weird stuff/lack of boundaries

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mcmlxxix

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weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« on: May 29, 2020, 03:48:00 PM »
This is for discussing weird stuff and/or boundary violations happening in my home.  So you don't have to refer to another thread, I'll tell you that I'm a married mother crammed in with my mom and her husband.  My mom snooped in my stuff and told my son even though it had nothing to do with him or with any other household members.  My son harasses me about my medical problems.  There's this mentality going around that my medical issues are in my head.  It's true that a psychological trauma may have caused some of it, but that doesn't mean that the physical part doesn't happen.  My boy is being encouraged to harass me and my husband tried to gaslight me and threw bad things that had happened to me in the past back in my face.  Also, the piece of paper my mom looked at was IN A BAG folded up and yet she tried to play it off as her unintentionally seeing it.  I specifically kept it there because of that.  I didn't know she'd still go that far now that I'm older.  (The bag was in my multi-purpose den/bedroom/computer room.)

Keeping ya posted,
me

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2020, 05:01:48 PM »
I cant believe that all four of them are abusing you. You need to get away from them.imo
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Maxtrem

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2020, 06:15:03 PM »
I'm really sorry that people around you is treating you this way. People around you are uneducated and say meaningless things. Psychological problems cause physical problems. For example, my doctor discovered that I probably have a magnesium deficiency that causes me terrible muscular pains. What is the cause of my magnesium deficiency, not my diet, but prolonged stress to psychological abuse and hypervigilance and anxiety. All this has dried up my magnesium reserves. As a result, my tendonitis had no chance of improving with a magnesium deficiency.   

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freedom77

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2020, 10:13:48 PM »
I can totally relate to two things you mentioned.

The first being how they "oops" "accidentally" "find" a very private letter, document, what have you...never mind it is hidden from obvious sight, put in a bag, box, drawer that any person with even the most rudimentary manners knows not to go in....

Mother took advantage of my kindness when I was much younger, and I foolishly allowed her to spend the night in the 2nd bedroom of an apartment I had, because she insisted that if she didn't stay the night she would get in a car accident due to low blood sugar on her way home after getting labs done, or some such cock and bull story. What I later realized is she knew I had to be to work, and therefore there would be an interim of time she could be alone in my apartment.

And she took full advantage, snooping about. And then had the absurd gall to leave me a note about what she found! It was a poem love letter written to me, had NOTHING to do with her, yet she perceived that some of the lines HAD to be about her and how insulted she was. Actually left me a letter admonishing me about it!!

Upon leaving, she also left the door to my place unlocked for the remainder of the day...putting my safety and valuables at risk.

How ruthless the narc is indeed.

The 2nd part I can relate to is how our problems, be it health, finances, what have you....can never ever possibly compare to what they are going through, or have gone through...you have a back ache, you don't know a back ache till you had one of theirs...you're having a hard time...you don't know hard times until you've walked in their shoes...you have health issues, again either it cannot compare to theirs...or it's all in your head...and the gasligting begins.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2020, 10:29:00 PM by freedom77 »

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freedom77

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2020, 10:42:34 PM »
And it doesn't matter how old the "child" is, you can be an older adult, and they will still snoop through your things, unabashed.

Boundaries are nothing to them, they only serve to enrage them, or ironically a source of narc supply when they get a rise out of you from crossing them.

I think PB's right, you're being abused by more than one person in your home. I'm sorry to read that, it must be hell, having to live like that every day. I can empathize with you on that one. Made the mistake, I'm embarrassed to admit, more than once, of sharing living space with mother and others.

Never again though. Never again.

It's got to be hard not having your husband on your side, where he belongs.

Also, anyone with any kind of medical background or knowledge is compelled to agree that we are holistic beings, and what affects our mental and spiritual selves, most certainly affects our physical selves. Stress, being abused, can cause long lasting health problems. I read that fibro and CFS is associated with a history of being abused as a child.

I still have physical and mental health issues, but there's been marked improvement since going NC 4 months ago.

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2020, 08:41:15 PM »
Another entry in my log

She worked out today and when she came home she immediately started harassing me over using my small humidifier, which belonged to me and which I was using in my own room.  I wasn't doing something I'd been asked not to do.  My throat and sinuses have been bothering me today.  I'm not sure exactly what's wrong, but I figured why not take the maximum steps doable for my well-being...right?
Then all I did was drink orange juice in the kitchen and comment on something on TV that had nothing to do with our issues and she started in on me like "I wish with all my heart" and another denial of my medical problems.  At this moment I don't feel safe going up to get ice cream.  I need to repair relationships with my family. 
I need to get out of here once the pandemic precautions relax.  Maybe I'll go into that later.

