weird stuff/lack of boundaries

[mcmlxxix]

I don't mind open windows in the room, but she was in without permission and tried to use the fact that my husband was communicating with his job as an excuse when I had been very much available to ask.  I would have given her permission just for that one thing.  My husband was in there, but after that snooping incident I made it clear that I wanted her to ask permission.  I'd have listed other incidents if I hadn't taken some time off posting here.  Things need to change, but I'm scared of trying to reason with my husband, and there are other things to hurdle..

[mcmlxxix]

I waked in on my mom doing my son's hair.  He's 16 and she used to be a nurse and not a hairdresser.  Then when I tried to tell him to do his hair every day and he tried to use my medical problems to humiliate me into silence.  I'm ticked.  This dysfunction...My husband's in denial about it.  I've been trying to do things the traditional way, so I have next to no money and I'm at that awkward in-between.  I can't even say the least little thing that's common sense parenting. 

[mcmlxxix]

Things have been picking up lately.  She went in my room even though I had put the garbages out so she wouldn't have to do that and threw some things out without permission.  She made some excuse.  She started talking loudly in response to me and her husband tried to equate my being offended about the boundary violation with that.  Then they started butting in about decibel level and portraying me as a certain kind of parent because those are their go-to distractions.  He tried to twist my words around and then claimed not to know the definition of Baby Boomer, which was a distraction type of thing either way.  He hassled me about my mannerisms.  I do gesture widely and I'm not sorry.  I called him out on the bullying of hassling people over it.  Also, I told my husband I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace.

[mcmlxxix]

My 12-year-old was trying to trigger me or something like that. . . The psychological games she was playing would make you think that what I'd put for her age was a typo, but it isn't a typo.  She's in a toxic environment.  At 12 I was barely (sometimes not at all) aware that psychological games like that existed.  Not that I wasn't in a toxic environment at that age, but I wasn't psychologically complex.  If I had my proper authority she wouldn't be like that, although I'm pretty sure she still would have had a bit of a will about her.

[PeanutButter]

 IMO The great thing about healing the self is that we get to take responsibility for our emotions. Instead of needing our children and others to NOT trigger us we deal with our unhealed wounds by working on our inner narrative around those. We sit with the pain identifying and ackowledging the origin of it. We learn the healthiest responses instead of being reactive towards someone who has knowingly or unknowingly pushed our button.

Your daughter at 12 cannot take your authority from you unless you willingly give it up. You are the parent. You are the adult. You are responsible for your relationship with her. IME

Your daughter at 12 does not have the same brain function as you do as an adult.

"Based on the stage of their brain development, adolescents are more likely to:
act on impulse
misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions
get into accidents of all kinds
get involved in fights
engage in dangerous or risky behavior" https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Teen-Brain-Behavior-Problem-Solving-and-Decision-Making-095.aspx

"It's not that teens don't have frontal- lobe capabilities but rather that their signals are not getting to the back of the brain fast enough to regulate their emotions. It's why risk-taking and impulsive behavior are more common among teens and young adults". https://time.com/4929170/inside-teen-teenage-brain/

"The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so
What's a parent to do?
You're the most important role model your kids have. Sure, their friends are important to them, but the way you behave and fulfill your responsibilities will have a profound and long-lasting effect on your children.
•Discussing the consequences of their actions can help teens link impulsive thinking with facts. This helps the brain make these connections and wires the brain to make this link more often.
•Remind your teens that they're resilient and competent. Because they're so focused in the moment, adolescents have trouble seeing they can play a part in changing bad situations. It can help to remind them of times in the past they thought would be devastating, but turned out for the best.
•Become familiar with things that are important to your teens. It doesn't mean you have to like hip-hop music, but showing an interest in the things they're involved in shows them they're important to you.
•Ask teens if they want you to respond when they come to you with problems, or if they just want you to listen.
Parents tend to jump in with advice to try to fix their children's problems or place blame. But this can make teens less likely to be open with their parents in the future. You want to make it emotionally safe and easy for them to come to you, so you can be part of their lives." https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051

IMO is it possible to get your daughter counseling?

Good luck.

[mcmlxxix]

The adults are the ones taking the authority from me.

[mcmlxxix]

Maybe you're confusing "trigger" with "provoke."  Being triggered isn't a choice and most people DO try to do something about it as they don't actually LIKE being triggered.  It's a potential trigger even being blamed for this sort of thing.  It's also a potential trigger to have it insinuated that there's something mature and noble about being the nice one in situations.  I've heard it from people trying to avoid accountability or consequences. 
Anyone who thinks that being traumatized is a choice has never been genuinely traumatized.  It's an involuntary mechanism.  There's nothing wrong with me if something's potentially traumatic.  I AM working on recovery, so let's not perpetuate the idea that if something's triggering it means someone has a bad attitude. 
Another potential one is the insinuation that I didn't do enough. . . It took me a long time to know that something was happening.  Also, it can be dangerous to portray young adolescents as impulsive.  I was falsely portrayed that way and ended up pumped full of dangerous pills, which even in the 21st century is still portrayed as a reflection on you if it happens.
It took me a long time to join another forum and I thought I could avoid the trauma that I'd experienced on those by being nicer.  Now I don't know whether it's working. .

[PeanutButter]

My understanding was pertaining to the kind of triggers like this article describe. https://lakesidelink.com/blog/trauma/parents-with-trauma-histories-can-be-triggered-when-parenting/

[mcmlxxix]

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong communication-wise.  I'm being treated like some sort of hypersensitive person when I'm anything but.  Maybe I could start proofreading a bit better, but other than that I don't know what's going on.

[PeanutButter]

Self compassion is vital to healing.imo Giving yourself permission to make mistakes is a healthy gift to yourself ime.

Even though I do not have a CPTSD diagnosis all of the information about CPTSD and PTSD have been empowering for me because I was emotionally, verbally, physically, and sexually abused as a child. The symptoms of triggers, emotional flashbacks, and anxiety are what I needed to address in order to get healthier. And I found that information with CPTSD.

I was empowered to find out that to address these issues was possible without needing my H or my children to do anything different. They could go on being themselves without worrying about whether they would trigger me. I now had techniques to get through without being 'scary' or 'devastated' to them when I was triggered. The residual effects of my abuse was impacting not just me but my family. I did not want that to continue. They needed a healthier 'whole' me.

Here is some snippets and links to articles that I found that mention the life changing points I speak of.

"..understanding PTSD effects and watching for them in yourself..can be crucial in getting the necessary help, support, and treatment..effects of PTSD can impact how someone interacts with people in their lives..that make life difficult for the person experiencing PTSD as well as family members, friends, and others" ..Family and friends of someone experiencing PTSD sometimes find it difficult to know what to do
https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-and-stress-disorders/ptsd/physical-and-emotional-effects-of-ptsd

"It's important to become aware of your PTSD triggers in order to start preventing future PTSD flashbacks. Once you know what they are, you can learn how to deal with them or avoid them"
https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-and-stress-disorders/ptsd/why-do-flashbacks-happen-causes-of-a-ptsd-flashback

"It's important to first realize that flashbacks are not a re-experiencing of the event , but, rather a very vivid memory – something that happened in the past no matter how real it feels, flashbacks are not trauma happening in the current moment; flashbacks are symptoms of PTSD only.
..connect with your body and the current moment when coping with a flashback..called grounding
Name the experience as a flashback
Use language that categorizes the flashbacks as a memory
Name what you see, feel, hear, smell and taste
Rub your hands together
Touch, feel the chair that is supporting you
Wiggle your toes
Remember your favorite color and find three things in the room that are that color
Name the date, month, year and season
Count backward from 100
Use an object as a grounding tool
Deep breathing
Recognizing what would make you feel safer
Confide in someone
Give yourself time to heal
Peer support"
https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-and-stress-disorders/ptsd/how-to-cope-with-and-stop-ptsd-flashbacks

I started using the technique of focusing on my body during a trauma triggered episode it got me out of the 'stuck in my head' feeling where I could not regulate my emotions and doing simple breathing exercises calms my para sympathetic nervous system which allows my reasoning brain to start getting signals again.
It may all sound like "huh?' but it surprisingly works and if you are desperate enough like I was because I needed trauma therapy but didn't get it so why not what can it hurt?