new here

[StarLightStarBright]

Hello,

I was living with my bf and he demanded I leave last week. There had been several fights and issues. There were times in the past he would say I should just go. This time I left. He wanted me to return immediately. I said I needed time to think. I went and got the rest of my things on Sunday. He has dropped contact. I miss him and miss the companionship. It was the closest thing I've had to a real relationship in decades. I wonder if I did the right thing. I feel hopeless and alone.

I found my way here through some review on an amazon book.

I truly think he has some disorder. Maybe OC, maybe narcissitic.

I truly think I have some disorder. Probably avoidant and dependent.

I miss him. My mother has pushed me to find some domestic abuse counseling.

I don't know if that is what this was, but there were volatile blow-ups, blamed for everything, cast in a bad light, flaws being pointed out, lack of kindness, lack of appreciation, controlling. I could do 100 things right, make one mistake and that is all he focused on and saw.

I don't think I can go back because if I did I would be here again in 2 weeks or less.

I'm trying to focus on myself. I have found a therapist and a short-term therapist for domestic abuse.

I don't know what to do.

I feel worse now than I did a week ago when I left. Alone and hopeless. And ashamed of myself and my lack of love and companionship in my life.

"You need to be ok with being alone before you can be with someone else" ...a mantra I've heard so many times. I've spent most of my life alone. Alone. And ok. I function. And sometimes I'm content.

But there is an underlying and relentless shame and sadness I share with no one. Who could understand? "You're so independent and successful!" they say. True. But so unhappy and so unfulfilled. So alone.

I don't know if I did the right thing. Maybe I should have turned around and come back.

I'm nearly 50. I've struggled with relationships. I've had few. All have ended with me wanting more, them wanting less.

Yes, I have friends. A few. Yes, I have supportive family. But it just feels superficial. They don't know the depth of my loneliness and shame.

Sometimes I hate myself.

He said I had no ability to be close to anyone. Maybe he could see my shortcomings and flaws. I tried.

I'm afraid he's right.

Where do I start.

[bloomie]

StarLightStarBright - you have started! You are doing important things to begin to heal and understand to the ability anyone can understand the behaviors of a most likely disordered loved one.

I am thankful you have reached out and so sorry for the pain and loss that brings you here.

Reaching out for support, getting some insights from a therapist or two, reading, learning, reaching for health, choosing you over someone who seems to have cast an atmosphere around you of invalidation and inspired insecurity in you is hard, but brave.

Some thoughts of resources that may be helpful to think through:

a great article that gives an overview of trauma bonding: https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/

a great book: The Betrayal Bond, Patrick Carnes

a great article about intermittent reinforcement:  https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

Make good use of the info at the dropdowns above and the toolbox is something I return to often.

Our Separating and Divorcing board is a place you will find others who are in varying stages of working through similar painful endings and that is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

Keep coming back and sharing. Read the posts and articles and check out the resources and know you are not alone. I look forward to supporting you and will see you out there on the boards.

[StarLightStarBright]

Thank you, Bloomie. This is helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

That's the perplexing thing - after leaving an abusive relationship one feels worse than before. I experienced the same. So glad that you get therapy. It helped me so much.  You are on a healing path, looking forward to seeing you around on the boards!

[StarLightStarBright]

That's the perplexing thing - after leaving an abusive relationship one feels worse than before. I experienced the same.

Do you know why that is?

[notrightinthehead]

I believe that all the unpleasant feelings, like anger and grief, that we had to suppress to continue with the relationship, come up. Much like withdrawal syptoms.

[PeanutButter]

Ime feeling worse without the abuser after breaking up was due to the addictive nature of the relationship.

I came from a dysfuntional upbringing. My ubpd/uspd M emotionally, verbally, and physically abused everyone in our home. My older uhpdS (by 3 years) was the golden child. She also abused me. I was the scapegoat. My enD enabled it all, neglecting me as a father most of the time. He did try to be my friend but that's not what I needed.

I now know that my ubpd/spdM could not love me. She was not capable. She did not love her self. I would say she even hated herself. That is the model I had.