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2020, 10:43:56 AM »
I am sorry this continues. Have you checked the toolbox? https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do so you can do your part to not escalate if possible. Your health issues are none of her buisness.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2020, 12:38:43 PM »
I told her we'd talk when she wasn't in that kind of mood, or something like that.  There have been times when it's escalated, though.

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2020, 01:45:57 PM »
I told her we'd talk when she wasn't in that kind of mood, or something like that.  There have been times when it's escalated, though.
:applause: great job!

 Yes when and if she calms down you may share with her more ; or not its up to you she has no right to the information and if she keeps gaslighting you that 'you are not ill'  :ninja: you do have every right to ignore her when she brings it up.

 Hang in there! You know the truth. Hold onto that.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2020, 05:32:16 AM »
I can't do this.  My son was harassing me again.  I'll keep this short because it's late and I'm not thinking completely clearly, but I feel trapped.

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2020, 03:33:38 PM »
 My H's updM use to send his children home with smart offs and one liners; verbatim something she had already said to H. It was a sick game she used her grand children as flying monkeys when they didnt even fully understand what was going on.

 My H would do 'large chill' responses. He would not engage about the adult subjects brought up in this way.

 Could you use 'medium chill' responses or even refuse to engage with your son when he brings up the issues that are not his concern?


Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs. Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor... Don't share any personal information...

Examples here https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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newlife33

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2020, 07:08:17 PM »
I'm sorry that is happening to you and can relate, PD's are very disrespectful of boundaries. 

When I tried to set a simple boundary of my father only calling me once a week, he ignored it and kept calling.  When I didn't pick up, he drove an hour and tried to force his way into my apartment!  They truly are sick people.

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2020, 07:41:45 PM »
My son is 16 and kind of doesn't know better.  I've had my authority taken away from me and I'd like to hope that he would know better otherwise.  I need to repair my relationship with the girls and with him.  My husband's in denial that anything's wrong.  My relationship with my youngest is ok, but could be better.  My middle child ignores me or makes noises at me and she has no special needs, nor does she make her noises playfully, but disrespectfully. . . Since my son DOES know what it means when he's told to stop I do get angry with him sometimes.  I already had to hide from my mom's husband in the kitchen.  Now add my son...
Yeah.  A bunch of other things as well.  I might ask for certain types of pointers later on, such as reducing contact or even dealing with courts..

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2020, 04:46:04 PM »
And today she woke me up just to complain about some towel that was somewhere she didn't prefer...I have a LOT of difficulties if I wake up at that part of my sleep cycle, so I had to go back to sleep, which I did quickly, but I don't know how long it took me to get back to that point.  While this is far from tragic it was an extremely inconsiderate gesture.  It could have waited.
I know I procrastinate, but I'll eventually post asking for pointers and/or telling more of my story.
Thanks for caring.

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2020, 10:54:30 PM »
She was so manipulative today, interrogating my husband when his guard was down.  He threw the opportunities I hadn't had back in my face again.  I need him to be proud of me.  I've reached a point in my life where I want to be seen for who I really am.  She was also threatening to make me look crazy and dangerous.

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2020, 11:27:52 PM »
Yesterday she went through my room and did some tasks that I was saving for later, which was one of the few things I had control over.  Also, husband exploded at me when I said we would work things out later this week.

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2020, 11:27:36 PM »
I was going to edit my last post, but I can't figure out how to do that.  Anyway, on Sunday, she sent my youngest over to my sister's without consulting my husband.  Maybe he would have said yes, but still.  Also, today she was commenting on my use of mild OTC pain meds mostly to help my throat problems, even though I try to minimize it and felt good about no longer needing as much.

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2020, 03:58:21 AM »
Hi. I believe you only have a short amount of time after you post to modify the post.

 The book 'Controlling People' comes to mind. You may find it an explanation of familiarity. It opened my eyes. I didnt know there were people like that.

She has no idea who you are. She is forcing you into a role that she made up for you in her mind.

 She sounds very unstable from what you have shared. So you could look at it this way: 'are you going to let an unstable person tell you what to do and how to think'?

You felt good about something it seems like that may be why she had to poopoo on it.

 Maybe put her on an information diet. Tell her as little about yourself as possible. If she asks you "how many otc pain pills did you take" you can say "im not sure" or "i dont know" or "why do you ask" or "none". Or just stare blankly and say nothing then leave the room.

 IMO the best possible gift you could give yourself is to let go of wanting or needing her acceptance. IMO her opinion of you matters only if you want it to.

