. And we have a big support system. Our boys have my mom who is two grandmothers in one. Not that I would want our children around his family, but they want nothing to do with our kids either. Which really is a blessing in disguise. Rejection hurts but for only as long as I allow it. I appreciate all of you reaching out and supporting me through this tough time.

treesgrowslowly · May 30, 2020, 08:26:56 AM

Hello,

Well the time about her giving your baby a beer reminds me of my NPD mother who did crap like that too. I believe you when you say this has been misery to deal with. I believe you.

Just that itself that she did with the baby , is the sign of such poor judgement on her part and the way she defended her right to do these things is a big red flag about how she sees the world. What she wants is what she wants.

I am glad you are here on this forum because the toolbox is really helpful with helping us all to depersonalize their N behavior.

Trees

roughdiamonds1 · June 01, 2020, 05:13:54 AM

I can very much relate to that feeling of not being able to let go completely, even though I know by going NC with my toxic ILs, everything is in its correct box and as it should be. It feels like raw grief to me. And while it might be the case that by reducing contact with certain people means I no longer have to deal with the damage those relationships do to me, there is still a sense of loss in there too. It feels like the loss of a relationship the way it was (whether it's good or bad, it's still a loss), and also a loss for the way I desperately wanted things to be. It's also the seething anger of injustice, which seems to bite hard.

It's taken a long time for me to get on top of some of those feelings (after several years and all kinds of healing therapies), but these painful feelings and thoughts still come back to me quite regularly depending on what's going on with me generally. But they don't come as much as they used to, and the feelings now come in slightly different forms and in lesser intensity.

One thing that has helped me that is quite an easy thing to do is guided meditations... visualising cutting chords with my ILs (I do a session for one person at a time though), and sending them white light. I know it sounds a bit woo woo, but it's a gentle way of reaffirming to my subconscious that these people are not welcome in my thoughts and are not welcome to steal my energy any more. There are lots of these on YouTube, so just google if you're interested.

Freebird228 · June 01, 2020, 09:34:19 PM

Thank you both for your words and support. In these last few days I've really taken in my thoughts and my actions. I'm really trying to focus on the good and focus my energy on being a great mom and wife. Which we all know consumes a lot of energy!! And I'll look into it Diamonds. Sounds interesting. Thanks for the tips. And I agree. It does feel like a loss even though it was a bad loss.