Fast forward to I meet my first bf (eventually my unpdxH) and I fell for the charm and lovebombing hard. I propped my wobbly, weak, and almost non existent 'sense of self' up with this.

"Someone finally loved me." "I wasnt unlovable after all."  BUT; what if, he withdrew his 'love'? That is when I would dip to new lows. Lower each time he did it. It was a pattern. He liked doing that to me. So I put all my energy and focus on needing him to love me in order to feel happy with myself.

Even though I was not happy even with him. My brain had been hijacked by the chemical rewards of his charming attention. In the absence of ever being loved I thought this was love I was experiencing.

I think we must begin by turning our focus inward, go all the way back to the beginnig, deconstruct the maladaptive coping mechanisms/defences, and then rebuild a healthy sense of self (who we really are).

PS imo It is really important to try to find compassion for yourself.

[StarLightStarBright]

Thank you peanutbutter. What you have described as your experience rings true. I finally felt loved and was willing to give up my dignity to keep it going.

I think we must begin by turning our focus inward, go all the way back to the beginnig, deconstruct the maladaptive coping mechanisms/defences, and then rebuild a healthy sense of self (who we really are).

I've been in therapy over this relationship. For the second time now. And inching in that direction of trying to deconstruct my distorted lens due to my dysfunctional upbringing.

It's hard. I haven't been successful. I don't know why I can't let it go and see life in a new light. I don't know what keeps me stuck.

...yes ... self compassion is something I have been working on too.

It's hard to see beyond everything my experience has been. I hope this new therapist can get through. I hope I can see myself differently.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you peanutbutter. What you have described as your experience rings true. I finally felt loved and was willing to give up my dignity to keep it going.

I think we must begin by turning our focus inward, go all the way back to the beginnig, deconstruct the maladaptive coping mechanisms/defences, and then rebuild a healthy sense of self (who we really are).

I've been in therapy over this relationship. For the second time now. And inching in that direction of trying to deconstruct my distorted lens due to my dysfunctional upbringing.

It's hard. I haven't been successful. I don't know why I can't let it go and see life in a new light. I don't know what keeps me stuck.

...yes ... self compassion is something I have been working on too.

It's hard to see beyond everything my experience has been. I hope this new therapist can get through. I hope I can see myself differently.

I think that is great that you are in thearapy.

I have been doing thearapy off and on for many years. It is really hard.

These unconscious beliefs are deeply buried and not easy to dig up.

I definately held onto blame of myself/excuses for my parents for way too long.

Now I dont 'blame' my parents for any of my choices I made as an adult. However I couldnt move forward until I ackowledged the brutal reality of my childhood experience and the effects of it on my core being. Its not easy to admit. It was much easier to lie to myself so I dont have the pain and grief.

One of the reasons why it was hard is because of guilt/betrayal feelings towards my parents. I felt sorry for them.

But I mattered too. What about my child self? She didnt deserve any of that. No matter what their intentions were, they harmed an innoccent child, then blamed her for their abuse/neglect.

One of my core issues was 'self abandonment'. Self abandonment is kinda an internalization of our abuse. This explains it. IDK if you do videos but I have been helped tremendously by listening to Jerry Wise which was recommended by someone on this forum. https://youtu.be/vCNiOeRV0Co

[StarLightStarBright]

Thank you so much for this, peanutbutter. I've been listening to some of Jerry Wise's videos and they're very helpful.

Like you I have struggled to grieve for issues in my upbringing. In adulthood, I have gone from understanding them in a more logical sort of way, and then feeling sorry for them for having to have been such troubled people themselves, to working to rekindle new relationships with them.

But something for me was lost along the way.

And in all of this they didn't change that much themselves. I guess they changed some, because once one person changes in a relationship everyone does. Or everyone's forced to in a way.

When I moved out of my PD BF 's house last week, I was devastated. I have been isolated. So I ended up calling my mother and telling her what it had happened and about the odd and difficult circumstances of the relationship. She helped me with the technical aspect of it. She helped me to see that what he was doing was unkind and probably abusive. She got me from point a to b. In other words I got out. And I can see it was the best thing.

However during the last week she had called me a few times pushing me to see a domestic abuse counselor. Which I think might not be a bad idea.

But what is also happened is that she has gotten mad at me for crying and being down. I think she was understanding the first days or so. But yesterday when she called and I started crying she mocked me a bit, laughing and condescending and saying " oh you're still feeling sad".  And then she got mad saying " you know that he was mean and disrespectful to you. Right?" And this was in an angry, mocking tone. She was demanding I respond: "right". All this is something I'm really familiar with deep down in my gut. I felt little. It added to my sadness and feelings of loss and isolation.

And then she proceeded to tell me about her upcoming 33rd wedding anniversary to my stepfather. And lofty mentions of " how it hasn't always been easy... ". She's very proud of herself. My mother became a family counselor. At least she got a degree in it. However she never practiced. She met my stepfather during her graduate work getting this degree.

And I guess for that conversation with my mother, I'm grateful. It showed me something I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten how my mother truly can't be there for me. I guess I have tended to focus on how sad that was for her to not be able to be there for her own daughter. In other words I was sympathetic towards her. But what I lost was me. And just how sad that makes me feel. And I guess that's something I need to remember. It's not something I need to sweep under the rug, or minimize, or make up for, or walk around. It just is.

So this is probably where I need to start. Those feelings of being disrespected, of anger directed by way when I express feeling, of being made feel small. Those are some of the same difficult feelings I just experienced in my past relationship. There must be a correlation.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you so much for this, peanutbutter. I've been listening to some of Jerry Wise's videos and they're very helpful.

Like you I have struggled to grieve for issues in my upbringing. In adulthood, I have gone from understanding them in a more logical sort of way, and then feeling sorry for them for having to have been such troubled people themselves, to working to rekindle new relationships with them.

But something for me was lost along the way.
nd in all of this they didn't change that much themselves. I guess they changed some, because once one person changes in a relationship everyone does. Or everyone's forced to in a way.

When I moved out of my PD BF 's house last week, I was devastated. I have been isolated. So I ended up calling my mother and telling her what it had happened and about the odd and difficult circumstances of the relationship. She helped me with the technical aspect of it. She helped me to see that what he was doing was unkind and probably abusive. She got me from point a to b. In other words I got out. And I can see it was the best thing.

However during the last week she had called me a few times pushing me to see a domestic abuse counselor. Which I think might not be a bad idea.

But what is also happened is that she has gotten mad at me for crying and being down. I think she was understanding the first days or so. But yesterday when she called and I started crying she mocked me a bit, laughing and condescending and saying " oh you're still feeling sad".  And then she got mad saying " you know that he was mean and disrespectful to you. Right?" And this was in an angry, mocking tone. She was demanding I respond: "right". All this is something I'm really familiar with deep down in my gut. I felt little. It added to my sadness and feelings of loss and isolation.

And then she proceeded to tell me about her upcoming 33rd wedding anniversary to my stepfather. And lofty mentions of " how it hasn't always been easy... ". She's very proud of herself. My mother became a family counselor. At least she got a degree in it. However she never practiced. She met my stepfather during her graduate work getting this degree.

And I guess for that conversation with my mother, I'm grateful. It showed me something I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten how my mother truly can't be there for me. I guess I have tended to focus on how sad that was for her to not be able to be there for her own daughter. In other words I was sympathetic towards her. But what I lost was me. And just how sad that makes me feel. And I guess that's something I need to remember. It's not something I need to sweep under the rug, or minimize, or make up for, or walk around. It just is.

So this is probably where I need to start. Those feelings of being disrespected, of anger directed by way when I express feeling, of being made feel small. Those are some of the same difficult feelings I just experienced in my past relationship. There must be a correlation.

I think that you have incredible insight!  Yes it is time to fucus on you! 

Of course you are still sad. Your M's latest reaction to your pain was cruel! IMO It lacked any empathy. If she has a degree in family counseling then how could she not understand that?

Im sorry to say this but Im glad she didnt ever practice. If how she treats you is any indication, she would have been a failure to help 'families' in need of counseling.

Im so sorry.  You deserve support while you grieve. I hope you keep coming here to the forum! Ill be here working through my stuff. Ive had several 'breakthroughs' by connecting on this forum.