 If she has made her feelings about you clear your job imo is to sccept that as her 'stuff'. Dont think another minute about it. She is entitled to her opinion. Her opinion is not reality. You dont have to agree with it. You dont have to try to convince her of the truth. You know the truth. That is what you can focus on.

If you want to state the truth do so one time but dont let her pull you into arguments.
 
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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mcmlxxix

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2020, 01:50:21 PM »
Hi. I believe you only have a short amount of time after you post to modify the post.

 The book 'Controlling People' comes to mind. You may find it an explanation of familiarity. It opened my eyes. I didnt know there were people like that.

She has no idea who you are. She is forcing you into a role that she made up for you in her mind.

 She sounds very unstable from what you have shared. So you could look at it this way: 'are you going to let an unstable person tell you what to do and how to think'?

You felt good about something it seems like that may be why she had to poopoo on it.

 Maybe put her on an information diet. Tell her as little about yourself as possible. If she asks you "how many otc pain pills did you take" you can say "im not sure" or "i dont know" or "why do you ask" or "none". Or just stare blankly and say nothing then leave the room.

 IMO the best possible gift you could give yourself is to let go of wanting or needing her acceptance. IMO her opinion of you matters only if you want it to.

 If she has made her feelings about you clear your job imo is to sccept that as her 'stuff'. Dont think another minute about it. She is entitled to her opinion. Her opinion is not reality. You dont have to agree with it. You dont have to try to convince her of the truth. You know the truth. That is what you can focus on.

If you want to state the truth do so one time but dont let her pull you into arguments.
Third paragraph, yes.  I might tell specific examples sometime later.
I've stopped asking her to pick up the pain meds if she's the next to run errands.  My husband told her that he was running the errand, but at least I'll have an improvement.  They're liquid ones, as I'm very gradually reintroducing myself to solid foods, part of the reason why I'm harassed around the home.  I'm not looking for her approval and usually think I wouldn't want it even if I could have it because of the way it would have to be, but as an introvert I have issues with being harassed and especially at random.  I have perspective on her gaslighting now, but when my boy was little it almost ruined my life.  It seems you can only know if you've been there.  It's not like hearing rude comments in the halls at school; people like her are people who figure out how to say things in a way you can't ignore.  It takes a long time to learn how to deal with that and even then you don't necessarily do it perfectly. 
So....It turns out that even she's starting to take issue with the way my middle child acts.  When the issue was my doing her hair both my mom and her husband encouraged the behavior.  Our 12-yr-old girl makes noises at me (and her sister as it turns out).  She's overdramatic.  We'll see what happens there.  I'm only mentioning it because she was groomed to be that way.  I also called my mom out on the hypocrisy of claiming toxicity to the liver, pointing out the pills she pumped me full of and tried to pump me full of. 

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PeanutButter

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Re: weird stuff/lack of boundaries
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2020, 02:44:38 PM »
Quote
I've stopped asking her to pick up the pain meds if she's the next to run errands.  My husband told her that he was running the errand, but at least I'll have an improvement.  They're liquid ones, as I'm very gradually reintroducing myself to solid foods, part of the reason why I'm harassed around the home.  I'm not looking for her approval and usually think I wouldn't want it even if I could have it because of the way it would have to be, but as an introvert I have issues with being harassed and especially at random.  I have perspective on her gaslighting now, but when my boy was little it almost ruined my life.  It seems you can only know if you've been there.  It's not like hearing rude comments in the halls at school; people like her are people who figure out how to say things in a way you can't ignore.  It takes a long time to learn how to deal with that and even then you don't necessarily do it perfectly.
So....It turns out that even she's starting to take issue with the way my middle child acts.  When the issue was my doing her hair both my mom and her husband encouraged the behavior.  Our 12-yr-old girl makes noises at me (and her sister as it turns out).  She's overdramatic.  We'll see what happens there.  I'm only mentioning it because she was groomed to be that way.  I also called my mom out on the hypocrisy of claiming toxicity to the liver, pointing out the pills she pumped me full of and tried to pump me full of.
It isnt you! You are not to blame for her behavior. No matter what you do or don't do it will be something. She is creating the chaos in her mind ime.
I heard once that psychological abusers don't just know what your buttons are and how to push them; THEY INSTALLED YOUR BUTTONS! That is why it absolutely is completely different than someone just mouthing off rudely.
O yes the hypocrisy. The rules my abusers enforce and even make up are for everyone else but NOT them.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2020, 02:48:10 PM by PeanutButter »
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle